Tag Archives: friends

Still Sick?!

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The last few days I have felt as though I have been hit by a train!  I am still down with the sickness I spoke of so many times on my blog.  Remember that sinus infection I was battling back at Thanksgiving, the one they gave me meds for?  Yeah, it still lingers on.  I saw an ENT Specialist this past week, and it turns out it’s more serious that they thought.  So now I am on some wicked-awful super-strong antibiotics (levaquin) to try and knock it out.  Flying with a sinus infection, not something I haven’t done before… but not something on the top of my super fun to do list.

So this week I have my yearly physical to deal with, where we will hopefully address the weigh gain, and have a “discussion” about that “wonderful” sports medicine doctor I saw.  I still have no PT orders for that plantar fasciitis, which means the pain continues to get worse, and is truly holding me back from doing the things that I want, or NEED to do.

Over the weekend a few of my friends did the Minneapolis Marathon as a relay team.  I admire them so much for this!  Manda took on the first 8 miles on her own! How awesome is that! I cannot imagine being able to run for 8 miles! Hell, at this point I’d settle for walking 8 miles.  I cheered the team along the way.  There was a lot of walking, a lot of hard pavement and I am sore as hell.  I have iced my foot down, rolled it, stretched it and it hurts! The rest of me hurts too, and I can’t pinpoint if it is the antibiotics, the fibro, if I just overdid it or what but I really hate this.

I do know I dislike how  much weight I have regained.  Something has got to change.  The photos of the best moments I am sharing with my friends I want to hide away in a drawer.  Yes I look happy, because my spirit and soul is happy but I am sad when I look at them because I have let myself go… in as much as I am no longer in the gym for hours a day anymore.  There just isn’t the time to do that these days.  Not to mention I am freakin hungry all the time.

I have a consult with the weight clinic again that apt is next week, I will post all about that when it happens.  Big things are shaking out on this end.  However my eyes right now are on the prize of Fitbloggin.  My Vacation to Portland.  I need to get out of my headspace for a while and just relax.  I am excited to meet the people whose stories I have read, who share some of the same challenges I face.

I waffle about my decision to actually go to the conference, but I know I am going to have fun.  I just need to get there and start doing stuff.

So look for me!!! I’ll be the one that looks like this!!

amazing

A Moment for Healing

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Friday nights, quite possibly the single best night of the week for me now.  The end to a 50-plus hour work week, the prospect of 2 glorious days without an alarm clock to go to work. As bad as a Friday at work can be, it can be over when I shut the door to the office look up and the sky take a deep breath and walk to my car.

This past Friday was a shining example to me of a life I never thought I would have.  After work I headed off to the store to scoop up things for a dinner party, but not a party at my house… not yet. We were celebrating change in the life of a woman dear to me.  A very close friend had just finished a grueling course schedule, along with a super demanding job, and is getting ready to move! Talk about a reason to party.  I loaded the car with all kinds of stuff, chicken, cake, tons of veggies, booze, flowers, and hit the road windows down!

I sang and danced in my car in traffic, yes I am THAT person.  I sang loudly, I laughed at the people getting angry as people did the zipper merge, I felt the sun on my skin through the open windows.  Life was good.  I pulled up to Manda’s place with the radio cranked up singing.  We laughed at the amount of stuff piled in my car… Kelly was there, she helped by steadying the shopping cart as we loaded it full of stuff… As I parked my car I smiled, this is my life.  Friends.  As we unloaded the stuff and I situated things around the place, I got a call wanting to know if I was still going to need help… friends… people who help when you are in need… My heart was heavy, one of my very best friends was too ill too attend.  I respect her need to be home, I was happy to have shared a chat on the phone with her earlier in the night.  I busied myself in the kitchen, everyone was hungry.  We were going to eat in stages on this night.  Diving into food it was so funny to watch everyone laugh and chat and come together as a group.

We are all so different, from all over the country really, some native to MN, some have been here since they were kids, brought here from the west coast others landed here from the east coast.  All different strengths and weaknesses, so different yet so much the same.  We all walk the same path, we all struggle, and lift one another up in our time of need.  This is family, friendship, love, and strength.  This is what community is about.  When they say it takes a village to raise a child… this is what they are speaking of.

I watched Sean dance with a young girl, Manda give horsey rides, and I watched newer friends meet older friends.  I did what fills me with so much fulfillment, and cooked with love for my family.  Served up with love!  I think it made Manda a bit uncomfortable that I was serving people but it is what I do!  Advice, discussions, silliness, and sincerity continued late into the night.  I hated to leave at the end of the night.

I was the last one to leave.  I lingered in the parking lot talking to Manda long after everyone left.  I didn’t want the night to end. There was a time when my weekend nights involved sitting home playing xbox live… those people were my friends.  They knew I laughed loudly, and flirted outrageously, and had a big personality… and a heart to match. They didn’t have to see me, I never had to see them… I was protected, I was safe.

I don’t have to live that way anymore, I shouldn’t have had to feel like that was the only way to live before.  I am so blessed to have so many freakin amazing people in my life right now, and I know I would never have found them without going through all of the crap that I did.  I am so thankful for each and every friend I have, I wish there was some way for me to show, or tell those in my life ow much they mean to me, but there isn’t. There are no words to tell those that you love, you changed my life, gave me hope and make me a better person to the degree that my friends have made me.

My friends are my family, and I would lay down my life for them.  I never thought I would find so many people that I could love like this, but I wouldn’t trade them in for all the money in the world.  This is who I am… I do not recognize myself, my heart is healing from the hurt and I am finding that I am okay with that.

Quitting Weight Watchers

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So since July I have been doing Weight Watchers.  I have done as I promised myself, I gave into the plan.  I followed the weird math, I did the plan as it was intended.  I didn’t use my weekly points, I used my weekly points.  I used all, I used some, I worked out a lot, I worked out a little.  I ate my target daily points, I ate less than my target points and here I sit, fluxing the same 15 lbs up and down.

Now there is something to be said about staying close to the same weight for a long period of time after having regained a bunch of weight, however I am not happy with this.  I wrote, I believe last time, maybe the time before, about how I am switching to VERY low carb, and gluten-free eating.  I would love to continue my Weight Watchers membership to get the meetings and the weigh in’s (I prefer to weigh in on someone else’s scale that doesn’t move around as opposed to mine that gets tossed in the closet after I weigh) however almost $50.00 a month is not worth getting on the scale 4 times.  I will miss seeing the excitement and progress others are making on their journeys, and I haven’t told anyone goodbye or why I am leaving.  I know my leader will be sad to see me go, but it isn’t working for me.

That after all is what this whole process is about. Finding what works for you, not what works for everyone else.  I can’t sit here and say, oh such and such worked for Emma and blah blah worked for Joe, because when it comes to these things, I am not them I am myself.  I have never been one to follow the crowd, actually that is something I pride myself on.  I may have my f2fpack, but I never run with the pack.  I follow my own drum and listen to what my body tells me is right.  I did far too much damage to my body when I was young by not eating enough thinking that was the only way.  Now with the wealth of knowledge available to me I know there are hundreds of ways to do things and I need to find what works for me.

I do know that tracking is the answer, however I think that tracking calories isn’t my answer. That led to a very dangerous world for me.  I know that when I track calories I become so hyper-focused on tracking every crumb and every morsel that it becomes a sickness.  I start to lose my grip on reality after a while.  It didn’t happen luckily when I was tracking points as much, but it was still there.  I think somewhere in my mind I just want so badly to succeed that I cannot let anything go.

I know that it takes time to get where I am going, and like everything worth doing it is worth doing well, and the right way.  So I bump along, wondering how anyone ever loses weight working full-time (50 hours a week minimum), squeezing in working out, and trying to maintain a relationship with loved ones, and friends.  It truly is no wonder I feel like I can’t ever catch up sometimes.

I find my center as I close my eyes, my bedtime is my time.  It is the commitment I make to myself.  It is the way I show myself respect, to let myself have rest.  When someone asks me how much sleep I got the night before I like to be able to answer 7 or 8 hours. I could take time from that to keep up with everyone else… but it is not worth the expense. I am doing what I need to do for me… and in the end, no one else can do this for me, or do it like me.

Just Keep Swimming, Walking, Jumping, Playing!,

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I invite you to climb into the way back machine with me for a moment. Crank it all the way back to your childhood. Remember those awesome school lunches, whether it was mom or dad packing you your very favorite lunch, be it peanut butter and jelly or a ham sandwich. What was the very best memory of school? Was it math class, or science? I was partial to dissections myself so science for sure, but many people think back to recess! I never really enjoyed it, the fat kid that sat alone and had no friends, was not picked last because that would require participation and there was no participation… But that’s not what this is about.
At some point in our lifetime we go from having playtime and recess to having to go workout. Why do you suppose that is? This morning I went to the gym and had a great time. I did my normal 45 mins of water walking/jogging that I had been doing, and was fully prepared to do more as my body allowed but instead found myself with a few friends playing an impromptu game of water volleyball. Now that being said I have exactly ZERO hand eye coordination. I was super hesitant to even join in at all, but with a little bit of coaxing I had what was quite possibly the most fun at a workout ever!
Laughing at the ball flying backwards, getting splashed in the face, chasing people around the vortex pool. We had become a group of grown up kids and it was pretty awesome!
I would have never even thought to play ball ever, let along engage in this activity in a public setting where anyone could see me. I am so grateful to have such awesome people in my life that help me to step out of my comfort zone and push me to do things that I think I can’t do.
Laughter heard the soul, smiles light up the room, and friends lift you to unimaginable heights. I am thankful to have had adult recess today at the pool, today I did not workout, today I played, and I cannot wait to go play again soon! Remember it isn’t about how much you can do, it is about doing something, anything, to get moving.
So what do you do to play? I don’t think that going to the gym and getting on the dreadmill sounds like fun, are any of you on a sports team? Bowling soccer kickball? Do any adults still play?

Thanksgiving

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I used to call today Turkey day, and I still do on ocassion. But it truly is so much more than that. I just wanted to take a moment and remind everyone that today isn’t about the food. It is in the end just one meal.
Today is about reflection. Reflection about the past, reflection on what we have be it family and friends, or experiences, some are thankful for things, even challenges in our lives. Just make sure you are taking the time to reflect on all the things you have to be thankful for.
As I put my she’s on this morning I thought for a moment how
thankful I was that its easier to put my shoes on now than at 400+ pounds.  I was thankful that my back was strong enough that I can get up today, and that I can challenge myself to keep pushing for answers.
From the bottom of my heart I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, and I wish for you to be present in your holiday. Put your phones, video games, and ipads away and be there.  Experience the days, because you need to be thankful for what you have at this moment because you may not get another.

Random-Stuff

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So several days ago… maybe more than a week at this point… Mer, over at Making over Merbear tagged me in a post… I saw she did, but with my nutso work schedule I didn’t really have a chance to sit down and respond to it. So lets take a moment and not be *that* person and I’ll share a bit about me!
Post 11 Random Facts about yourself, then answer 11 Questions….

Random Things about me!

  1. I broke my hip twice as an adolescent
  2. I am a supertaster
  3. I could swim before I could walk. (I was part of that controversial water babies program back in the 1980′s)
  4. I still look online trying to find my best friend who moved away when we were in second grade.
  5. I wanted to be a pediatric orthopaedic surgeon when I was growing up, I read medical books for fun.  I still try to keep an eye on new medical developments and read medical texts for fun.
  6. I have a scar on my left leg from where my brother put an axe in my leg when we were kids.  He was trying to build a playground in the garage with an axe on the cement floor… It ended in tears… mine not his.
  7. I have ehlers-danlos, a “rare” genetic connective tissue disorder.  It is a medical zebra condition.
  8. I had never had a Hostess or Little Debbie product until I was in my late twenties… and when I finally had one, I didn’t like it.
  9. I carry a mens wallet
  10. I collect sheep (if only I could keep real sheep in the city!)

Mer’s Questions for me:

1. What is your main reason for living a healthy lifestyle?

I thought I was going to die, I have too much life left to live.  I was in so much pain physically that I didn’t know what I had left to lose.  I wanted to be able to spend the time I had left enjoying life, not suffering through it.

2. What would you say is your “go to” quick emergency snack?

I don’t do much as far as snacking, but if I am in need of a snack usually there is some kind of veggie in my fridge, either carrots or cucumbers and hummus.  There is also generally a bag of frozen peas in the freezer.  Thaw those out and I love to snack on them!

3. What is your favorite exercise and why?

Probably swimming is my favorite exercise.  Sadly my new gym lacks a pool, but those are the breaks.  I really enjoy the ease of the elliptical and my ability to just zone out.  My new gym also lacks those, but has arc trainers as a substitute.  They are very similar and just take a bit of getting used to.

4. Why do you blog?

I blog to let others see that there is hope.  There is always someone out there that is going through the same thing.  There is someone who started where you are, or is going where you are, or who can provide feedback support guidance, which is all awesome.   At the end of the day it is all about me.  I blog for me.  I want a record of my struggles, I want proof that it wasn’t easy, I want proof that it didn’t happen overnight, that there were more successes than failures, and that it was worth the work.

5. Dogs? Cats? Both? Neither?

I love both, I had both growing up.  Now I have neither and desire either!

6. Have you “given up” any foods for healthiness reasons? Will you ever have it again? Why?

I have not given up anything 100% for the sake of my diet.  There are things that I don’t eat, but that’s in general stuff I didn’t ever really eat like McDonald’s.  I still go there for two things.  Coffee and a cone.  I find that deprivation diets set you up for failure.  This is about a lifestyle change and what I wanted from this was to find a way to live my life the way I wanted and I will not get through life pretending things I wanted don’t exist.

7. Are you doing or have you or are you considering a paid-for weight loss program? Which one? Why do you do it or how did it help you? If not, what are you doing on your own?

I would love to try something like slimgenics or medifast, but the cost is super prohibitive for me.  I am sure if I did the math with what I pay for my food etc would make it all work out, but I just can’t justify spending money on something that I can do on my own.  I cook my own food workout on my own and pretty much play by my own rules.  It worked for the first bunch of weight… although it looks like it may be time to find something new.

8. Tell me about a dream vacation, one you’ve been on or one you’d like to go on.

I have been to Alaska twice.  Once was just a cruise, and once I went for a cruise and land combo trip.  Both were amazing for their own reasons, and I would love to go back again.  The first trip I met a boy, we had a shipboard romance, crazy teenage love.  It was awesome, taught me a lot about being who I am, and being comfortable about being myself!  The second trip taught me a lot about being alone, I was with my mom and it was just as my divorce was final.  The scenery wa amazing and it is just a whole different world up there.

9. What do you use to blog mainly? Mac? PC? iPad? Phone? and where do you find yourself when you are blogging…desk, couch, coffee shop, bed, kitchen table?

I used to blog from home, on a pc, I blogged a few times from the WordPress app, two of those posts got eaten!  (Horrible I know!) Now in general I blog only on the weekends, from the comfort of a coffee shop, usually a caribou coffee with a latte and a hot tea.  It is my decompression time.

10. Introvert (recharge with alone time) or extrovert (get energy from people)?

Both! I find i strike a balance between the two.  I get lots of energy from being around my friends, and other people but at the end of an outing I need to go home decompress and find some time alone to process and recharge myself again.  It’s very hard to explain.

11. What is your favorite quote that keeps you motivated?

Choose your hard.  Everything in life is difficult… you always have a choice… you choose how you want to do things.

Do you comment on my blog and have a blog? Repost and let me know! Hey #f2fpackers I want to hear from you! Post this to your blog! :)

If Nothing Changes

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Last weekend I had a long chat with a dear friend, after many hours of laughter and conversation we both came back around to the point that we have all heard time and again.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

Now let it sink in for a moment. Still thinking? What are you thinking about?

 When I think about the statement I think about how complacent I became being comfortable at 250 pounds.  I let myself be comfortable there because, well, I had lost a ton.  Lots of things had changed.  Let’s face it, I was no longer feeling like I was at death’s door.  I was still working out, still eating right, mostly.  Mostly.

There is that word… mostly.  See back when I was 400+ pounds I ate mostly right… just in the wrong amounts.  There was someone on weight watchers that told me the point of their points plan was to get people to eat more fruits and veggies.  There was discussion that no one would ever sit down and eat 3 or 4 apples but you would sit down and eat a bag of chips.  Well I was the person that would eat 3 apples.  They are divine to me, I crave fruits and veggies, and while it isn’t easy to gain weight eating just fruits and veggies it is possible if you eat enough of them.  The sugars add up.

My new job has me all sots of out of whack with my eating.  There are days where I don’t get to eat because we are so busy and I can’t climb out from under the mound of work on my desk, where I am thankful for the ungodly slowness of the 4am hour when it is slow-ish and I can drink my cup of coffee that I brought with me.  There is also the other side of this where it is so slow that I am snacking on all the items in my lunch bag, that are in there because I never know what I will want.

The gym piece of my life is falling back into place.  I left the YWCA in favor of Snap Fitness.  The atmosphere is very different.  I like being able to go at anytime of the day or night, and I am thinking I may need to switch things up a bit again.  I have been going to the gym after work, I enjoy the scenery (read: hottie owner) while I workout, however after a 10 hour day on the desk, plus a half-hour of “other” work in the office, I am just fried.  The last thing I find myself wanting to do is going to the gym.  I am still going… most days.  I need to trade most for all, I need to invoke a negative consequence for myself, but more so than that I need to find that desire again.

So I am hopeful to try cranking my clock around a little bit more again and maybe get my ass into the gym before work… yes… I will go to work a sweaty mess… the nice part is I have that alone time in the morning where I can theoretically clean up in the washroom and make myself presentable again.

Change is needed… change is necessary.  Change is also scary.  What if I really can’t go any further with my weight loss?  I mean, seriously It has been almost a year now of me being in this same place… I am getting a LOT frustrated.

I wanted something in my life to change, I needed something in my life to change,  perhaps I need to just think about taking lean cuisine to work, nothing other than a frozen box of food to the office, then there is no choice.  As the weather gets nicer (read lighter outside) I plan on riding my bike to work, which will add to my activity level, but again… nothing is gong to change unless I make the change happen.

So my plan for now is to try to get on the bike at the gym and rebuild my endurance, or rather tolerance for that god awful seat.  (who designed those things?!) So that I can ride to work everyday, and get going in the right direction.

Something’s gotta give, and if it is my freedom of choice of foods in the office so be it. If it is freedom of choice in the time I go to the gym, because there is no snooze button on the alarm, once it goes off I have to get up and I wont just be sitting around for an hour before work, then so be it.

It is time to Rise Up again.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.

One Breath, For My Roots

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The second person to speak at #OBOS was Philly D, who I had never met before, mostly because my schedule has never allowed me Friday nights to go hang out with all the cool kids at hot yoga.  Happily that is changing and I will soon head off to my first Hot Yoga class in the near future!  Anyway, Phil had me in tears for most of his discussion.  He shared some very personal stories about his sister and some volunteer work that he does at a Children’s hospital with cancer patients.  A boy who communicates only by RAWR-ing because he thinks he is actually a dinosaur… because they are strong… I can relate. #rawr.

Do you know what the difference between being and doing is?  So many of us say I want to be BE healthy.  The dictionary defines being as something that exists.  That is something that I did for SO MANY YEARS in my life… I existed.  If you look back on this blog you see me talk about feeling like I was watching life pass me by because it was.  However doing is defined as action, performance, and execution.  I don’t know about you all but I sure want to be doing not being.

Remember the human doing project at Mall of America last year… they had him DOING… so think about that… to be healthy you have to DO.  There is a local health insurance company here that has a DO campaign and they truly have hit the nail on the head.  To be healthy you have to DO.

I am sure you are sitting there going so what Kris… we all know we have to workout, so Phil said go do Yoga right?  He owns a studio this is what he wants you to do right?  No.  It is hard to explain exactly what he was talking about in general or specific terms if you have never had that moment that wakes you up from that dark place, so forgive the bulleted nature of this.  I am going to try to not weep as I think about how much impact his words had on my heart.

Phil’s wish for each of us is that we can learn to be more awake in our lives, that we can me more aware of what is in front and around us.  In order to Rise Up and meet life, you must first wake up to your surroundings.  You must tune into yourself, make deliberate choices about your breathing, and movements, feel your body, feel your breath.

As you move through this life and become more aware of things you will know when something feels wrong, and when something feels wrong you will learn that you need to step up and stand up for others.  As you rise up you will see things that are unfair and unjust and you cannot ignore them.  They will not change unless someone speaks up.

As you rise up you must reach out and down to others, this is part of why Jen (@PriorFatGirl) shares her story, and a very big part of why I am so open and honest on my blog about my struggles.  When you reach out to others you let them know that there is hope, help and strength.

Be what you love in life, and use what you love to make a difference because it isn’t actually the length of your life that makes the biggest impact it is the width.  The more people you reach, and they in turn reach creates waves and ripples that will effect more people than you ever intended.

He also spoke about how important it is to be aware of your word choices, which was also something Mary spoke about.  The words you choose to define yourself, your life your goals and the things in your mind can really set yourself up for success or for failure.  Do you remember my Can’ts Won’ts and Don’ts post? Go back and read it… I felt like they both took a page right from my blog and were telling me to go back and read my words… Kris make sure you are picking your words correctly.

After hearing both Mary and Phil speak about how can’t and and won’t and don’t are so often confused I really felt like I had a grasp on something strong.  I know when I first had that moment of clarity about those three words back in August it really was something amazing.  It really becomes a more about DOING what you have to do and less about what you want.  I can’t cook healthy meals for my family is actually I don’t because my family won’t eat them.  Well guess what you CAN because you make those decisions.  I can’t workout because I don’t have time is really I don’t workout because I would rather watch tv, and I won’t give up that addiction to finding out what happens on that next episode of Lost (okay, I am out of touch but so what!) You get it right?

Who has control of your life?  Do you have control?  Who did you give the control to?  Are you ready to take it back?  Only you can!

One Breath, Because It’s Hard!

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Let’s be honest, my head is still swimming, or moreover my heart is still in overwhelm from Saturday.  The #OBOS events always hit me right in the chest.  I think it is because I let myself be vulnerable, because it is a necessary part of getting to the root of why I became 400+ pounds.  I think it is also crucial to helping others along the way.  So that being said, once again the topics covered hit right a bit too close to home, which of course were just what I needed.

Jen started out the morning having us close our eyes and raise our hands if we had felt recently that our journey was overwhelming or hard etc.  With my eyes closed, (but wanting to peek to know for sure) she assure us that we all had our hands raised.  I always secretly don’t want to raise my hand just to be “That Asshole”.  The point of the exercise isn’t about raising your hand anyway, it is about knowing that we are all there together, and I get that.  We all struggle, whether it is with motivation, or finding time to *whatever*.

Mary took over the conference just after that, and the topic she first brought up was, “Is being healthy hard?” Well, yeah! Duh! If it was easy there wouldn’t be the multi billion dollar pharmaceutical industry that exists, and the search for the magic-cure-all pill wouldn’t be happening.

This made me think about how we define healthy though.  Is healthy, the right weight, is it being fit, is it being off medications, is it fitting nicely in a box, or a certain definition?  It isn’t the same for everyone.  So it becomes very important for you to define your health your own way, and plan your goals and strategies the right way.

Mary started speaking about how sometimes our ideas and situations change, and that sometime the changes we make that are intended to be lasting changes aren’t always lasting changes.  For example, I joined the YWCA, it was awesome when I started out.  Since my new job started however it is not as convenient for me to work out there.  The hours are less convenient and I started using that as an excuse.  So my change to working out several days a week was no longer a part of my life.  This change didn’t last. Do I view this as a failure?  No Way!  This is a setback.

See, life is fluid, this is why all those checklists in magazines and 10-step’s to the perfect life type things don’t work out for any kind of long-term success.  You have to be prepared to be flexible and change your plans as life throws you a curveball.

Mary touched on a lot of things that I have come to on my own, but I have this problem… see I, like many of you I imagine, have these amazing moments of clarity and then they just pass, and I forget, or think perhaps they aren’t as great as I think they are.

Some examples of this are, Keeping an eye on “Your Bottom” line.  This is mostly about maintaining weight, but also pertains to when you are stuck in a plateau.  If you get comfortable in a place you become complacent.  Think oh it’s okay I am staying within these 2-lbs so it isn’t a big deal.  My lifestyle is changing and I am not.

I JUST went through this, I started my new job, and I wasn’t going to the gym because I was just plain exhausted, but I was eating the same.  The scale creeps around, and before you know it things are headed in a bad direction FAST.  You always need to be pushing the envelope, not necessarily to lose weight, but keep your eyes on the prize at all times.

Remember setbacks are going to happen, this is a part of life! They happen to everyone! Everyone falls, get back up, keep moving forward. You need to be prepared for this.  Remember everything takes practice which means that everything that you are doing is practice! So be prepared with a backup plan, know what tools you like, and what tools in your arsenal work best for you and use them.  Also be on the lookout for new things to try.

Did you read that…

Everyone falls, get back up. Keep moving forward. Falling is not failure. Failure is giving up, not getting up.

These words are a gift to you.  Let them sink in.  You need to remember them.

Another important thing to remember is that it is important when trying to do anything, whether it is lose weight or run a marathon, that you have to be doing it for the right reasons.  The right reason for me isn’t the right reason for you, and if you aren’t doing it for the right reasons you aren’t going to find lasting success.  That class reunion that you want to look awesome for, what happens when you go, and no one cares that you lost all that weight from when you were 15?  What happens after you break up with that girlfriend that had been making you go to the gym or train for that 5k?  Was the reason that you wanted whatever it was yours or theirs?  You can’t do it for someone else, you can only do it for yourself.  Looking back on my life, I WISH someone could have stopped me before I got to the point in my life where I knew I was going to die.

There were so many dark days in my life where I was so miserable, depressed, in so much pain, and I thought I was at rock bottom, and I just kept going down.  There are also so many people in my life who I see, and I want to push to rock bottom so that I can help build them back up, and make them want to save their own lives.  Sadly all I can do is offer a hand up when the time is right and hope that I can inspire them by doing what I need to and want to for my own reasons.  I got a taste of what I like to call the good life and I know what I want now.

Nike says “there is no finish line.” Which I totally agree with.  When it comes to things like living a healthy active life there will ALWAYS be something to do, try or achieve, however this brings up a great point… when there is no finish something is not a race which means it is perfectly acceptable to go at your own pace!  While at times I feel as thought I am sprinting towards my own goals, there are other times where I feel as thought I am sitting still on the track and lately I feel as thought I have turned around and am headed in the wrong direction altogether I need to be reminded that this isn’t a race.  The path I am on may have a loop or two but if I keep moving forward I will make progress.  Baby steps are still steps, I just need to keep making them.

One super alarming statistic that I heard during the event was that if you do not act on a new idea or concept within 48 hours there is a 50% chance that you will NEVER act on it.  This wasn’t surprising, as much as alarming… and I suppose it is very true.  This is why it was SO IMPORTANT that I act on switching my gym before I just decide to keep sitting around of going and using the hours as an excuse to not go!  When I first joined the gym in 2009 it was also an ACT NOW moment.  I drove past, and thought… I should probably check that out sometime… pulled a U-turn and headed back.  Enough waiting… if life has tought me nothing more it is that time is precious and it shouldn’t be wasted.  If you want something you MUST go after it… and don’t wait!

There was a bit of talk about setting goals, and knowing what goals actually are.  I personally really like the idea of setting up “S.M.A.R.T.” Goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely)  and I think that is what Mary was trying to get at in her discussion about pushing for deeper goals that allow you to form strategies with them. For example, I want to be healthy is an extremely vague goal.  However I want to get off of my blood pressure medicine by losing 15 pounds is a much more specific measurable goal.  With those things you can then formulate a plan of attack with diet and exercise.  Make lists of a few things to try, keep trying, and you will make progress on these goals and before you know it your goals become a reality!

Sometimes you have to learn to accept that your lifestyle isn’t going to match what your goals are, and something has to change.  Each situation you are in presents an opportunity for you to learn something.  You always have the opportunity to take something away from a situation, and it is your job to figure out what you are going to take away from it.  Sometimes it is very easy to spot what you are taking away from an interaction or situation.  Every interaction with a person or people can teardown or create a new level to your relationship, so be sure that you are doing all you can be, be present in that moment to foster what you want from that relationship, and this includes the relationship you have with yourself.  Don’t treat yourself poorly!

You need to acknowledge your feeling, learn to see them, feel them and lost of all how important it is to accept them.  It is perfectly okay and acceptable to feel sadness, or frustration, even regret is an acceptable emotion, everything you feel is okay as long as you let yourself feel it!  You know what is not okay?  Letting yourself eat these feelings,

Anybody Out There?

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Is there anyone still out there?  Apparently there are still a few of you out there lurking, looking for me.  Yes I am still here.  Lurking, living, surviving… I can’t really recall anything I have written… and I am guessing if you read in google reader you don’t recall the last thing I wrote! So here is a stream of thought from my mind to your eyeballs!  

For those of you that have seen me during this holiday season, I thank you.  You saw me through one of the very darkest times of year for me.  You will hear me say over and over again I don’t do well at holidays.  Too many years of being told “Way to go, you just ruined X.”  X being whatever holiday it was, be it Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or even Easter a few times. 

I can recall a few happy traditions from the holidays.  I sat in the mall at Rosedale this year waiting for my dear friend Jenn, sipping coffee and chatting on twitter about holiday traditions and remembered about getting a clementine in my stocking every year.  I still take part in the clementine, or orange in my stocking tradition, even if I don’t get myself a stocking.  You will always find a bag of clementines in my fridge this time of year.  You will also find some cherry chapstick, or Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers. This year I bought a chocolate mint flavored one!  MmM! It is like girl scout cookies without all the guilt! 

I trudged through Thanksgiving, taking my own food.  As many of you know I planned to do this for a long time.  After my food poisoning bout it was definitely a safer route knowing what my tummy would tolerate. I was not however prepared to feel the way that I did at dinner.  I felt as though I was being scrutinized for my decisions.  I felt (feeling words here, I am allowed to feel) that bringing my own food was not welcomed but i need to do what I need because not taking my own needs into consideration is what got me into trouble in the first place) I did take food to share, and people very much enjoyed my green beans with caramelized red pearl onions and balsamic vinegar.  They were certainly no traditional green bean casserole but they were a nice change of pace from the normal heavy sides that go with dinner.

The trip east to visit my parents… There are no words to describe how bad some points of this trip were.  I will leave it at that.  There were however some amazing highlights!  I got to see my Aunts from my mom’s side of the family which was awesome!  Even better was the day (the entire day!!) that I got to spend with my Aunt Paulette!  Ever since I was a tyke she and I had a special bond.  As I have gotten older we haven’t been able to spend as much time together.  She is a busy woman with an amazing career and I have been living a crazy life at one point 100+ miles away and now in another state. 

We spent a while chatting and catching up, then lunch in the mountains, and shopping and dinner.  It was amazing.  Spending time with her made me realize that while there is so much bad in my life from that whole area, there is some good that I can look back and find.  Shopping trips after christmas were always with Paulette.  I look forward to planning many trips back, to match with her schedule so that we can work on our bond together. 

Back here in the real world, Christmas was fast approaching.  Cookies were being baked… probably close to 30-dozen or more came out of my oven this year.  Food is love where I come from.  Or more specifically, this is how I can show my appreciation for people.  I took cookies to co-workers and friends.  I tried to stay busy.  I shopped, and wrapped, and prayed for no snow.  I did my job, and busied myself with lots of outings with friends. 

I tried to ignore the fact that Christmas is a holiday.  I try to treat it as if it were any other day.  I bought my Christmas ham as soon as they went on sale.  In Minnesota we are a Turkey on Christmas house, I grew up as a ham on Christmas person… so this year it was both.  A Turkey and a Ham on Christmas… with lots of leftovers frozen off. 

My December calendar looked much like my July.  Packed to the gills with gatherings of friends.  Avoidance of feelings perhaps.  Sushi or coffee, or walks around the mall.  Movies or outings any reason at all.  Any excuse not to feel the feelings that surround the holiday. Not to feel the hurt that is in those wounds that sit there.

A few days before Christmas an angel was sent to remind me that the holidays aren’t so bad.  I was in Target when a friend spotted me near the entrance.  He once again invited me over for Christmas.  December 24th.  I had to work my normal 4p-4a shift.  I respectfully declined, I needed my sleep.  We walked and talked for the better part of an hour.  I was reminded of how important it is to be with people who care about you, and how important this person truly is in my life.  I dropped my purchases off at home and spent the next few hours with him doing some last-minute shopping around St Paul.  Christmas eve morning, he called again to invite me to dinner, and I said okay.

So December 24th I went to dinner, with my family, the family you get to pick.  The family I choose, the ones that matter, the ones that warm my heart and lift my spirits.  The family that seems to always know the right thing to say, even when they are booger and fart jokes.  I went off to work filled with love. The rest of the weekend I rode on the high I was given by my friends that lifted my spirits.

The New Year is nearly upon us now. That means new things for me!  Did you know I will be starting a new position at my job?  That’s right! On January 2 I will be starting at 8:00am.  Day Shift?! Normal Hours?! I will have to do things like Pack a Lunch, Schedule Workouts, Sleep Normal Hours.  Oh My Goodness! 

I think this is actually the piece of the puzzle I have been looking for.  I kept trying to get a piece to click, one piece of the puzzle needed to slide into place for me to get my life to slide onto the tracks to move faster in the right direction.  Guess what folks, the bullet train is about to head off on the fast track! 

I am excited and nervous about my job.  It is with the same company, doing relatively the same job, but with more responsibility etc.  So it is definitely a positive thing.  Plus no more Zombie-Kris at the PriorFatGirl events!  Plus… Weekends Off!  It will take some getting used to as everyone at work adjusts to getting the scheduling worked out, but this shall be exciting.

That’s all for now… work duties call!