Tag Archives: HELP

Injuries and Setbacks

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Welcome to 2013.

Here I sit, a year in this chair at work, older and wider. I have become what I feared, my old self.  While I have not made the return to the 400+ pound person that I once was, I have to face the harsh reality that the scale now reads 300 pounds.  OUCH! I share this with you, my pain.  My setback.  Not however my failure.  Failure would be giving up, and giving up is giving in.  I still wish to see change in my life.  I wish to feel the way I did when I was healthier.  However I am struggling.

I feel as though my body is failing now.  Doctors one by one look at me and are puzzled by the next step to take.  Physical therapy fails to do what it is intended to do, medications don’t have their usual, or intended effects on me, and here I sit.  In pain.  The darkness that lives inside of me creeps into the rest of my life, and I pull away.  I pull back from friends, and from family.  I cut off relationships with those who only wish to help me.  I cut ties with those who only ever want me to succeed.  The darkness has become my home.  I go to work in the dark, I get up at 3am head to work in the dark, I work all day at least I have a window, I head home make dinner and sleep.

There is no gym activity for me these days, I wish I had the energy to go, I would say I wish I had the time, but I could make the time.  The fact is when I have the time available to get the the pool at the YWCA, the swim team is there taking up the pool.  I can only blame myself for the lack of activity, but the pain I feel is real.

So what happens when you feel like crap? Well I can tell you when I feel like crap I eat like crap.  While I continue to eat “healthy” “well balanced” “good for you” foods, the quantity of them has increased.  My dinner salad became a double portion, with 2 servings of lean meats on it.  My coffee went from being a tall to a venti.  Food is love, and appreciation as I baked and baked through the holidays making so many cookies that I even dropped cookies off of my neighbors doorsteps whom I had never met before, that just moved into our building.

I see people reaching out to me, to help me come to the light, invites to activities, but it really consumes all my energy to leave the house, and when it isn’t something my heart is into, I just, don’t want to do it.

I am looking forward to fitbloggin 2013, I have registered for a 5k, which I plan to walk in July, and I am hopeful to walk one in April as well.  I am setting small goals for myself.  I want to get back to my old self… However it is so hard when I am battling a body that feels like it is falling apart.  My back issues are failing to improve.  I now have both lower back, and upperback/cervical spine issues.  My meds have been increased.  I ended 2012 unable to look up/down left/right.  I thought to myself how can I look into my future when I can’t very well look to see if a car is coming so I can pull out into traffic.  The PF in my feet is still there, the bone spur in my heel hurts, but I have struggled against worse.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I need to get back in a place in my mind where I remember that I am strong.  I am Powerful.  I need to stop being so harsh on myself, but I need to be strict with myself.  I need someone to help me be accountable for my action, and inaction.  I need a team.

I am once again in the market for a new gym.  I am thinking of a 5day pass to the YMCA here in the Twin Cities, I hear their pools have a bit more availability to meet my needs.  I just… I won’t give up.  I want my clothes to fit right.  I want to be happy.  I will not be a big fat failure.

Sharing Circle

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So in going to my meetings at Weight Watchers I have been forcing myself to talk, or rather, perhaps a better way to phrase it is that I have found myself opening up to the groups I have been with.  Offering suggestions tips and tricks of what has helped me along the way so far.  In my mind I can feel the members that have been there a while rolling their eyes at me, because I am new to their program, but I have been at this a while and have seen measurable success on my own.

I have been going, on average to two meetings a week.  The leader I didn’t care for at first has grown on me, I think it was more the people at that first meeting I didn’t click with, and I think that had more to do with the weather, and the bad parking that weekend in the are around the location, and the fact that I was kind-of ignored and dismissed while I sat there.

I guess one of the things I am really enjoying about the program is actually the meetings.  I like going, and interacting with other people that are trying to do the same thing I am.  It isn’t that I feel alone, or lonely in the battle to get this weight off, I have concluded that there are very few people in the world that have never struggled with weight in one way or another, I just like hearing what others have to say.  I like that it gives me a feeling of community, it sparks my thought process for things like lunches and dinners, even if I don’t take the ideas and use them that week, I know they are planting seeds in the back of my mind for the future.  I also hope that what I have to share, in insight or past stumbling blocks for myself can help someone else there.  For example we were talking about tracking food last week, and how a “3 month tracker” which is a paper tracker shouldn’t last more than 3 months.  I use an electronic tracker now.  When I first started I used paper.  I liked paper, it was safe, I could erase things, I could reward myself on the paper with stickers if I was under my caloric goal for the day.  I had a whole system that I used, and it worked for me.  Eventually I went electronic because it was faster, and easier… and easier meant I could be lazier! Eventually I stopped tracking and I was one of those people who could have made that 3 month tracker last a year! I am bring very diligent and deliberate now with my tracking, and I know if one isn’t working I need to switch to the other.  I offered the hint/tip that I learned from a PriorFatGirl event about recording life events, special occasions, thoughts and feelings in the margins of your tracker.  It helps when you look back to identify patterns and stumbling blocks.  Everyone seemed to really like that idea, so I know that I am offering the group something not just taking.

However I can’t help but feel like I am playing teachers pet when I talk.  I am certainly not trying to be, but I want to be helpful to others where I can be.  So I hush myself, until I know that I have something that is truly helpful and applicable to everyone in the room, or a goodly majority and then I go from there.

Do you go to meetings? Do you talk?  Do you feel like you talk too much? How do you strike a balance with it? I would love to know what you think!

Choices

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Do you ever feel trapped?  Like you will forever be fat? Destined to live the eternal life as the fat friend in the photos, the big one in your family, the one that never truly keeps the weight off? 

Do you ever feel like it doesn’t matter what you do it always remains the same?  Yep, that s where I have been lately.  Playing mini pity-party.  Looking at the picture, and thinking I have no choices it is be fat or be fat.  Truly we always have a choice.  Be fat and happy or be fat and miserable. Be fat and work to change things you don’t like, or be fat and work to make things worse. 

As I sat last night on the recumbent bike riding, being miserable, I thought about change.  I thought about the passion I used to have for working out.  I thought about my love for water aerobics, and my desire to outlast everyone in the gym on the elliptical.  Where had it gone.  My new job had killed the old me, or rather, the new me that came with this job had become complacent when I changed gyms. 

See the SNAP fitness I joined turned out to not be right for me.  It was more of a weight lifting gym, and I STILL don’t know how to use machines, not to mention it was more free weights than machines.  The arc trainer, which I tried so hard to enjoy, turned out to be more of an enduring thing.  The pain it caused in my hip was just not worth the price of admission.  I never built a community there, and I found myself doing things like taking walks around the lake for exercise to avoid going to the gym. Not that that’s a bad alternative but it isn’t truly exercise in the same way.

So as I said a few days ago on twitter, don’t mess with what works.  I have gone back to the YWCA in Minneapolis.  Just off Lake Street.  I have been everyday since I joined.  My schedule, with as many hours as I work, doesn’t allow me to workout like I once did, so burnout shouldn’t creep in as fast, but I know it will… because I have been complacent in my workout. 

Those choices I talked about not having, I had, and I made them… I made the choice to go home right after work, get in my jammies, cook dinner and be a lazy ass.  I admit I made bad choices and they have led me to gain some weight back.  I am not happy about it but I am the first to admit it.  My pants are tight, and it is uncomfortable.  I don’t like it.  Everyday after work I am heading to the gym.  45 mins is my compromise, I don’t have to like it I just have to do it.  I can spend those 45 mins however I like, on a bike, on an elliptical on the treadmill… sitting in the sauna if I really want to waste my own time. but I have to go. 

I thought about making Saturday morning optional, and it might be, after a while, bodies need a rest day, but breaking routine isn’t a good thing, but I get to go in the morning.  I think I might try Zumba Saturdays there is a class that looks like it might work with my schedule, and it might be fun, but I am totally uncoordinated, and if not I still should get in and do something.  This past weekend I got in.  Then Sundays are my Water Aerobics class!!! YAY!!! Back in the water again… where I belong, with my cohorts.  I went this Sunday and it was like being home.  The water caressed my skin and eased my pain. 

I was sorrowful for the time I had been away from it, but not for long, I jumped right back to my old self in class, enjoying banter with the other ladies, and catching up with the teacher.  It was a nice time, it was good to be back, and that Sunday Morning ritual should be an easy one to keep.

So I made the choice, to go back to something that worked, even if it isn’t quite in the same manner that it was.  I had to remind myself that there is always a choice, even if you don’t like the choices that are there.  Once you make that choice, you get new choices, and deciding not to decide is indeed a decision on its own, and not really a good decision. 

So back at it I go… again.

Live Big, Dream Bigger

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So yesterday I met my friend Liz for coffee.  Despite me being sick and battling losing my voice, My outcry for help on twitter earlier this week went answered.  Liz got up before 8am, and out of the house to meet me for coffee and try to help me figure out why I am stuck.

We sat at a local coffee shop for nearly two hours talking about where I am, in lots of aspects of my life.  We talked about everything from the eating and exercise component, which I have mostly nailed at this point, but can always stand to use some tweaking, to my job and relationships and the dreaded future.

Yesterday I set two mini-goals with Liz’s help, stop enabling those around me to eat badly by purchasing cookies and doughnuts etc. (which I do for the office, and others around me).  I also intend to get off my diet soda habit again.  Last year at this time I gave up my diet coke habit and it has been finding its way back into my diet now that I am in the office.  On Friday I found that I consumed 3 or 4 cans of caffeine free diet coke.  This is not acceptable!  How much water did I have in that same amount of time that day? NONE!

Another thing we talked about was my job, and how unfulfilled I am.  It is no secret to anyone that sees me at the end of my day that this job is taking its toll on me.  It doesn’t give back, it doesn’t build me up or give my life meaning, it is a job. The tough part of the equation here is that I feel tuck, I need the money from the job, and I don’t know that I am qualified to do much else.  I lack the self-esteem and the knowledge of what else is out there.

Liz gave me some homework of researching 3 potential jobs of my choosing and how to get there, meaning what schooling is required, how much time would it take etc.  Trouble is I am unsure of what jobs I want, or would be good at.  If I suddenly won the lottery and didn’t have to work, would I walk away from my job?  Honestly, yes, but not until they had someone to replace me that was competent.  What would I do after that?  I don’t know, and that is the honest answer.  I know I would want to be somewhere that I could help people who were in the situation I was in.  Overweight, giving up hope, or struggling wanting to change their lives, wanting to get better these are the people I want to build up.  If I could do anything I would love to just be able to talk to these people, tell them not to give up, be a professional cheerleader to them.  I want to inspire people I want to keep them focused on what they want for themselves.  I want them to want success for them as much as I want it for them because in all honesty, I want success for each of my friends quite possibly more than some of them want it for themselves.  I just don’t know how to go about doing that.

I do know that I am not doing that at my job.  The closest I get to doing something that give back at my job is when we do some sort of transport of medical equipment, or transplant type stuff.  When I was young I had such clear goals I was going to be a pediatric orthopaedic surgeon… and then I started college, and realized that due to the lack of preparation I had from my highschool years and previous that I was basically going to have to start over from scratch in remedial classes, I switched majors, continued to work on my weaknesses and explored other options.  It was a slap in the face. I struggled so much at Penn State, and as my health faded, so did my grades and eventually I just stopped going to classes.

I let my failure be the bar by which I measure my worth.  I don’t have a college degree.  I have taken shit for it from people in my life who call themselves my friends.  I have taken shit for it from my family, why don’t you just go back to school.  Well, I still have to work, I still have weight to lose, there are hundreds of reasons.  I also, don’t know what I want to do.

I don’t know what I would be good at.  English isn’t my strong suit and the idea of having to write a paper terrifies me.  So what is a girl to do? Keep plugging along telling myself I can’t change my situation.  I have a resume together for a temp agency, but I feel like that i going to put me in the same situation I am in now, where it is still just going to be a job.  A job where I am unfulfilled a job where I give, and don’t feel.

Liz told me I need to learn to dream bigger for myself, and figure out what I want from my life.  I don’t know what I want from life… how does anyone go about figuring out what they want.  I mean I am 30, and clearly after this long I should have an idea right?  Knowing I was struggling with this we decided that perhaps the better place to start is knowing what I don’t want.  So that is where I am starting from right now.  What do I know I don’t want… Heck, most nights I can’t decide what I do and don’t want for dinner, how am I supposed to decide what I want for the rest of my life?!

I thought this was a weight loss blog.

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So if you look back through my blog lately there is just a bunch of bullshit. Really honest to god bullshit. Have you noticed? I certainly have and I don’t like it!

I know that this blog is a place for ME to write about all the struggles and changes that have occurred during the changes of my weight loss but oh my goodness, there has been no weight loss, there has been no weight loss in about a year… I am coming clean. I feel like a fraud. I am living healthy, and the only measure I ever had was the progress of the scale. I never had inches measured, I never had anything other than the scale, and the scale is no longer my friend.

Yes I can use other measures of success like how clothes fit, but those changes have slowed to a stop as well. My fear is that my body has reached that dreaded “stasis point” I have done all kinds of things at this weight to try and get it to shed some more pounds. I have tried eating more, eating less, working out more, working out less, and there I sit fluxing in the same window of weight.
I am endlessly frustrated, to the point of tears. I want to give up so much of the time. I just want to curl up and eat until I can’t move. I want to eat until I am uncomfortable. I want to be reminded of how horrible that time in my life was. That is not the answer. I am not going to do that. However I don’t know what the answer is.
I am not loving my new gym, while the owner is OMG smokin hot, it just isn’t working for me going after work. After I put in 10+ hours in the stress filled, emotional environment that I am in, I find that I just need to decompress, and when I go to the gym I am not getting a release, I am getting more stress. Stress that my hard work is all for nothing. I know losing weight is easy, okay well not easy, but calories in vs calories out, so perhaps scientific is a better way to phrase it. Why can’t I seem to re-crack my own code?
Making the choice to eat healthy is easy for me, I went to the Seward Co-Op lat night and made a HUGE salad, and didn’t bat an eye picking red peppers and cucumbers and onions and skipping all the old pitfalls like croutons and ranch dressing. I don’t miss those things. When I got home I measured out my 2 Tablespoons of dressing for 80 calories, shook my salad and ate it with a piece of chicken. It was great! However temptation lurks around every corner.
My freezer is currently loaded with things like Haagen Dazs Caramel Biscuit Ice Cream and southern style biscuits, and frozen cheese tortellini. The Baking rack in my place, along with pots and pans is home to Oreo cookies (Happy 100th birthday Oreo, thanks for making me hear about you nonstop for an entire day!), and pretzels, and Cheetos, and all kinds of other things. It is like temptation island. One cookie wont kill me, but one before work, then one after work adds up.
I am meeting with a friend today in hopes of getting inspired again, I know I am not going to throw in the towel, but it just seems like such a good idea some days. In light of how sick I have been in the last week or so it just seems like an easy answer. No worrying about how many calories are in the cough drops I am downing to try and get my voice to last through jut one more phone call at work. I know that this is going to be a lifelong struggle, but I guess I had hopes that I wouldn’t have this much of a problem until I was a little closer to my goal.
I need to succeed, this journey wasn’t about weight loss in the beginning it was about living a healthier life, well, I think it is time to change my mindset and really focus on that.
Lean cuisines, salads, and fruit-cups may just have to be a way of life for me again for a while. Also eating the same food everyday for each meal as much as I detest that may also become a staple. It will not be fun but it may have to happen.
I am unsure what it is going to take to get me back out of the slow lane and on the fast track, but I sure as shit cant sit here letting my friends pass me by and life start to do the same. So please, reach out to me, sent me a tweet a text a Facebook message, leave me a comment, bug the crap out of me. As I adjust to the time-change I will also be adjusting to trying to workout before work. May as well make that adjustment at the same time right?
Nothing changes if nothing changes… and something has to change.
This is a weight loss blog… not a weight watcher blog. I am tired of watching my weight do what it wants to, time to grab the power seat again!

If Nothing Changes

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Last weekend I had a long chat with a dear friend, after many hours of laughter and conversation we both came back around to the point that we have all heard time and again.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

Now let it sink in for a moment. Still thinking? What are you thinking about?

 When I think about the statement I think about how complacent I became being comfortable at 250 pounds.  I let myself be comfortable there because, well, I had lost a ton.  Lots of things had changed.  Let’s face it, I was no longer feeling like I was at death’s door.  I was still working out, still eating right, mostly.  Mostly.

There is that word… mostly.  See back when I was 400+ pounds I ate mostly right… just in the wrong amounts.  There was someone on weight watchers that told me the point of their points plan was to get people to eat more fruits and veggies.  There was discussion that no one would ever sit down and eat 3 or 4 apples but you would sit down and eat a bag of chips.  Well I was the person that would eat 3 apples.  They are divine to me, I crave fruits and veggies, and while it isn’t easy to gain weight eating just fruits and veggies it is possible if you eat enough of them.  The sugars add up.

My new job has me all sots of out of whack with my eating.  There are days where I don’t get to eat because we are so busy and I can’t climb out from under the mound of work on my desk, where I am thankful for the ungodly slowness of the 4am hour when it is slow-ish and I can drink my cup of coffee that I brought with me.  There is also the other side of this where it is so slow that I am snacking on all the items in my lunch bag, that are in there because I never know what I will want.

The gym piece of my life is falling back into place.  I left the YWCA in favor of Snap Fitness.  The atmosphere is very different.  I like being able to go at anytime of the day or night, and I am thinking I may need to switch things up a bit again.  I have been going to the gym after work, I enjoy the scenery (read: hottie owner) while I workout, however after a 10 hour day on the desk, plus a half-hour of “other” work in the office, I am just fried.  The last thing I find myself wanting to do is going to the gym.  I am still going… most days.  I need to trade most for all, I need to invoke a negative consequence for myself, but more so than that I need to find that desire again.

So I am hopeful to try cranking my clock around a little bit more again and maybe get my ass into the gym before work… yes… I will go to work a sweaty mess… the nice part is I have that alone time in the morning where I can theoretically clean up in the washroom and make myself presentable again.

Change is needed… change is necessary.  Change is also scary.  What if I really can’t go any further with my weight loss?  I mean, seriously It has been almost a year now of me being in this same place… I am getting a LOT frustrated.

I wanted something in my life to change, I needed something in my life to change,  perhaps I need to just think about taking lean cuisine to work, nothing other than a frozen box of food to the office, then there is no choice.  As the weather gets nicer (read lighter outside) I plan on riding my bike to work, which will add to my activity level, but again… nothing is gong to change unless I make the change happen.

So my plan for now is to try to get on the bike at the gym and rebuild my endurance, or rather tolerance for that god awful seat.  (who designed those things?!) So that I can ride to work everyday, and get going in the right direction.

Something’s gotta give, and if it is my freedom of choice of foods in the office so be it. If it is freedom of choice in the time I go to the gym, because there is no snooze button on the alarm, once it goes off I have to get up and I wont just be sitting around for an hour before work, then so be it.

It is time to Rise Up again.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.

One Breath, For My Roots

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The second person to speak at #OBOS was Philly D, who I had never met before, mostly because my schedule has never allowed me Friday nights to go hang out with all the cool kids at hot yoga.  Happily that is changing and I will soon head off to my first Hot Yoga class in the near future!  Anyway, Phil had me in tears for most of his discussion.  He shared some very personal stories about his sister and some volunteer work that he does at a Children’s hospital with cancer patients.  A boy who communicates only by RAWR-ing because he thinks he is actually a dinosaur… because they are strong… I can relate. #rawr.

Do you know what the difference between being and doing is?  So many of us say I want to be BE healthy.  The dictionary defines being as something that exists.  That is something that I did for SO MANY YEARS in my life… I existed.  If you look back on this blog you see me talk about feeling like I was watching life pass me by because it was.  However doing is defined as action, performance, and execution.  I don’t know about you all but I sure want to be doing not being.

Remember the human doing project at Mall of America last year… they had him DOING… so think about that… to be healthy you have to DO.  There is a local health insurance company here that has a DO campaign and they truly have hit the nail on the head.  To be healthy you have to DO.

I am sure you are sitting there going so what Kris… we all know we have to workout, so Phil said go do Yoga right?  He owns a studio this is what he wants you to do right?  No.  It is hard to explain exactly what he was talking about in general or specific terms if you have never had that moment that wakes you up from that dark place, so forgive the bulleted nature of this.  I am going to try to not weep as I think about how much impact his words had on my heart.

Phil’s wish for each of us is that we can learn to be more awake in our lives, that we can me more aware of what is in front and around us.  In order to Rise Up and meet life, you must first wake up to your surroundings.  You must tune into yourself, make deliberate choices about your breathing, and movements, feel your body, feel your breath.

As you move through this life and become more aware of things you will know when something feels wrong, and when something feels wrong you will learn that you need to step up and stand up for others.  As you rise up you will see things that are unfair and unjust and you cannot ignore them.  They will not change unless someone speaks up.

As you rise up you must reach out and down to others, this is part of why Jen (@PriorFatGirl) shares her story, and a very big part of why I am so open and honest on my blog about my struggles.  When you reach out to others you let them know that there is hope, help and strength.

Be what you love in life, and use what you love to make a difference because it isn’t actually the length of your life that makes the biggest impact it is the width.  The more people you reach, and they in turn reach creates waves and ripples that will effect more people than you ever intended.

He also spoke about how important it is to be aware of your word choices, which was also something Mary spoke about.  The words you choose to define yourself, your life your goals and the things in your mind can really set yourself up for success or for failure.  Do you remember my Can’ts Won’ts and Don’ts post? Go back and read it… I felt like they both took a page right from my blog and were telling me to go back and read my words… Kris make sure you are picking your words correctly.

After hearing both Mary and Phil speak about how can’t and and won’t and don’t are so often confused I really felt like I had a grasp on something strong.  I know when I first had that moment of clarity about those three words back in August it really was something amazing.  It really becomes a more about DOING what you have to do and less about what you want.  I can’t cook healthy meals for my family is actually I don’t because my family won’t eat them.  Well guess what you CAN because you make those decisions.  I can’t workout because I don’t have time is really I don’t workout because I would rather watch tv, and I won’t give up that addiction to finding out what happens on that next episode of Lost (okay, I am out of touch but so what!) You get it right?

Who has control of your life?  Do you have control?  Who did you give the control to?  Are you ready to take it back?  Only you can!

I Challenge You!

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So as those holiday months of nonstop eating have started, the end of year battle of the bulge that leads to all of those famous New Years resolutions.  Those resolutions that so many people make year after year to go to the gym more, to lose weight (but never making a measurable goal) are always going to be made.  How are you doing on last years resolutions, or commitments to yourself?

It is too early for me to be jumping on the New Year New You bandwagon, we aren’t even to Thanksgiving.  What I wanted to remind you of today is that so often during the holidays we pile our plates full of food with no regard to how things look.  Pile on a few slices of turkey, and a small scoop of this and a tablespoon of that.  Three bites of stuffing and just a taste of grandma’s corn and soon your plate becomes a sloppy mess.  Perhaps it is a bit of the fact that I am one of those people who dislikes my food to touch unless I decide that it should and I am mixing it in a certain proportion.

SaladNomsSo perhaps now is the best time to start a new habit.  Eat with your eyes first.  We have all heard, without a doubt, hundreds of times that you eat with your eyes first.  I know it takes time to make your plate look pretty.  It takes time to make your plate look good, set your table, and set the ambiance of your dining area.  Did you know that I think you are worth the time it takes to do those things?  So my challenge to you is the same one that I am undertaking for myself.  Make your food look good!

Take photos of your awesome plates of food, and perhaps share your recipes along the way!  How long are you willing to try to go?  One day? Twenty-four hours? 7, 14, 30-days? Part of what taking the time to make your food look better will do for you is allow you to connect with your food.  It allows all of your senses to become immersed in the experience of enjoying the meal.  It will help you feel more full and it will extend the length of time you deem as your meal time.

So no more sloppy plates! Think Top Chef, Iron Chef, and any of those cooking shows we all watch.  You are getting hunger satisfaction points for presentation! What do you say?  Give it a shot!

My food pictured above was a salad of mixed greens, tomatoes, peppers, banana peppers, onions, cucumbers, egg, blue cheese crumbles, Cholula hot sauce, and Gardein brand vegetarian chicken wings

The Words Get In The Way

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“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” – Mark Twain

So how many of us have stuck our foot in our mouths on more than one occasion in our lives?  Said something to someone only to realize that it didn’t come out the way you intended, or it was misunderstood.  The english language is difficult, I can only imagine the same things happens all over the world in every language.  to err is human and we all make mistakes.

Lately I have found that I am struggling more than I have before to simply string words together in a way to ensure I am not going to offend someone on their own blogs.  I have friendships offline with several of the commenters on my blog.  We have done coffee or dinner, or even just shared our personal stories in a room full of people.

I read others thoughts and stories on their blogs, and it is indeed like peeking into their diary!  Opening up your life to strangers and friends alike letting them share in your successes and failures, your struggles and worries is so difficult at times.  So where my issue lies is knowing when to hold them up and when to push them forward.

With my friends, those who I see regularly, or converse with at least fairly often I can get a good sence of their limits and just how far I can push without being *that* person.  In my mind I picture a child on a swing set, and I am the person behind them willing to help get them started, and willing to give them that push to help keep them going when it gets tough and you are tired.  I want to help them keep going! How do I learn to do this with those that I do not yet know so well?  How do I learn to balance the support with the push.

Time and again I have heard things from people who when they have “given up” or nearly given up that I come along at just the right time with the right thing to say.  That little push, nudge or reminder is just the right thing.  I enjoy that, that I can do… where I struggle is when I see someone who is perpetually rehashing the same issues over and over again and not forming a plan to overcome them.  I know I can’t fix the worlds problems, but I want to try, I want to show people the door! I neer know whether I should keep telling them, oh keep trying you’ll get it, it will be okay, or put on my suck it up princess hat and kick them in the ass!

It is a tough road to walk.  Words can be like tiny knives cutting someone down, or cutting away the ropes that bind them to their old habits and setting them free.  So as I sit with windows open in my browser unsure of what to say, I am reminded by friends that perhaps when you can’t find the words, letting someone know that you are there is just enough.

So my dear friends… I am still out there… reading and searching for the right words to build you up, and make you strong.

That Thing No One Talks About

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So many of you have probably heard the best part about losing weight is getting a whole new wardrobe right? As a big girl lets face it, our selection of clothes was pretty slim.  It was the only thing slim, am I right?  The bigger you get, the fewer choices you have.  When I was topping out at 430-ish I was a 32/34W.  I don’t wish to offend anyone, but I was HUGE!

My jeans would cost more than $65.00 USD a pair.  Any normal person would need more than one pair right? So when one of those wore out, which they were prone to do fairly regularly it was expensive!  Getting tops that would fit was also a challenge.  This is why much of my wardrobe consisted of men’s pocket t-shirts.  They could be purchased fairly cheaply, were comfortable and practical.

As the weight has come off I have shrunk in sizes obviously.  However depending on how fast the weight is coming off keeping myself in clothes that make me look non-slovenly has proven to be a challenge.  There have been times when my pants have been two sizes too big!  I have shopped secondhand stores, but even those the larger sizes are often the fastest to fly off of the racks.

I am not ashamed to wear clothes someone else wore.  I know there are a lot of people who are turned off by the idea of hand me downs, or thrifting but honestly if you think about the cost to buy a new wardrobe every time you change size it get expensive.  I make purchases of key pieces that I need from places like Target and Old Navy but thankfully my friends have been so wonderful to pass on their old clothes to me.  I have gotten over my feeling guilty for saying yes when people offer me things.  My pants no longer cost $65.00 Unless I am trying to buy something fancy, they are more like $30.00 It is much more manageable, but is still an investment when you consider I am not planning on staying in this size forever.

So have you encountered this in losing weight?  Do people ask you how excited you are to get all new clothes?  I get asked all the time how much I like going shopping for all new clothes, and I just say the new clothes are awesome because they really are.  I love shopping in my friends closets, I just hope they don’t grow to resent me for taking their old stuff and not being able to pass them anything in return.  Do you have any tips for saving money while changing sizes?  Do you have a favorite thrift store find that you would like to tell me about?  I would love to hear about it!  :)