Tag Archives: Gym

Success Redefined

Posted on by
Reply

How do you measure something that there is no clear definition of? Something that is not actually quantified by everyone the same way? How can one person simply define a word and it be the pinnacle and definitive answer for everyone. Simple, you can’t, I can’t.
Each and every single one of us must sit back and look at the big picture and look to see what we are trying to find success at. Are you successful can be such a loaded question, and lead down so many roads. It can lead you to a very positive or very negative place based upon where you are mentally and how you interpret the question.
In the health and wellness world how do you view success? When I started losing weight I was over 400 pounds. I know you have read it over and over again but it bears repeating because I will never forget it, I felt as though I was going to die. I was trapped inside a tomb that was my body. I had high blood pressure, dangerously high, I had high cholesterol, horrendous triglycerides and the thought of doing anything except driving around delivering packages in my car, and drinking red bull and Starbucks at all hours of the day and night was my reality.
I am still not at my goal weight, I got to about 250 and my life went through a shift. My personal life underwent an overhaul, my professional life went through a complete shift where I went from working nights and weekends to a 55+ hour a week shift that starts at about 3:45 every weekday morning. I regained in the neighborhood of 50 pounds and if I didn’t know better by most of the definitions that I can think of that would make me a failure.
WRONG! I make my own definitions of success, and I do not view this as a failure, because I am still trying. I am still actively choosing to pick the better choices for food. I choose to go to the gym instead of going to the coffee shop on Saturday mornings. I choose to push myself to be better I choose to get up and go.
I measure success not in the number on the scale, because a number while a unit of measure is not a measure of self worth, and is not a measure of what I have accomplished but in how I feel. I do not measure success in the size of my jeans, or in the number of friends I have or the number of miles I can run, which by the way is ZERO. I measure my success on the number of times I get up when I fall down.
I measure my success on how strong I can be, for myself and for my friends. I measure success in what I can give to others, and the strength I can share. This past weekend I participated in the #happy5k project. (Check them out on Facebook and Twitter!) I love this idea, it is a virtual 5k, and their motto is Have a Purpose, Push Yourself. I love this motto. As most of you know I am currently stuck in the pool for exercise (and if you followed twitter last nights dreadmill went horribly and I am back in the water until further notice) So I water walked my 5k.
I love that there are things like virtual 5k’s that I can participate in that allow me to have the sense of community with other athletes, that can give me the same rush and feeling of success that I had when I did the Prior Fat Pack 5k, or the Fathers Day 5k. I am hopeful that I will be back in action by the time the Color Run comes around in July, but since the treadmill killed me after 1.25 miles yesterday and I can barely walk due to heel issues from it today we shall play by ear.
I had a successful virtual 5k, I am part of something bigger. I love it!
So I will continue on babysteppin-waterwalkin my way thru one setback at a time as long as it takes.
I am a success story, I will forever be my own success story, I just have to decide how I want to end my success story… luckily there is still too much of the story to be written to worry about an ending.
Are you successful? Do you keep pushing yourself despite the odds to get where you want to be? How do you define your personal success?

Hoop De Do!!!

Posted on by
1

So yesterday I was feeling mighty crummy.  Between my fibro, and my ehlers-danlos I don’t want to move.  Work stress isn’t making my life any easier, I can only imagine that some of the pain in my shoulders and back is due to the “weight” upon my shoulders which included coming into work to fix a crisis over the weekend.  I received much thanks from my customer for my efforts, however not even a thanks from my boss.  :/ Makes me feel like crap, makes me wish I didn’t care so much, but that is who I am.  The shipment I worked on after my bedtime on Saturday night was something near and dear to my heart, and I would not change what I did.  I just wish I could feel better.

My weight continues to fluctuate right around 300 pounds.  I am not happy with it.  The option of surgery lingers in my mind, lingers as a last resort, teases me with its simplicity, I would finally know for sure hunger.  I do what I need to do, and the progress is slow, I would SEE progress with surgery.  However I truck along on the bumpy path where I fight to find satisfaction.  I know I can do anything, you can do anything.  There are answers out there for all of us.

Yesterday was set to be one of my gym days, with my chronic pain I fight to keep a set schedule, I made myself go to the gym with the intention to just soak for a short while.  I wanted/needed the heat to try to get the muscles in my body to relax.  I put my headphones on and sunk into the hottub for just a little while.  The heat is dangerous for my E-D.  It makes my joints more lax and prone to injury.  So I took my whole time slow.  While getting dressed I saw a woman with the shiniest pretty hula-hoop! If you know me, you know I love glitter and sparkles.  I joke that I am a five-year old kid, but in every joke there is a grain of truth. I am a grown up kid.  Do you remember my post about why we have to workout instead of play?

I commented on how much I liked the look of the hoop to my fellow locker room woman, and she told me she makes them.  It was like fate had taken hold and pushed me into the gym yesterday because even though I didn’t work out, I met someone amazing!

I would like to introduce you all to someone amazing!  Her name is Theresa she blogs over at <a href=”http://hoopwoman.wordpress.com/”&gt; Hoop Woman She is a motivational speaker!  She is a Hooper!  I have been intrigued by hooping for a long time but I think I am just too big to hoop.  In my mind I have the Your Momma jokes in my mind about a hulahoop being a belt.  I think about my size 32/34 pants and how big I was and how far I have come and think… someday I want to try it.

We chatted a bit about all kinds of things and Oh My Goodness, Theresa is Amazing and we seem to have very similar outlooks on so many things!  Turns out she is a Ted Talks speaker!  She showed me some of her hoop skills, and I was amazed.  If you have some time please check out her talk! http://youtu.be/OgZVRV7jqWc

I left the gym feeling like I had been put there by the universe for a reason.  A reminder that I just need to keep going, that just like I tell everyone else not to give up, I must not give up.  I keep pressing forward to be amazing, to do amazing things.  I am on the right path, it just takes time for things to get into the right places.

I am a puzzle cube, you have to keep turning the puzzle around, sliding pieces back and forth, rotating the puzzle, trying things, and eventually the answer becomes clear, but you cant just give up or nothing will ever become of it.

I get it universe.  Thanks for the reminder… and thanks for the new friend!

 

Working Out.

Posted on by
2

As we are all aware working out is a key piece of any healthy lifestyle, and for those that have followed my writing here for a while, or that know me, you know that this is something I have struggled with. In part it has been the desire and drive to work out that I have issues with and it is also in part the actual activity. The chronic pain, the injuries, the setbacks, but I keep coming back.
Last night I was curled up in bed, rubbing ketoprofin into my knees in hopes of finding some small bit of relief and to find a cause. My fingers reached behind my knee and rubbed the worked went to stars and started to go black I screamed in pain. Yep, I’m there again. Living on the edge. I was trying to pinpoint the problem. Robb pointed out I took a fall, and my knee is STILL covered in bruises from it. I don’t want to blame the fall, but perhaps that is it. Perhaps I did something, or maybe it’s simply that I just don’t heal as fast, and my tissue is more susceptible to damage. I thought back over the last year or so and I have taken FOUR significant falls. Falls that have resulted in significant bruises to my shins and knees. Still I press on.
I tell one of the most significant ladies in my life that self care if so important, that you have to remember to give your body what it needs, or it will take what it wants when you aren’t planning on it. So I keep pushing along, trying to listen to my body. So how does this relate to working out? Well, Way back when I started this lifestyle shift, getting healthy, eating better, making the right choices more than the wrong ones, I started at the YWCA, it was a good place for me, close to home, and it worked, my body responded. I switched when I changed jobs, and that change didn’t agree with my body. The change in machines and the lack of the pool killed my body. What did I do, well I reverted to old behaviors, that hadn’t been working that led to the change. Now I am in a better place.
I cannot sing the praises of the YMCA I am at now enough. While I don’t love that it takes so long for me to get there, especially with gas prices the way they are, I am making that investment in myself. While I don’t love that there are kids in the vortex when I am trying to get my workout on during the week… it is made all the better by Sunday Mornings when it is ADULTS ONLY, if I had a different job where I worked normal hours I would totally be taking advantage of the adults only evening hours to get my workout on as well. What a simple but smart idea that I wish the YWCA would have had. I can’t even begin to explain the endless frustration I experienced “fighting” with the aquatics staff to get the bullying that was going on to stop. Teenage boys would actually try and bully me when I would workout in the pool. I was intentionally kicked and splashed in the deep end of the pool. I was jumped in on top of, it was a very negative experience at times.
So right now I am trying my best to listen to my body when it comes to working out. I want so very desperately to be like everyone else and just be able to pick up and go for a run, or answer the pleas of friends to be their gym company, but sadly it isn’t in the stars for this girl right now. It likely wont be in the stars for me anytime. Running seems to disagree with my body. It doesn’t make me a failure, it just means I have to find a different activity.
I will keep pushing forward with what I can do.
Babysteps are still steps. I just have to keep moving, even when it hurts.

Just Keep Swimming, Walking, Jumping, Playing!,

Posted on by
Reply

I invite you to climb into the way back machine with me for a moment. Crank it all the way back to your childhood. Remember those awesome school lunches, whether it was mom or dad packing you your very favorite lunch, be it peanut butter and jelly or a ham sandwich. What was the very best memory of school? Was it math class, or science? I was partial to dissections myself so science for sure, but many people think back to recess! I never really enjoyed it, the fat kid that sat alone and had no friends, was not picked last because that would require participation and there was no participation… But that’s not what this is about.
At some point in our lifetime we go from having playtime and recess to having to go workout. Why do you suppose that is? This morning I went to the gym and had a great time. I did my normal 45 mins of water walking/jogging that I had been doing, and was fully prepared to do more as my body allowed but instead found myself with a few friends playing an impromptu game of water volleyball. Now that being said I have exactly ZERO hand eye coordination. I was super hesitant to even join in at all, but with a little bit of coaxing I had what was quite possibly the most fun at a workout ever!
Laughing at the ball flying backwards, getting splashed in the face, chasing people around the vortex pool. We had become a group of grown up kids and it was pretty awesome!
I would have never even thought to play ball ever, let along engage in this activity in a public setting where anyone could see me. I am so grateful to have such awesome people in my life that help me to step out of my comfort zone and push me to do things that I think I can’t do.
Laughter heard the soul, smiles light up the room, and friends lift you to unimaginable heights. I am thankful to have had adult recess today at the pool, today I did not workout, today I played, and I cannot wait to go play again soon! Remember it isn’t about how much you can do, it is about doing something, anything, to get moving.
So what do you do to play? I don’t think that going to the gym and getting on the dreadmill sounds like fun, are any of you on a sports team? Bowling soccer kickball? Do any adults still play?

Gaining… a foothold.

Posted on by
Reply

So here I sit, it is almost 5am.  My neck and back are sore, my body aches, but we are coming to an understanding.  Since Saturday I have been to the gym (well including Saturday) 4 times.  I have had FOUR 45 minute water walking sessions in the vortex pool.  This isn’t just regular water walking, this is against the current.  One of them I have had company for, one I had the pool all to myself for.  I find myself mostly just counting my steps to about 110 then realizing I am just counting and then trying to focus on something else, and then find I am counting again.  It isn’t bad, it is just a thing.  Yesterday I focused hard on the things that are super difficult for me since the vortex was mostly empty for the 45 minutes I had available.  Walking backwards, with my pelvis/spine properly aligned, not hyper extending my knees, and with good posture.  I would do a few laps of that, then do some sideways focusing on trying to get my feet to orient the “normal” way.  My hips aren’t normal, and that contributes to some of my back issues.  It is all connected, and I can clearly see that with my body.  When the problems start below the percolate up, just as water drips through coffee grounds to make things change.

I already feel like I am regaining a bit of strength as I return to the water.  Perhaps it is all in my head, perhaps my body knows that I am not ready to give up this fight.  I have always done my best work in the water.  After all I could swim before I could walk (#Waterbabies4life!) The water was always good for my fibro, and its the safest place for my ehlers-danlos.  I am not going to rush myself onto land anytime soon.  While I feel pressures to try and workout with my friends, and make my workouts and schedules match theirs, I know that this isn’t about anyone but me.  I have to do what works for me, for my schedule, I live a crazy life, it is hard.  The more I flex my schedule the harder it is on my body and I can’t do that.  I can’t keep up. This is my reality.

I am grateful this week that I finally got to have dinner with a friend whom I had not sat down to talk with since last January.  He and I went out to dinner at Matt’s Bar.  (Home of the not diet friendly JucyLucy!) A Burger stuffed with cheese! I counted my points all day long, and I did just fine.  The burger was awesome, the company made it even better.  I laughed, I nearly cried, nothing shot out of noses, not even boogers THANK GOD! We are going to try and work on a more frequent than once a year catch-up session.  (I can only hope for this, as hard as it is to see some of my friends, this guy is the hardest one to nail down it seems!)

So I feel like this week so far has been a success, I am getting the swing of things and moving forward with my progress back into the swing of exercise.  I do have a 5k walk on the books for July.  I signed up for the Minneapolis Color Run, I plan to walk it, as we discovered running is quite possibly the worst thing for me.  (Maybe speed walking?)  I wanted a goal on the books, other than the obesity 5k in April with Gary from Charities Challenge. So yep, that’s where things stand!

Happy Thursday! :)

 

Twofer Weekend

Posted on by
2

SO this weekend I emerged from hiding.  I ventured back into the light of blog-land this week, and with that I have also ventured back into the world of working out, even if I am fighting injury.

I have left my YWCA behind, well kind-of.  My contract with them runs until April, however their facility is sadly not meeting my needs.  If you remember back to last year I left them and went to SNAP fitness.  I was in search of something that worked better with my schedule, something that worked better for me.  It did not end well, there was a variety of contributing factors were there, sub-par equipment and no pool ended up leaving me hurting, and in the end I was not working out.  I ended that relationship, after a bit of hassle but not too much, and went back to the YW.

Now the swim team and crappy hours of availability keep me from the water, where I need to be to heal, where I need to be to regain my strength, and stability.  It saddens me to leave behind the place where I bonded with so many wonderful people, where I found myself, and my strength.  However, like many things in my life, on this journey… I have outgrown it.

Many of my friends have heard my plight, they have heard my venting of frustration, and seen my tears of pain.  After breakfast with Liz a few weeks ago (2 weekends at most, I knew there was really only one answer for me.

I am now a dual membership holder until my YWCA membership contract expires in April.  With the reduced joiner fee it ends up being cheaper to pay the next few months plus it is a monthly contract.  There are so freakin’ many YMCA locations across the metro it’s amazing!   So Saturday morning after my WW meeting I became a member at the YMCA.  I went right from sign-up into the vortex pool! While the vortex doesn’t operate at all times it is available a lot more than the pool I currently have access to.  In fact, the pools there in general are a lot more accessible, despite it being further away.

I weighted my options on this decision, cost vs. benefit analysis, if you may and waiting until April just did not seem like a logical choice.  due to my health degrading at the rate it seems to I weighted money as a lower factor in the equation, and even if I hadn’t this move had to be made.  With my PT not working, my strength and balance degrading, and my weight spiraling out of control this is my only option.  FAILURE AND POSTPONEMENT ARE NOT OPTIONS!

So here I am back in the saddle… err.. poodle…. errrr…. Back to basics.   Trying my hardest to live the life I aspire to.

 

 

Injuries and Setbacks

Posted on by
2

Welcome to 2013.

Here I sit, a year in this chair at work, older and wider. I have become what I feared, my old self.  While I have not made the return to the 400+ pound person that I once was, I have to face the harsh reality that the scale now reads 300 pounds.  OUCH! I share this with you, my pain.  My setback.  Not however my failure.  Failure would be giving up, and giving up is giving in.  I still wish to see change in my life.  I wish to feel the way I did when I was healthier.  However I am struggling.

I feel as though my body is failing now.  Doctors one by one look at me and are puzzled by the next step to take.  Physical therapy fails to do what it is intended to do, medications don’t have their usual, or intended effects on me, and here I sit.  In pain.  The darkness that lives inside of me creeps into the rest of my life, and I pull away.  I pull back from friends, and from family.  I cut off relationships with those who only wish to help me.  I cut ties with those who only ever want me to succeed.  The darkness has become my home.  I go to work in the dark, I get up at 3am head to work in the dark, I work all day at least I have a window, I head home make dinner and sleep.

There is no gym activity for me these days, I wish I had the energy to go, I would say I wish I had the time, but I could make the time.  The fact is when I have the time available to get the the pool at the YWCA, the swim team is there taking up the pool.  I can only blame myself for the lack of activity, but the pain I feel is real.

So what happens when you feel like crap? Well I can tell you when I feel like crap I eat like crap.  While I continue to eat “healthy” “well balanced” “good for you” foods, the quantity of them has increased.  My dinner salad became a double portion, with 2 servings of lean meats on it.  My coffee went from being a tall to a venti.  Food is love, and appreciation as I baked and baked through the holidays making so many cookies that I even dropped cookies off of my neighbors doorsteps whom I had never met before, that just moved into our building.

I see people reaching out to me, to help me come to the light, invites to activities, but it really consumes all my energy to leave the house, and when it isn’t something my heart is into, I just, don’t want to do it.

I am looking forward to fitbloggin 2013, I have registered for a 5k, which I plan to walk in July, and I am hopeful to walk one in April as well.  I am setting small goals for myself.  I want to get back to my old self… However it is so hard when I am battling a body that feels like it is falling apart.  My back issues are failing to improve.  I now have both lower back, and upperback/cervical spine issues.  My meds have been increased.  I ended 2012 unable to look up/down left/right.  I thought to myself how can I look into my future when I can’t very well look to see if a car is coming so I can pull out into traffic.  The PF in my feet is still there, the bone spur in my heel hurts, but I have struggled against worse.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I need to get back in a place in my mind where I remember that I am strong.  I am Powerful.  I need to stop being so harsh on myself, but I need to be strict with myself.  I need someone to help me be accountable for my action, and inaction.  I need a team.

I am once again in the market for a new gym.  I am thinking of a 5day pass to the YMCA here in the Twin Cities, I hear their pools have a bit more availability to meet my needs.  I just… I won’t give up.  I want my clothes to fit right.  I want to be happy.  I will not be a big fat failure.

*peeks head out*

Posted on by
6

Is It Safe? Just kidding! I am still here, still following Weight Watchers.  Still going to meetings working the program.  3 weeks ago I hit the 5% mark, which means I have lost 5% of my starting weight, or something like that.  I dunno I got a big sticker, and they asked me for tips and tricks.  My reply was to just keep going.  Always weigh in, whether you ate breakfast before the meeting or not, whether you went out the night before and had sushi with soy-sauce, and not the low sodium kind.  It is not a race, it is not a sprint, it is a process, an ever evolving process.

My leader, Judy, weighed me in the week I hit my 5% and we chatted a bit before the meeting, she told me that she enjoys the things that I add to the meeting, because I am often very insightful about the topics.  I am only insightful because I have spent my whole life in this never ending battle.  I have read diet and healthy eating/living books since I was a preteen.  One of hte last ones I read is covered in post it notes and actually has a notebook full of scribbles and page number references with it because it made so many good points.

I see a lot of people in my social circle online, (I wish i could see yall more) trying the #Whole30 lifestyle plan.  It sounds really interesting, and I might look into how i can use that in my life, I mean, right now on WW with my schedule the way it is I find I am backsliding into processed food, which is something I have/had worked so hard to eliminate but because it is so much easier to just grab something packaged and know itsWXYZ is a certain # of points I worry about the actual nutrition of it.

I am also off the exercise bandwagon right now.  For those that know me I have been battling a wicked case of PF, I have been icing it down, doing the at home physical therapy, rolling on a golfball, and there has been some improvement, but a week ago something bad happened.  I wrenched my back something fierce.  I could barely move, let alone twist turn or walk without discomfort.  I used every trick in my arsenal, including my fibro pain meds and nothing was touching the pain.  Monday I made an emergency appointment with the doctors office, and they think it is a soft tissue injury.  They did a few tests and dont think there is anything pinched or herniated, and I don’t remember doing anything to injure my back so *finger crossed* we are working on treatment for that.

They gave me a shot, that was supposed to work in about an hour, it didn’t work in an hour… the only thing that happened in an hour was an allergic reaction to the bandaid they put on my backside! (in big red font on my chart is allergic to adhesive, only use paper tape, and use as sparingly as possible UGH!!!) about 24 hours after the shot the pain difference is mostly night and day.  I can move again, without the tears of pain pushing on my eyes.  I am unsure if that is the shot, or the muscle relaxants they game me.  Either way the cocktail I have been downing is at least starting to work.

Friday I will have my first PT session for my back, I am not looking forward to that, I HATE physical therapy.  i need to make sure whomever I end up with understands what ehlers-danlos is, and how extra careful we need to be.  The last round of PT i had was for my knee and they didn’t understand that with my knees the hyper extension is from the disorder and is not something i can actively help and is something they need to be wary of.  *sigh* The thought of PT on my back makes me extremely nervous, and makes my anxiety level go through the roof. However I will get through this, it just means my Fridays will now be Work, PT then home to ice eat and sleep.  Sounds fun…. NOT

Have you been through PT for a back injury? Was it bad?

Choices

Posted on by
9

Do you ever feel trapped?  Like you will forever be fat? Destined to live the eternal life as the fat friend in the photos, the big one in your family, the one that never truly keeps the weight off? 

Do you ever feel like it doesn’t matter what you do it always remains the same?  Yep, that s where I have been lately.  Playing mini pity-party.  Looking at the picture, and thinking I have no choices it is be fat or be fat.  Truly we always have a choice.  Be fat and happy or be fat and miserable. Be fat and work to change things you don’t like, or be fat and work to make things worse. 

As I sat last night on the recumbent bike riding, being miserable, I thought about change.  I thought about the passion I used to have for working out.  I thought about my love for water aerobics, and my desire to outlast everyone in the gym on the elliptical.  Where had it gone.  My new job had killed the old me, or rather, the new me that came with this job had become complacent when I changed gyms. 

See the SNAP fitness I joined turned out to not be right for me.  It was more of a weight lifting gym, and I STILL don’t know how to use machines, not to mention it was more free weights than machines.  The arc trainer, which I tried so hard to enjoy, turned out to be more of an enduring thing.  The pain it caused in my hip was just not worth the price of admission.  I never built a community there, and I found myself doing things like taking walks around the lake for exercise to avoid going to the gym. Not that that’s a bad alternative but it isn’t truly exercise in the same way.

So as I said a few days ago on twitter, don’t mess with what works.  I have gone back to the YWCA in Minneapolis.  Just off Lake Street.  I have been everyday since I joined.  My schedule, with as many hours as I work, doesn’t allow me to workout like I once did, so burnout shouldn’t creep in as fast, but I know it will… because I have been complacent in my workout. 

Those choices I talked about not having, I had, and I made them… I made the choice to go home right after work, get in my jammies, cook dinner and be a lazy ass.  I admit I made bad choices and they have led me to gain some weight back.  I am not happy about it but I am the first to admit it.  My pants are tight, and it is uncomfortable.  I don’t like it.  Everyday after work I am heading to the gym.  45 mins is my compromise, I don’t have to like it I just have to do it.  I can spend those 45 mins however I like, on a bike, on an elliptical on the treadmill… sitting in the sauna if I really want to waste my own time. but I have to go. 

I thought about making Saturday morning optional, and it might be, after a while, bodies need a rest day, but breaking routine isn’t a good thing, but I get to go in the morning.  I think I might try Zumba Saturdays there is a class that looks like it might work with my schedule, and it might be fun, but I am totally uncoordinated, and if not I still should get in and do something.  This past weekend I got in.  Then Sundays are my Water Aerobics class!!! YAY!!! Back in the water again… where I belong, with my cohorts.  I went this Sunday and it was like being home.  The water caressed my skin and eased my pain. 

I was sorrowful for the time I had been away from it, but not for long, I jumped right back to my old self in class, enjoying banter with the other ladies, and catching up with the teacher.  It was a nice time, it was good to be back, and that Sunday Morning ritual should be an easy one to keep.

So I made the choice, to go back to something that worked, even if it isn’t quite in the same manner that it was.  I had to remind myself that there is always a choice, even if you don’t like the choices that are there.  Once you make that choice, you get new choices, and deciding not to decide is indeed a decision on its own, and not really a good decision. 

So back at it I go… again.

I thought this was a weight loss blog.

Posted on by
5

So if you look back through my blog lately there is just a bunch of bullshit. Really honest to god bullshit. Have you noticed? I certainly have and I don’t like it!

I know that this blog is a place for ME to write about all the struggles and changes that have occurred during the changes of my weight loss but oh my goodness, there has been no weight loss, there has been no weight loss in about a year… I am coming clean. I feel like a fraud. I am living healthy, and the only measure I ever had was the progress of the scale. I never had inches measured, I never had anything other than the scale, and the scale is no longer my friend.

Yes I can use other measures of success like how clothes fit, but those changes have slowed to a stop as well. My fear is that my body has reached that dreaded “stasis point” I have done all kinds of things at this weight to try and get it to shed some more pounds. I have tried eating more, eating less, working out more, working out less, and there I sit fluxing in the same window of weight.
I am endlessly frustrated, to the point of tears. I want to give up so much of the time. I just want to curl up and eat until I can’t move. I want to eat until I am uncomfortable. I want to be reminded of how horrible that time in my life was. That is not the answer. I am not going to do that. However I don’t know what the answer is.
I am not loving my new gym, while the owner is OMG smokin hot, it just isn’t working for me going after work. After I put in 10+ hours in the stress filled, emotional environment that I am in, I find that I just need to decompress, and when I go to the gym I am not getting a release, I am getting more stress. Stress that my hard work is all for nothing. I know losing weight is easy, okay well not easy, but calories in vs calories out, so perhaps scientific is a better way to phrase it. Why can’t I seem to re-crack my own code?
Making the choice to eat healthy is easy for me, I went to the Seward Co-Op lat night and made a HUGE salad, and didn’t bat an eye picking red peppers and cucumbers and onions and skipping all the old pitfalls like croutons and ranch dressing. I don’t miss those things. When I got home I measured out my 2 Tablespoons of dressing for 80 calories, shook my salad and ate it with a piece of chicken. It was great! However temptation lurks around every corner.
My freezer is currently loaded with things like Haagen Dazs Caramel Biscuit Ice Cream and southern style biscuits, and frozen cheese tortellini. The Baking rack in my place, along with pots and pans is home to Oreo cookies (Happy 100th birthday Oreo, thanks for making me hear about you nonstop for an entire day!), and pretzels, and Cheetos, and all kinds of other things. It is like temptation island. One cookie wont kill me, but one before work, then one after work adds up.
I am meeting with a friend today in hopes of getting inspired again, I know I am not going to throw in the towel, but it just seems like such a good idea some days. In light of how sick I have been in the last week or so it just seems like an easy answer. No worrying about how many calories are in the cough drops I am downing to try and get my voice to last through jut one more phone call at work. I know that this is going to be a lifelong struggle, but I guess I had hopes that I wouldn’t have this much of a problem until I was a little closer to my goal.
I need to succeed, this journey wasn’t about weight loss in the beginning it was about living a healthier life, well, I think it is time to change my mindset and really focus on that.
Lean cuisines, salads, and fruit-cups may just have to be a way of life for me again for a while. Also eating the same food everyday for each meal as much as I detest that may also become a staple. It will not be fun but it may have to happen.
I am unsure what it is going to take to get me back out of the slow lane and on the fast track, but I sure as shit cant sit here letting my friends pass me by and life start to do the same. So please, reach out to me, sent me a tweet a text a Facebook message, leave me a comment, bug the crap out of me. As I adjust to the time-change I will also be adjusting to trying to workout before work. May as well make that adjustment at the same time right?
Nothing changes if nothing changes… and something has to change.
This is a weight loss blog… not a weight watcher blog. I am tired of watching my weight do what it wants to, time to grab the power seat again!