Tag Archives: introspection

Running on Decaf…

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Hop in the time machine with me! Let’s navigate back again all the way to second grade and lets watch for a moment.  There I sit at the kitchen table, grumpy and groggy, sad, not wanting to go to school.  This is the year I cut my hair at school, lied about it, got into trouble for it.  I refuse to eat breakfast and it is the morning of the CTBS test, this is the standardized testing for the state.  This is the morning I get a small Peter Rabbit mug full of the blood of life, coffee.

Wayne’s World wavy lines, fast forward…. by the end of high school I would drink a cup before school, take one with me, and continue to fill my coffee mug throughout the day from the faculty pot.  I was downing something like 17 cups a day.  Water… what does that mean I existed on coffee and caffeine free diet coke.  I was forced off coffee, or moreover caffeine when I had my nervous breakdown and went into treatment for my depression in the hospital.  Caffeine is a drug and I was abusing it.

I had a coffee pot next to my bed when I lived with my now ex husband, there was pretty much constantly coffee available I drank it he didn’t.  He was into Mountain Dew and Southern Comfort.  When I saw the bad habits and behavioral patterns emerging that reminded me of how I was back in high school I went off coffee again, cold turkey.

So now I am a real adult, not that I wasn’t when I was married, but seriously I was still a child, I was still too young.  I live in the big city, I know I LOVE coffee.  I have used coffee as a crutch since I moved here.  When I would stay up for 2 or 3 days at a time working nights and trying to have some kind of life, swapping shifts to make social events, I would drink coffee like no one should.  I enjoy the flavor, the subtle differences in different blends, I enjoy savoring a cup of coffee.

Coffee cupI was bringing a mug (5cup home-brewed pot) with me every day to work in the morning, when you get up at 3am to work a 10 hour shift, plus prep time for your shift, and then have someone who isn’t quite on time EVER that is your relief it turns into a 10.5 hour day 5 times a week, coffee seems like it should be a part of the day.  I recently decided, about the time I gave up gluten and my stomach was being so horrible, that perhaps that much coffee was not a good idea.  I have been cutting back my coffee consumption significantly.  No more caffeine, and also no coffee until I have had a liter of water in the morning.  It is supposed to be really good for your skin to have water first thing in the morning, Can’t hurt to start the day with water right?

Have I noticed a change in the no caffeine role in my life yet?  Well, truth is I still have had a bit of caffeine here and there.  There is a small pack of 7.5 ounce cans of coke zero in my work fridge for the simple reason that on occasion my headaches are bad enough that I need the caffeine to make the pills work better.  I want to not be dependent on the caffeine, and while I know a decaf Americano still has a small amount of caffeine in it, I am certain that it is significantly less than what the quad shot tall had.  I still plan on drinking coffee, but only in moderation, not every day.  Like I said I enjoy the flavor, and that is what I am going to focus on, enjoying the flavor of the coffee, sipping not gulping, swirling not chugging.

Is it realistic to think I will never have caffeine, absolutely not, I do not live in a world of absolutes.  I want to go long enough without a significant amount of it in my system that I can feel what kind of effect it has on my body.  So here I sit with my decaf Americano with heavy cream. YUM!

Quitting Weight Watchers

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So since July I have been doing Weight Watchers.  I have done as I promised myself, I gave into the plan.  I followed the weird math, I did the plan as it was intended.  I didn’t use my weekly points, I used my weekly points.  I used all, I used some, I worked out a lot, I worked out a little.  I ate my target daily points, I ate less than my target points and here I sit, fluxing the same 15 lbs up and down.

Now there is something to be said about staying close to the same weight for a long period of time after having regained a bunch of weight, however I am not happy with this.  I wrote, I believe last time, maybe the time before, about how I am switching to VERY low carb, and gluten-free eating.  I would love to continue my Weight Watchers membership to get the meetings and the weigh in’s (I prefer to weigh in on someone else’s scale that doesn’t move around as opposed to mine that gets tossed in the closet after I weigh) however almost $50.00 a month is not worth getting on the scale 4 times.  I will miss seeing the excitement and progress others are making on their journeys, and I haven’t told anyone goodbye or why I am leaving.  I know my leader will be sad to see me go, but it isn’t working for me.

That after all is what this whole process is about. Finding what works for you, not what works for everyone else.  I can’t sit here and say, oh such and such worked for Emma and blah blah worked for Joe, because when it comes to these things, I am not them I am myself.  I have never been one to follow the crowd, actually that is something I pride myself on.  I may have my f2fpack, but I never run with the pack.  I follow my own drum and listen to what my body tells me is right.  I did far too much damage to my body when I was young by not eating enough thinking that was the only way.  Now with the wealth of knowledge available to me I know there are hundreds of ways to do things and I need to find what works for me.

I do know that tracking is the answer, however I think that tracking calories isn’t my answer. That led to a very dangerous world for me.  I know that when I track calories I become so hyper-focused on tracking every crumb and every morsel that it becomes a sickness.  I start to lose my grip on reality after a while.  It didn’t happen luckily when I was tracking points as much, but it was still there.  I think somewhere in my mind I just want so badly to succeed that I cannot let anything go.

I know that it takes time to get where I am going, and like everything worth doing it is worth doing well, and the right way.  So I bump along, wondering how anyone ever loses weight working full-time (50 hours a week minimum), squeezing in working out, and trying to maintain a relationship with loved ones, and friends.  It truly is no wonder I feel like I can’t ever catch up sometimes.

I find my center as I close my eyes, my bedtime is my time.  It is the commitment I make to myself.  It is the way I show myself respect, to let myself have rest.  When someone asks me how much sleep I got the night before I like to be able to answer 7 or 8 hours. I could take time from that to keep up with everyone else… but it is not worth the expense. I am doing what I need to do for me… and in the end, no one else can do this for me, or do it like me.

Flash Point

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So the memories of my past continue to trickle into my consciousness as the weight comes off, well okay at this point on and off.  Sunday I was at the YMCA,  I had just completed 28 laps (or more, it is hard to keep track when you are just doing random strokes) in the pool without stopping, I hopped thru the shower into the sauna for a 5, to stretch out the stiffness that was starting in my shoulders, then grabbed a drink at the water fountain. …

And there I was in my head first grade as if I were truly there… over weight, hot and sweaty and I could feel the panic, and the teasing.  I could remember the bullying that went on, even in first grade.  After recess we would all line up at the water fountain in the back of the class, and one person would hold the fountain for a count of 5 *something* (ex Mississippi’s).  I pushed my eyes closed sipped the water from the fountain until my thirst was clenched, pushing the memory away then went to sit on the bench.  I signed deeply and decided I needed to think about the memory that was there.

Since I have so few memories, and I have been told time and again that I have “no good stories” I figure I need to explore these things as they come,  Putting the puzzle together as it were.  I sat for a few minutes, which actually seemed like it was longer.  I thought back to the line for the water fountain.  I thought about how when it was my turn to hold the fountain down for everyone I always picked a long word, like spelling out Mississippi.  I would make sure everyone got a long 5 count of the word and I let everyone have the same amount of time to drink.  I thought about how I tried my best to be fair to everyone, then I thought about my anger towards the girl in first grade who stole my My Little Ponies and claimed they were hers, I had to have my mom come to school and then we had to go to her house to get most of them back.  I never did get them all back.  I though about how when almost everyone else held the water fountain they would favor their friends and give them super long drinks of water then would count to 5 as fast as they could for mine.

I took a deep breath and I tried to let go.  Kids can be cruel, I was from a small town.  I left that place behind as soon as I had the ability.  I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to end up like them.  I have a kind heart, I have a giving nature, something to be nurtured and developed, to be shared.

I talk to my parents for a few minutes each weekend and every few months my mom comes to the realization that I had a horrible childhood.  She has come to see now just how bullied I was.    My parents did the best they could, even when I told them that I was miserable and that things were bad they didn’t hear what I was saying.  They get it now . It means a lot to me that they can understand it now, that there is a face on the world of bullying, and that they can see how much hate there was inside of me for where I was.

I am working towards peace in my heart for the time I spent in that prison of punishment and torture called public school in my youth.  Each time I get one of these flashes I feel like I heal a tiny bit, like I am able to let a little bit go.  I know I will never get an apology from the people that made my life miserable growing up, because they still act the same way. It is the way things are there sadly.  If you are different it is a bad thing, whether it is because you are too fat, or have glasses, or are black, or have less money than someone else, whatever makes you different makes you less of a person.  To me whatever makes you different makes you who you are.  It is important to be yourself and it is important to follow your own path and not compare yourself to others.

I don’t know why I am sharing this with yall, but I guess I figure maybe  you can see how I landed where I am today, and how I have ended up with the tools I have, and the reason I am the way I am.  *shrugs* Have a good Tuesday friends!

Pepperidge farm still remembers that you can numb your feelings with food

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So last night I was headed to bed, and I was watching a bit of TV and a commercial came on and something clicked inside of my head, proof that I am much more aware and awake about the subtext and subtle cues around me of food and it’s influence in our world.  You can view the commercial <a href=”http://ispot.tv/a/7IcC”>here</a&gt;, and I suggest that you do so you know what I am talking about.

For those of you that can’t view this commercial it is a husband and wife having a conversation getting ready to go out for the night.  The husband is prodding his wife along about not being quite ready to go yet.  She is half in frame with a glass talking about how she has to spend the night with the bosses wife.  Haha it is a big joke we are supposed to laugh at booze being used to lubricate her senses for the night.  skip forward just a bit and we come to find out she is medicateing herself not with a cocktail, (because alcohol is not the answer) but the more socially acceptable form of medication, FOOD!  Now I get it, it is just a commercial, but I actually literally cocked my head to the side and grabbed my bedside table and wrote down Pepperidge farm still remembers… that you can numb your feelings with food.

There is a stigma that ataches itself to an addiction to alcohol and drugs, but somehow the idea that food being used as therapy, and comfort, and hidden eating and being an addiction is somehow ignored and disordered eating being trivialized, joked about and ridiculed is really making me mad.  There is a Sonic commercial where the husband is hiding his eating from his wife, (I believe he is out to eat with his best friend and says Don’t tell my wife).  Is the obesity epidemic and poor nutrition habits of this country a joke to everyone?  Are the skyrocketing numbers of body image issues among not just girls but boys as well resulting in eating disorders not a big enough clue to anyone that this should not be a joke?

I think the fact that the moment i saw what was really going on in this commercial and my mind clicked over and felt it in my mind, and my gut I could tell that there was and is something deeper going on in my life.  I talked briefly in my last post about my cupcake issue.  And how I found a solution to that with making my own.  I don’t want to be swayed by fancy packaging or advertising.  Fruits and veggies are bright and vibrant, and will be coming into season, center isles are full of crap.  The tables have turned marketing professionals you need to change your game!

The answer is to turn off the tv right?  Turn off the tv and go to bed, or for a walk, or 100 other things.  I can only fight for what I know is right for me or my own family, but seriously I understand they are looking for some humor, but this hit a sour and bitter note with me.

What do you think?

To thine own self be true

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I was deeply touched over the weekend by a dear friend of mine, who said something very poignant to me. We spoke briefly about a number of topics, catching up in a rapid fire session that ended with a very heartfelt compliment that really touched me. Even though I have struggled with my weight loss and she is very aware of this, and has faced her own struggles, she told me that she admires the way that I honor my body in my choices to give it good food. I in general tend to order wholesome good for you food, and treat my body as a temple, not like a disposable, trashcan or amusement park as I once did.
For example this weekend I ordered Egg whites and a side of bacon, which I did not finish. I opt for a salad or fresh fruit instead of toast or taters, water instead of juice. I honor the hard work that I have done. I certainly would LOVE to indulge in biscuits and gravy, or a waffle with whipped cream, some kind of syrupy sauce, or even a Bloody Mary at this point I will take my treats in the form of planned indulgences.
I have been being taunted for the last, oh I dunno, 2 weeks by a Unicorn Poop cupcake from Nadia’s Bakery in Maple Grove, MN It is a once a year confection made from rainbow cake and it just looks too cute. However it is $5.00 and is a 30 minute drive for me to get! It is available once a year. You would think I would make a concession to allow myself this one confection, but I have become too focused on this cupcake. I have decided that this is not acceptable. No Unicorn Poop. Perhaps next year, but not this year.
Tonight after work I made myself some cupcakes after work, 1 box of yellow cake mix, 1 can of crushed pineapple, 1 egg white. mix together bake as the box suggests. Voilia! Cupcake goodness. Tomorrow I will grab cool-whip and coconut from the store and make them Pina Colada cupcakes but tonight they filled that need. Nothing fancy but I hope that this stops the obsession.
I am happy to honor my body with the right foods, I am happy to inspire others to order the right foods. I am happy to help guide others to better for you choices when we are out to eat, but I never force anyone to order something.
Lead by example. Live your best life. I am just one girl, what kind of difference could I make? Well I won’t know unless I try… and if I can make a difference in my own life, does it even matter?

Success Redefined

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How do you measure something that there is no clear definition of? Something that is not actually quantified by everyone the same way? How can one person simply define a word and it be the pinnacle and definitive answer for everyone. Simple, you can’t, I can’t.
Each and every single one of us must sit back and look at the big picture and look to see what we are trying to find success at. Are you successful can be such a loaded question, and lead down so many roads. It can lead you to a very positive or very negative place based upon where you are mentally and how you interpret the question.
In the health and wellness world how do you view success? When I started losing weight I was over 400 pounds. I know you have read it over and over again but it bears repeating because I will never forget it, I felt as though I was going to die. I was trapped inside a tomb that was my body. I had high blood pressure, dangerously high, I had high cholesterol, horrendous triglycerides and the thought of doing anything except driving around delivering packages in my car, and drinking red bull and Starbucks at all hours of the day and night was my reality.
I am still not at my goal weight, I got to about 250 and my life went through a shift. My personal life underwent an overhaul, my professional life went through a complete shift where I went from working nights and weekends to a 55+ hour a week shift that starts at about 3:45 every weekday morning. I regained in the neighborhood of 50 pounds and if I didn’t know better by most of the definitions that I can think of that would make me a failure.
WRONG! I make my own definitions of success, and I do not view this as a failure, because I am still trying. I am still actively choosing to pick the better choices for food. I choose to go to the gym instead of going to the coffee shop on Saturday mornings. I choose to push myself to be better I choose to get up and go.
I measure success not in the number on the scale, because a number while a unit of measure is not a measure of self worth, and is not a measure of what I have accomplished but in how I feel. I do not measure success in the size of my jeans, or in the number of friends I have or the number of miles I can run, which by the way is ZERO. I measure my success on the number of times I get up when I fall down.
I measure my success on how strong I can be, for myself and for my friends. I measure success in what I can give to others, and the strength I can share. This past weekend I participated in the #happy5k project. (Check them out on Facebook and Twitter!) I love this idea, it is a virtual 5k, and their motto is Have a Purpose, Push Yourself. I love this motto. As most of you know I am currently stuck in the pool for exercise (and if you followed twitter last nights dreadmill went horribly and I am back in the water until further notice) So I water walked my 5k.
I love that there are things like virtual 5k’s that I can participate in that allow me to have the sense of community with other athletes, that can give me the same rush and feeling of success that I had when I did the Prior Fat Pack 5k, or the Fathers Day 5k. I am hopeful that I will be back in action by the time the Color Run comes around in July, but since the treadmill killed me after 1.25 miles yesterday and I can barely walk due to heel issues from it today we shall play by ear.
I had a successful virtual 5k, I am part of something bigger. I love it!
So I will continue on babysteppin-waterwalkin my way thru one setback at a time as long as it takes.
I am a success story, I will forever be my own success story, I just have to decide how I want to end my success story… luckily there is still too much of the story to be written to worry about an ending.
Are you successful? Do you keep pushing yourself despite the odds to get where you want to be? How do you define your personal success?

Struggle

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When there is no struggle there can be no progress. 

*Sigh*

Since last Friday my body has been in a mode I like to call, the hunger train.  I want to eat everything in sight!  I am fighting with all my might to not inhale everything I see.  When I went to brunch with my friends, as I posted here on the blog, I custom ordered to find something that would hit on exactly what I thought I needed and wanted, some fat, some greens, and here I sit almost a week later and the metaphorical train barrels on.

I believe that it is hormone related, I am due for that wonderful flux in the next few days, however the fact that this is now on a week of struggle I am just so very tired of this.  The week prior to this I didn’t eat all my Weight Watchers points, in fact most days I had to force myself to get close to my goals.  This week I am eating into my “weeklies”  I find myself not wanting to track my extra points to that I have enough extras left in-case I get hungry… which is silly because all I would be doing is telling myself lies. Track honestly, or you aren’t doing yourself any favors.  Eat the right foods if you are hungry.

So I am trying to cut out the unnatural carbohydrates from my diet over the next few days.  I am thinking perhaps what I am experiencing is almost a sugar detox.  Last week I ate a LOT of carbs.  Not really good carbs either, and in my world I don’t view carbohydrates as the enemy, however I do have two different divisions of them in my mind.  Natural, and unnatural where the natural ones come from veggies, fruits, dairy etc, natural sugars and starches, and the unnatural ones are the ones that come from pasta and things like that.  I ate vegetarian Pad Thai (homemade) 5 times last week.  All were within my daily points totals, reasonable serving sizes however that much pasta, even though it was rice noodles, sweetened with honey, and veggies.  The amount of carbohydrates consumed may be exactly what has triggered me into this mega food rage.

This week I have been eating chicken salad for lunch, 4 ounces of chicken, with celery puree, and some good fat mixed in to keep it  together.  Breakfast has stayed the same, my breakfast sandwich (Special K Veggie Flatbread or Jimmy Dean Delight spinach sandwich) and yogurt and I think I need more protein.  I am guessing that I am in need of more protein.  Last night I had breakfast for dinner, egg beaters, ham and mushrooms (natural carb).  Today for breakfast I am swapping out my flat-bread for egg beaters with ham and mushrooms and laughing cow, and a Greek yogurt.  Coffee with half & half, and maybe some fruit.

I am dropping the triscuits from my lunch in favor of string cheese, and an extra few snow peas and I am currently unsure as to what dinner will hold as it is my takeout night as I will be hitting the pool right after work.  Maybe an unwich from Jimmy John’s.    I don’t like that I am struggling so much, I don’t like that I am waking up during the night wanting to empty the fridge.  I don’t like that no matter how much water I drink, or how many good choices I am making the hunger keeps coming back.

I am frustrated but I am putting my faith in the program, one choice at a time is all I can make.  I will stumble, I will fall, I will get up, brush myself off, and continue along.

Weighing In

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So I weighed in this morning, down only a fraction of a pound. A loss is a loss I tell myself but I am still disappointed. Time to take a look back at my week and evaluate my eating, and exercise. Did I track faithfully, measure accurately, did I put forth my best efforts?
I did measure everything, I did track everything, I did skip the gym one day due to my slip and fall, my vortex workout changed into a soak… but i doubt that is the cause. I am looking inside to see WHAT is going on. I awoke super hungry this morning… This almost never happens… and for once I didn’t allow myself to eat before I weighed in. I told myself I wasn’t going to start doing that. That Weight Watchers like any lifestyle change is exactly that a lifestyle and things like being hungry and eating before a meeting were going to happen.
I am wondering if my hormones are starting to play games with me. Only a few days will truly give me insight into that. I have been extra crabby at work of late, in part I think it is due to being told certain things are not my responsibility in one breath and in the next I find myself having to take on the responsibility of those tasks along with mine once again.
There is no doubt in my mind that there is a correlation between stress and weight gain, if it isn’t food being shoved in my mouth from the stress it is the life being sucked from my body. When I leave work some days I just can’t imagine how anyone keeps their sanity at any job, then there are days where it isn’t so bad.
I have been documenting all that I do for my job, both my tasks and the tasks I have no choice but to take on because when left undone the responsibility shifts to me, and makes my job impossible to do. I cannot believe just how much I do at my job. It infuriates me when I think that my boss and coworkers have made comments about me being lazy, or always look for ways not to do things.
I have days when I leave work full of energy too, so much energy that by bedtime I can’t shut off, I go to bed tossing and turning and unable to just pass out. It SUCKS! I wish there were a happy medium between. I suppose a new job is truly the answer. Someday maybe, One where I get a lunch break on a 10hour shift, and I am not invisibly bound to my desk without pee breaks when we are busy. One where I am not an outcast but a member of a team that works together for something better… *shruggs* dream big right?

This morning I am going to brunch with my girls, I am looking forward to it… I ate some fruit and coffee this morning since I have been ravenous, hopefully I won’t devour everything in sight! Even if I do, I plan to track it all, and be accountable, next week I want to see the scale move more than a fraction.

As FitBloggin nears I am getting excited to see everyone I am reading about, and I am getting excited as my groove is restored… Feeling more like me everyday as my exercise routine restores itself…. now if I can just keep from falling anymore maybe just maybe I’ll be right by Spring! :)

Healing the Heart

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So today as I drove to the gym, in the early hours of the morning I was thinking.  Thinking about my past, thinking back on old injuries.  Thinking about how I just keep going back for more and how it speaks volumes about my character.  It speaks about the person I have become, the person who I want to be.  I started to wonder as I cruised long down 35W headed toward the pool for my weekly date with the water, feeling a sense of guilt over missing Thursdays workout, what shapes my determination?  Where does my strength come from?  Have I always had this inside of me?

I drifted back over my injuries over the years, back through back problems, back through knee problems that required surgery that didn’t quite work back through broken ankles that have still not healed correctly, back through a foot surgery that would not heal and landed me in a wheelchair during school hours because my foot had to remain propped up during the day.  I kept scrolling back further, past the second break of my hip, through the tests that yielded scary things like hormone deficiencies, and statements like you wont be able to have children past my elected pin removal surgery for the SCFE to the first major surgery I faced the repair of my hip.

I thought about the pain, which looking back on it, I can’t remember honestly.  I know I walked around for weeks, nay months with a limp before I went to the doctor for the issue.  I danced in the school musical, more like hobbled, in it.  I kept falling down.  I kept telling everyone nothing was wrong, I kept telling myself nothing was wrong.  When I was told I was going to go to the hospital the next day to get looked at and asked if there was a chance I was going to have to say and Mom told me no, I believed it.

We went to children’s Hospital in Philadelphia, and there I stayed, on “bed rest” in traction, with tears in my eyes being told I was to have emergency surgery by the doctors as soon as they had an OR open the next day.  I felt betrayed beyond imagine.  This is one of the few things I remember from my childhood.  I remember being lied to.  I have held onto this for many years.  A few months ago my mom and I had a long heart to heart on a Sunday morning over  virtual cup of coffee.  (we have a weekly Sunday phone call, even if it is just to say I am fine) I finally felt a little bit of closure on this hurt.

My mom admitted to me that she did not feel that I at my young age, (of about 11) could handle being told I was going to need surgery.  she didn’t think I was strong enough to handle it.  While I am unsure if I would have been able to handle it at the time, I think I would have liked to have had the chance.  I have spent most of my life trying to face things head on, and I think it is perhaps part of why I am so blunt about so many things.

I don’t know why I was thinking about it so much this morning on my drive, maybe it is because I worry that I am not strong enough to handle the obstacles placed in front of me at times.  Maybe it is because I am a bit homesick.  Maybe it is just because I am trying to be more aware and present in the moments that are occurring in my life, but I realised today that I am strong.  I can face any obstacle that I come up against and I will figure out how to deal with it.

Life is full of struggles, choices, chances for redemption, chances for each of us to prove what we are made of and I certainly hope that as I keep on the path that I am on, to live the life I want, I cn keep proving my strength, to myself and to others.  My mom now sees that the decision to withhold the possibility of surgery from me made things about 100 times worse for me, but we can’t go back.  I realise that she was doing what she thought was best.  We all make the choice in the moment that we think is the best one, and we cannot know the consequences from those choices.

The road not traveled may seem better at times, but it won’t lead you to who you are. <3

Day from Hell in Survival Mode.

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So Last week I had a day from hell… if I had to pick a day where I was on a path for a disaster of derailment, Thursday would have been it.  I was swamped at work all day.  I had a workout scheduled on the books.  I was tired by the end of the day.  Worn out, and just so ready to call it a day.  I got in my car and headed the opposite direction from my house.

There are several ways I can go to get to the gym from my office and I knew if I went past my house, I would be on auto-pilot and just go home.  Looking back at the day, the self care involved in going to the pool was likely the best thing for me after the day I had already had… but I would have liked the events that followed to have not occurred.

I completed my workout, which included a little bit of jogging with the current in the pool.  I am after-all slowly training to walk a 5k, and I would love to not be last! Anyway the workouts are going ok, although I need to think about saving for some kind of waterproof mp3 player.  I got to the parking lot, approached my car and started slipping on the ice.   I fell most of the way to the ground grabbed the handle to my car-door to stop me from completely slamming into the ground full-impact, my phone bounced out of my pocket and fell to the ground and you guessed it. Shattered the screen.  I wasn’t far from Best Buy, who I have my phone protection plan from, so I went there, which meant I wasn’t on schedule for dinner and bed.  After waiting at Best Buy they told me if I needed the data (the 180+ photos off my phone) I would have to go home and back it up.  So i sadly walked to my car, grumpy hormonal and emotional.  I got to my car, being extra careful not to slip again… I look at my tire and see something shiny.

There was a screw in my tire.  FUCK! I pushed on the tire it was still, as far as I could tell, fully inflated.  I drove the opposite direction from home to Costco where I bought the tires.  They told me it would be 1.5 to 2 hours to get my tire fixed.  At this point I was in toddler-meltdown mode.  I said fine, just fix it.  I grabbed a cart and started wandering the store hungry and crying.

Sample ladies… sampling bananas foster trifle.  Oh lord help me.  I walked past, and I walked past again.  She was just across from the cuties.  I grabbed a bag, and a cooked chicken, and a container of blueberries.  I cried as I walked.  I put the chicken back knowing I wouldn’t eat the whole thing before it went bad this late in the week.  I grabbed some cooked shrimp with cocktail sauce you get an insane amount of shrimp for a low number of points on Weight Watchers.  I was trying to keep my head about me.  I sampled a small cube of Tillamook cheddar cheese and my phone rang.  More bad news, the tire center has now broken the stud on my wheel. FUCK ME! They tell me about 10 more mins and my car will be ready to go.  I just start crying again.

I don’t even want to check out at this point.  I just want to leave my cart and go home.  I grab some allergy meds, and a box of the Fiber One chocolate chip cookie brownies that they finally started carrying (they carried the brownies, but not the chocolate chip cookie kind before) and headed for the registers.  Small talk with the cashier ended with him being extremely happy his day was better than mine.  I was to the point where my small talk gene was just shot.

I went and got my car and wanted nothing more than junk food.  I had not really had that much to eat during the day, I could have grabbed a burger or something.  I drove home, passing a crap-ton of fast food places.   Including on the last few blocks, just before my house, a Burger King and a McDonald’s.  I kept telling myself You do not really want those things, you are working toward being healthy, this is stress induced.  You do not need to eat a burger just because it is quick.  You owe it to yourself to take the time to sit and eat your food.

I got home and sat down on my bed and cried.  Took my medicine for the pain that was growing in my neck and back, and I went to the kitchen.  I weighed out my shrimp, 6 ounces worth, I grabbed some fruit, and a skinny cow chocolate bar.  I sat quietly, and just wallowed in all the bad shit that had happened.  I wallowed in the jury duty notice I had gotten the day before.  I cried over all the shitty stuff that happened that day, and then I tried to find the good things that happened.

1.) The day was over, I was about to crawl into my warm bed

2.) I had insurance on my cellphone, even though I had broken it, it would not cost me anything to get it fixed.

3.)The tire that had a screw in it was not flat when I found it, however if I had not found it, it could have/would have been flat at 3:30 am the next morning when I went to go to work and I’d have been late and had to change it in the snow.

4.)I stayed in control of what I ate despite a bad situation where I would have and could have easily just grabbed a pizza or burger before.

5.)I stuck to my plans to workout.

So I slept through the night, mostly.  I woke up Friday, and greeted the new day for what it was a new day.  I tried singing to my coffee syrup.  I went into the day with a positive attitude, it was a rough day too, but it was one day.  I continue to babystep my way along.  Proud that I survived a shitty day.