Tag Archives: depression

Flash Point

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So the memories of my past continue to trickle into my consciousness as the weight comes off, well okay at this point on and off.  Sunday I was at the YMCA,  I had just completed 28 laps (or more, it is hard to keep track when you are just doing random strokes) in the pool without stopping, I hopped thru the shower into the sauna for a 5, to stretch out the stiffness that was starting in my shoulders, then grabbed a drink at the water fountain. …

And there I was in my head first grade as if I were truly there… over weight, hot and sweaty and I could feel the panic, and the teasing.  I could remember the bullying that went on, even in first grade.  After recess we would all line up at the water fountain in the back of the class, and one person would hold the fountain for a count of 5 *something* (ex Mississippi’s).  I pushed my eyes closed sipped the water from the fountain until my thirst was clenched, pushing the memory away then went to sit on the bench.  I signed deeply and decided I needed to think about the memory that was there.

Since I have so few memories, and I have been told time and again that I have “no good stories” I figure I need to explore these things as they come,  Putting the puzzle together as it were.  I sat for a few minutes, which actually seemed like it was longer.  I thought back to the line for the water fountain.  I thought about how when it was my turn to hold the fountain down for everyone I always picked a long word, like spelling out Mississippi.  I would make sure everyone got a long 5 count of the word and I let everyone have the same amount of time to drink.  I thought about how I tried my best to be fair to everyone, then I thought about my anger towards the girl in first grade who stole my My Little Ponies and claimed they were hers, I had to have my mom come to school and then we had to go to her house to get most of them back.  I never did get them all back.  I though about how when almost everyone else held the water fountain they would favor their friends and give them super long drinks of water then would count to 5 as fast as they could for mine.

I took a deep breath and I tried to let go.  Kids can be cruel, I was from a small town.  I left that place behind as soon as I had the ability.  I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to end up like them.  I have a kind heart, I have a giving nature, something to be nurtured and developed, to be shared.

I talk to my parents for a few minutes each weekend and every few months my mom comes to the realization that I had a horrible childhood.  She has come to see now just how bullied I was.    My parents did the best they could, even when I told them that I was miserable and that things were bad they didn’t hear what I was saying.  They get it now . It means a lot to me that they can understand it now, that there is a face on the world of bullying, and that they can see how much hate there was inside of me for where I was.

I am working towards peace in my heart for the time I spent in that prison of punishment and torture called public school in my youth.  Each time I get one of these flashes I feel like I heal a tiny bit, like I am able to let a little bit go.  I know I will never get an apology from the people that made my life miserable growing up, because they still act the same way. It is the way things are there sadly.  If you are different it is a bad thing, whether it is because you are too fat, or have glasses, or are black, or have less money than someone else, whatever makes you different makes you less of a person.  To me whatever makes you different makes you who you are.  It is important to be yourself and it is important to follow your own path and not compare yourself to others.

I don’t know why I am sharing this with yall, but I guess I figure maybe  you can see how I landed where I am today, and how I have ended up with the tools I have, and the reason I am the way I am.  *shrugs* Have a good Tuesday friends!

Success Redefined

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How do you measure something that there is no clear definition of? Something that is not actually quantified by everyone the same way? How can one person simply define a word and it be the pinnacle and definitive answer for everyone. Simple, you can’t, I can’t.
Each and every single one of us must sit back and look at the big picture and look to see what we are trying to find success at. Are you successful can be such a loaded question, and lead down so many roads. It can lead you to a very positive or very negative place based upon where you are mentally and how you interpret the question.
In the health and wellness world how do you view success? When I started losing weight I was over 400 pounds. I know you have read it over and over again but it bears repeating because I will never forget it, I felt as though I was going to die. I was trapped inside a tomb that was my body. I had high blood pressure, dangerously high, I had high cholesterol, horrendous triglycerides and the thought of doing anything except driving around delivering packages in my car, and drinking red bull and Starbucks at all hours of the day and night was my reality.
I am still not at my goal weight, I got to about 250 and my life went through a shift. My personal life underwent an overhaul, my professional life went through a complete shift where I went from working nights and weekends to a 55+ hour a week shift that starts at about 3:45 every weekday morning. I regained in the neighborhood of 50 pounds and if I didn’t know better by most of the definitions that I can think of that would make me a failure.
WRONG! I make my own definitions of success, and I do not view this as a failure, because I am still trying. I am still actively choosing to pick the better choices for food. I choose to go to the gym instead of going to the coffee shop on Saturday mornings. I choose to push myself to be better I choose to get up and go.
I measure success not in the number on the scale, because a number while a unit of measure is not a measure of self worth, and is not a measure of what I have accomplished but in how I feel. I do not measure success in the size of my jeans, or in the number of friends I have or the number of miles I can run, which by the way is ZERO. I measure my success on the number of times I get up when I fall down.
I measure my success on how strong I can be, for myself and for my friends. I measure success in what I can give to others, and the strength I can share. This past weekend I participated in the #happy5k project. (Check them out on Facebook and Twitter!) I love this idea, it is a virtual 5k, and their motto is Have a Purpose, Push Yourself. I love this motto. As most of you know I am currently stuck in the pool for exercise (and if you followed twitter last nights dreadmill went horribly and I am back in the water until further notice) So I water walked my 5k.
I love that there are things like virtual 5k’s that I can participate in that allow me to have the sense of community with other athletes, that can give me the same rush and feeling of success that I had when I did the Prior Fat Pack 5k, or the Fathers Day 5k. I am hopeful that I will be back in action by the time the Color Run comes around in July, but since the treadmill killed me after 1.25 miles yesterday and I can barely walk due to heel issues from it today we shall play by ear.
I had a successful virtual 5k, I am part of something bigger. I love it!
So I will continue on babysteppin-waterwalkin my way thru one setback at a time as long as it takes.
I am a success story, I will forever be my own success story, I just have to decide how I want to end my success story… luckily there is still too much of the story to be written to worry about an ending.
Are you successful? Do you keep pushing yourself despite the odds to get where you want to be? How do you define your personal success?

I thought this was a weight loss blog.

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So if you look back through my blog lately there is just a bunch of bullshit. Really honest to god bullshit. Have you noticed? I certainly have and I don’t like it!

I know that this blog is a place for ME to write about all the struggles and changes that have occurred during the changes of my weight loss but oh my goodness, there has been no weight loss, there has been no weight loss in about a year… I am coming clean. I feel like a fraud. I am living healthy, and the only measure I ever had was the progress of the scale. I never had inches measured, I never had anything other than the scale, and the scale is no longer my friend.

Yes I can use other measures of success like how clothes fit, but those changes have slowed to a stop as well. My fear is that my body has reached that dreaded “stasis point” I have done all kinds of things at this weight to try and get it to shed some more pounds. I have tried eating more, eating less, working out more, working out less, and there I sit fluxing in the same window of weight.
I am endlessly frustrated, to the point of tears. I want to give up so much of the time. I just want to curl up and eat until I can’t move. I want to eat until I am uncomfortable. I want to be reminded of how horrible that time in my life was. That is not the answer. I am not going to do that. However I don’t know what the answer is.
I am not loving my new gym, while the owner is OMG smokin hot, it just isn’t working for me going after work. After I put in 10+ hours in the stress filled, emotional environment that I am in, I find that I just need to decompress, and when I go to the gym I am not getting a release, I am getting more stress. Stress that my hard work is all for nothing. I know losing weight is easy, okay well not easy, but calories in vs calories out, so perhaps scientific is a better way to phrase it. Why can’t I seem to re-crack my own code?
Making the choice to eat healthy is easy for me, I went to the Seward Co-Op lat night and made a HUGE salad, and didn’t bat an eye picking red peppers and cucumbers and onions and skipping all the old pitfalls like croutons and ranch dressing. I don’t miss those things. When I got home I measured out my 2 Tablespoons of dressing for 80 calories, shook my salad and ate it with a piece of chicken. It was great! However temptation lurks around every corner.
My freezer is currently loaded with things like Haagen Dazs Caramel Biscuit Ice Cream and southern style biscuits, and frozen cheese tortellini. The Baking rack in my place, along with pots and pans is home to Oreo cookies (Happy 100th birthday Oreo, thanks for making me hear about you nonstop for an entire day!), and pretzels, and Cheetos, and all kinds of other things. It is like temptation island. One cookie wont kill me, but one before work, then one after work adds up.
I am meeting with a friend today in hopes of getting inspired again, I know I am not going to throw in the towel, but it just seems like such a good idea some days. In light of how sick I have been in the last week or so it just seems like an easy answer. No worrying about how many calories are in the cough drops I am downing to try and get my voice to last through jut one more phone call at work. I know that this is going to be a lifelong struggle, but I guess I had hopes that I wouldn’t have this much of a problem until I was a little closer to my goal.
I need to succeed, this journey wasn’t about weight loss in the beginning it was about living a healthier life, well, I think it is time to change my mindset and really focus on that.
Lean cuisines, salads, and fruit-cups may just have to be a way of life for me again for a while. Also eating the same food everyday for each meal as much as I detest that may also become a staple. It will not be fun but it may have to happen.
I am unsure what it is going to take to get me back out of the slow lane and on the fast track, but I sure as shit cant sit here letting my friends pass me by and life start to do the same. So please, reach out to me, sent me a tweet a text a Facebook message, leave me a comment, bug the crap out of me. As I adjust to the time-change I will also be adjusting to trying to workout before work. May as well make that adjustment at the same time right?
Nothing changes if nothing changes… and something has to change.
This is a weight loss blog… not a weight watcher blog. I am tired of watching my weight do what it wants to, time to grab the power seat again!

Judging…

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Each of us has an opinion… an ideal weight an ideal body shape type an idea we would like to get to.  When we are struggling to tay on track, or get back on track, it is when I find I become the most judgemental of others, and myself.

Just this morning I was in the grocery store picking up some breakfast.  An apple actually.  To chomp on before I headed off to Caribou Coffee to return emails and check up on all the things I missed during the work week and I found myself being very judgemental of the woman behind the register.

I put my apple, the only thing I was buying down and waited for her to ring it up.  I made idle chatter with her.  Then she asked if that was all I was buying, I said yes and told her that was breakfast, and I was opting for an apple over McDonald’s.  A logical choice for me seeing as the only food I actually enjoy from that place is their coffee and their ice-cream cones.  The cashier proceeded to tell me that she needed to take that approach and start getting apples instead of fast food.  I am all in favor of this, I preach this all the time… top at Cub or a local supermarket or even gas station instead of that fast food place and grab a banana or apple or even hard-boiled eggs over a burger!  Whole foods are better than processed foods right?  Then my mind starts playing that game… That look at her, shes what 175 tops, why is she so concerned with her weight?  I wish I was that tiny.

I took my apple,, washed it off with the water in my car and chomped into it… and sat chewing and stewing.  I wasn’t angry that she wanted to lose weight, that passed in a matter of moments.  I was angry that I felt this sting of jealousy that she was so much further along in her journey than I was.  Moreover that she perhaps had not ever gotten as large as I did.

I was having my very own pity party right there at breakfast.  It didn’t last long but I noticed it as soon as it started.  I was unhappy with the fact that I was jealous of someone elses success because I still have so far to go and I am struggling to get myself into a routine right now where life balances again with this new job.

My job is really making things difficult, I no longer have the ability to just come and go as I like, I can’t spend 3 hours in the gym and then have a relaxing night at home before going off to work.  I am realizing now just how hard things can be in the real world… and how fortunate I was to have some time with my old job to get such a large chunk of my goal accomplished.

I don’t want to and WON’T give up trying to find a balance that works for me.  I have moved my gym to Snap Fitness as of last week and made it into the gym several days last week right after work.  I am shooting to make it to the gym for 5 45-minute workouts in a seven-day period, I know it isn’t anywhere as intense as I was working out, but I have to start somewhere.

I think I am becoming more in tune with what my emotions and feeling are at this point in my journey though.  Realizing that I was feeling jealous of the cashier, and thinking she had no right to want to lose weight was absolutely silly!  Everyone has the right to want to “do healthy” but you have to do something about it.  Being more intuitive about things with myself will make a difference long-term I think.  I just have to keep pushing forward and stay focused on what I need to do for me. One babystep at a time, I will meet my goals.

One Breath, For My Roots

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The second person to speak at #OBOS was Philly D, who I had never met before, mostly because my schedule has never allowed me Friday nights to go hang out with all the cool kids at hot yoga.  Happily that is changing and I will soon head off to my first Hot Yoga class in the near future!  Anyway, Phil had me in tears for most of his discussion.  He shared some very personal stories about his sister and some volunteer work that he does at a Children’s hospital with cancer patients.  A boy who communicates only by RAWR-ing because he thinks he is actually a dinosaur… because they are strong… I can relate. #rawr.

Do you know what the difference between being and doing is?  So many of us say I want to be BE healthy.  The dictionary defines being as something that exists.  That is something that I did for SO MANY YEARS in my life… I existed.  If you look back on this blog you see me talk about feeling like I was watching life pass me by because it was.  However doing is defined as action, performance, and execution.  I don’t know about you all but I sure want to be doing not being.

Remember the human doing project at Mall of America last year… they had him DOING… so think about that… to be healthy you have to DO.  There is a local health insurance company here that has a DO campaign and they truly have hit the nail on the head.  To be healthy you have to DO.

I am sure you are sitting there going so what Kris… we all know we have to workout, so Phil said go do Yoga right?  He owns a studio this is what he wants you to do right?  No.  It is hard to explain exactly what he was talking about in general or specific terms if you have never had that moment that wakes you up from that dark place, so forgive the bulleted nature of this.  I am going to try to not weep as I think about how much impact his words had on my heart.

Phil’s wish for each of us is that we can learn to be more awake in our lives, that we can me more aware of what is in front and around us.  In order to Rise Up and meet life, you must first wake up to your surroundings.  You must tune into yourself, make deliberate choices about your breathing, and movements, feel your body, feel your breath.

As you move through this life and become more aware of things you will know when something feels wrong, and when something feels wrong you will learn that you need to step up and stand up for others.  As you rise up you will see things that are unfair and unjust and you cannot ignore them.  They will not change unless someone speaks up.

As you rise up you must reach out and down to others, this is part of why Jen (@PriorFatGirl) shares her story, and a very big part of why I am so open and honest on my blog about my struggles.  When you reach out to others you let them know that there is hope, help and strength.

Be what you love in life, and use what you love to make a difference because it isn’t actually the length of your life that makes the biggest impact it is the width.  The more people you reach, and they in turn reach creates waves and ripples that will effect more people than you ever intended.

He also spoke about how important it is to be aware of your word choices, which was also something Mary spoke about.  The words you choose to define yourself, your life your goals and the things in your mind can really set yourself up for success or for failure.  Do you remember my Can’ts Won’ts and Don’ts post? Go back and read it… I felt like they both took a page right from my blog and were telling me to go back and read my words… Kris make sure you are picking your words correctly.

After hearing both Mary and Phil speak about how can’t and and won’t and don’t are so often confused I really felt like I had a grasp on something strong.  I know when I first had that moment of clarity about those three words back in August it really was something amazing.  It really becomes a more about DOING what you have to do and less about what you want.  I can’t cook healthy meals for my family is actually I don’t because my family won’t eat them.  Well guess what you CAN because you make those decisions.  I can’t workout because I don’t have time is really I don’t workout because I would rather watch tv, and I won’t give up that addiction to finding out what happens on that next episode of Lost (okay, I am out of touch but so what!) You get it right?

Who has control of your life?  Do you have control?  Who did you give the control to?  Are you ready to take it back?  Only you can!

One Breath, Because It’s Hard!

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Let’s be honest, my head is still swimming, or moreover my heart is still in overwhelm from Saturday.  The #OBOS events always hit me right in the chest.  I think it is because I let myself be vulnerable, because it is a necessary part of getting to the root of why I became 400+ pounds.  I think it is also crucial to helping others along the way.  So that being said, once again the topics covered hit right a bit too close to home, which of course were just what I needed.

Jen started out the morning having us close our eyes and raise our hands if we had felt recently that our journey was overwhelming or hard etc.  With my eyes closed, (but wanting to peek to know for sure) she assure us that we all had our hands raised.  I always secretly don’t want to raise my hand just to be “That Asshole”.  The point of the exercise isn’t about raising your hand anyway, it is about knowing that we are all there together, and I get that.  We all struggle, whether it is with motivation, or finding time to *whatever*.

Mary took over the conference just after that, and the topic she first brought up was, “Is being healthy hard?” Well, yeah! Duh! If it was easy there wouldn’t be the multi billion dollar pharmaceutical industry that exists, and the search for the magic-cure-all pill wouldn’t be happening.

This made me think about how we define healthy though.  Is healthy, the right weight, is it being fit, is it being off medications, is it fitting nicely in a box, or a certain definition?  It isn’t the same for everyone.  So it becomes very important for you to define your health your own way, and plan your goals and strategies the right way.

Mary started speaking about how sometimes our ideas and situations change, and that sometime the changes we make that are intended to be lasting changes aren’t always lasting changes.  For example, I joined the YWCA, it was awesome when I started out.  Since my new job started however it is not as convenient for me to work out there.  The hours are less convenient and I started using that as an excuse.  So my change to working out several days a week was no longer a part of my life.  This change didn’t last. Do I view this as a failure?  No Way!  This is a setback.

See, life is fluid, this is why all those checklists in magazines and 10-step’s to the perfect life type things don’t work out for any kind of long-term success.  You have to be prepared to be flexible and change your plans as life throws you a curveball.

Mary touched on a lot of things that I have come to on my own, but I have this problem… see I, like many of you I imagine, have these amazing moments of clarity and then they just pass, and I forget, or think perhaps they aren’t as great as I think they are.

Some examples of this are, Keeping an eye on “Your Bottom” line.  This is mostly about maintaining weight, but also pertains to when you are stuck in a plateau.  If you get comfortable in a place you become complacent.  Think oh it’s okay I am staying within these 2-lbs so it isn’t a big deal.  My lifestyle is changing and I am not.

I JUST went through this, I started my new job, and I wasn’t going to the gym because I was just plain exhausted, but I was eating the same.  The scale creeps around, and before you know it things are headed in a bad direction FAST.  You always need to be pushing the envelope, not necessarily to lose weight, but keep your eyes on the prize at all times.

Remember setbacks are going to happen, this is a part of life! They happen to everyone! Everyone falls, get back up, keep moving forward. You need to be prepared for this.  Remember everything takes practice which means that everything that you are doing is practice! So be prepared with a backup plan, know what tools you like, and what tools in your arsenal work best for you and use them.  Also be on the lookout for new things to try.

Did you read that…

Everyone falls, get back up. Keep moving forward. Falling is not failure. Failure is giving up, not getting up.

These words are a gift to you.  Let them sink in.  You need to remember them.

Another important thing to remember is that it is important when trying to do anything, whether it is lose weight or run a marathon, that you have to be doing it for the right reasons.  The right reason for me isn’t the right reason for you, and if you aren’t doing it for the right reasons you aren’t going to find lasting success.  That class reunion that you want to look awesome for, what happens when you go, and no one cares that you lost all that weight from when you were 15?  What happens after you break up with that girlfriend that had been making you go to the gym or train for that 5k?  Was the reason that you wanted whatever it was yours or theirs?  You can’t do it for someone else, you can only do it for yourself.  Looking back on my life, I WISH someone could have stopped me before I got to the point in my life where I knew I was going to die.

There were so many dark days in my life where I was so miserable, depressed, in so much pain, and I thought I was at rock bottom, and I just kept going down.  There are also so many people in my life who I see, and I want to push to rock bottom so that I can help build them back up, and make them want to save their own lives.  Sadly all I can do is offer a hand up when the time is right and hope that I can inspire them by doing what I need to and want to for my own reasons.  I got a taste of what I like to call the good life and I know what I want now.

Nike says “there is no finish line.” Which I totally agree with.  When it comes to things like living a healthy active life there will ALWAYS be something to do, try or achieve, however this brings up a great point… when there is no finish something is not a race which means it is perfectly acceptable to go at your own pace!  While at times I feel as thought I am sprinting towards my own goals, there are other times where I feel as thought I am sitting still on the track and lately I feel as thought I have turned around and am headed in the wrong direction altogether I need to be reminded that this isn’t a race.  The path I am on may have a loop or two but if I keep moving forward I will make progress.  Baby steps are still steps, I just need to keep making them.

One super alarming statistic that I heard during the event was that if you do not act on a new idea or concept within 48 hours there is a 50% chance that you will NEVER act on it.  This wasn’t surprising, as much as alarming… and I suppose it is very true.  This is why it was SO IMPORTANT that I act on switching my gym before I just decide to keep sitting around of going and using the hours as an excuse to not go!  When I first joined the gym in 2009 it was also an ACT NOW moment.  I drove past, and thought… I should probably check that out sometime… pulled a U-turn and headed back.  Enough waiting… if life has tought me nothing more it is that time is precious and it shouldn’t be wasted.  If you want something you MUST go after it… and don’t wait!

There was a bit of talk about setting goals, and knowing what goals actually are.  I personally really like the idea of setting up “S.M.A.R.T.” Goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely)  and I think that is what Mary was trying to get at in her discussion about pushing for deeper goals that allow you to form strategies with them. For example, I want to be healthy is an extremely vague goal.  However I want to get off of my blood pressure medicine by losing 15 pounds is a much more specific measurable goal.  With those things you can then formulate a plan of attack with diet and exercise.  Make lists of a few things to try, keep trying, and you will make progress on these goals and before you know it your goals become a reality!

Sometimes you have to learn to accept that your lifestyle isn’t going to match what your goals are, and something has to change.  Each situation you are in presents an opportunity for you to learn something.  You always have the opportunity to take something away from a situation, and it is your job to figure out what you are going to take away from it.  Sometimes it is very easy to spot what you are taking away from an interaction or situation.  Every interaction with a person or people can teardown or create a new level to your relationship, so be sure that you are doing all you can be, be present in that moment to foster what you want from that relationship, and this includes the relationship you have with yourself.  Don’t treat yourself poorly!

You need to acknowledge your feeling, learn to see them, feel them and lost of all how important it is to accept them.  It is perfectly okay and acceptable to feel sadness, or frustration, even regret is an acceptable emotion, everything you feel is okay as long as you let yourself feel it!  You know what is not okay?  Letting yourself eat these feelings,

Love is in the Air

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So I have a confession to make friends! I am in love! That’s right! Who knew it could happen again… It was so unexpected. No I am not talking about a boy… Or a girl. I think I have once again found my love for life the power of my soul, the thing that drives me forward and lets me and gets me out of bed.  My very own Allspark if you will. 

A few months ago as the seasons were transitioning I was really struggling with my depression. I was simply going through the motions of heading to the gym and following suit with my other “obligations”. My friends reached out to me but it wasn’t enough. I had to break free of it. I have been pushing my limits with #c25k, and pushing my body to perform at a higher level in and out of the gym.  Pushing my mind to the limits has helped me too!  It will bend, it will not break this time.  Expanding my horizons, knowing what is out there that I can do, that I can change.  I am Kris, my weight will not define me, it will not hold me back.  I choose my destiny and I have made my choice.
I don’t quite know when the switch flipped but my energy levels have started to climb. What sparked my notice of this? I was excited to work. I haven’t felt a true desire to get out and ‘bust my ass’ in a long time. I can feel the drive returning, I can feel myself becoming alive again.
Goodbye you funk! I am glad to see you go! I am happily engaging with my friends more and preparing for my next adventures!

Today is a #PFGMeetup, complete with a breakfast meeting before with some friends and a planned workout this afternoon before I get my sleep on.  I love the ladies and gentlemen that I have met during this journey.  They keep me going, they share in my joy and help me when I have my setbacks.  It is always a good day when I get to see or talk to one of these amazing people… and you know what, everyday I get to look in the mirror and know that I too am one of those good people. I just need to remind myself of that a little more often. 

Have an Awesome weekend my friends!

Being Frank

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I strive to be raw and honest here on my blog.  As many of you may have noticed the last few days there has been a distinct lack of posts.  Mostly I am out of words, I don’t have any exciting progress to report.  I am not losing, in fact I don’t even want to go near the scale out of sheer fear that it is heading the wrong way.

I am teetering here on the brink of a total meltdown.  I don’t know that I am actually strong enough to go the distance anymore.  See there are things we need to do in our lives.  There are also the things we want to do.  When I was 400+ pounds I needed to lose the weight or I was going to die.  Now I am in the 200′s and I have become comfortable.  I am not skinny, but I am not OMG look how BIG she is.  I am “socially acceptable fat”.

The biggest thing I am struggling with right now is that I have come so far… and I still feel like I have accomplished only a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done.  I feel like I am failing.  I feel like I fail myself, my family, and my friends because my progress isn’t where I want it to me.  Why do I keep fighting?  Is it even worth it? I mean seriously… Who loses as much weight as I have and is still fat?  I am where the “fat girls” start.  Where I am now in my healthiness journey is the part where the girls who were “hitting rock bottom” were when they started.

Do you know how bad it feels to know that I had to climb UP to hit that bottom? Do you know how hard it is to read about people who are “overweight” and “struggling to lose weight” when they only have 20 or 30 pounds to lose total.  I have lost that so many times over.  I can’t fathom having only that tiny amount to lose.

I want to quit.  I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel.  I want to cry and be “normal.” I have given up tracking and I am sliding into a bad place.  handfuls of popcorn are being shoved into my mouth without being measured most nights before I go to bed.  I am still going to the gym and working out hard but I am sure my caloric deficit isn’t a deficit.  My body media fit tells me how much I burn… but I know it is less than what I am eating.  I am in trouble.  The road before me is long… and with each glance at my past I feel my grip on the paddle to my future dragging me backwards. I don’t want that road to be any longer than it already is! It is already far too long.  I don’t know if I will ever make it back to 249.  250 252 254 252 haunt me. The dream of getting to 199 pounds is a pipe dream.  Unattainable comes to mind.  Nothing worth having is easy.  I must continue to fight… but I am struggling.  I am acknowledging this.  Putting it out there.  So… there you have it.  Judge me if you will… but yep, I want to quit. I wont, but I want to.

If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress. ~Barack Obama

 

So How Am I Really?

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Well, I posted a very honest blog here, letting you all know about how I was doing.  Things aren’t rainbows and kittens just yet.  It takes time to get back to where I want and need to be in my head, but I am working on it.  Sadness and depression are two very different things, and what I am fighting is depression.

I appreciate everyone’s outpouring of support, whether it was here on the blog, or on twitter, or emails, phone calls or real life hugs.  It helps, it all helps.  What I want to do, which is crawl into a hole and let the world pass me by, is the exact opposite of what I needed to do.

Tuesday night is my standard water aerobics then Trivia night, and it was a very quiet night.  The class was small, which meant there was a different feel in the class.  A class of four no matter what will have a different feel than a class of eight.  Then trivia while fun, lacked the punch of excitement that it usually has as it was only myself and two others.  I often find my energy feeds off of others, and the more excitement there is the more I have.

Wednesday I returned to the gym in the morning for another workout, which almost felt like I was just going through the motions. My heart isn’t in my workouts a lot of the time lately.  I think it is because I haven’t been to the cardiologist yet so I don’t know what I need to do.  I am afraid to push too hard.  The fear that I could have a heart attack because I am doing too much is now a bigger fear for me than I ever head when I was 400 pounds.

Wednesday night I met up with my dear friend Corynn for some quality gym time.  I plugged away on the treadmill for a total of 3.1 miles, while she worked on her bridge to 10k.  It is nice to have someone to do cardio with at the gym.  Makes the time go by faster.  We also hopped on the elliptical where I can run my little heart out and feel like superwoman.  Sadly I had nice big blisters form on the bottom of my feet.  Sometimes I hate my body.  The ehlers-danlos makes me more prone to blisters I guess.  I have never in my life had a pair of shoes that didn’t give me blisters.  If I could get away with running/walking on the treadmill at the gym in bare feet I would do it.  I felt a bit better by the end of the workout having spent some time with a friend.

That evening I had dinner plans with Meredith, sushi, a rescheduled girls night dinner from my food poisoning disaster week.  We met for Happy Hour sushi and chatted from 9:30 until after 11pm! Nothing super important or ground breaking, but sometimes it is just good to have a springboard to sound off on.  We laughed and acted like 8-year-old boys.

Thursday I hit the gym first thing in the morning and knocked off another 4 miles.  The recurring theme this week at the gym… I am not stretching.  Why?  Because it takes too much time.  When I was there with Corynn she asked me if I knew you had to hold a stretch for 30 seconds to get the benefit from it.  I do know this… and going to the gym twice a day… 4 or 5 days a week is time-consuming.  So i have been blowing it off.  Thursday night rolls around and I am in pain!  My right hip (the one I have had 3 surgeries on) in particular has been sore.  I went to the gym in an attempt to get a second workout in and after one lap in the pool I knew I was in for it.

I spent some quality time in the sauna stretching out my muscles.  I KNOW what I need to do, why can’t I do it?  Why do I do this to myself over and over again?  The only person I am cheating by not stretching properly is myself.  It is no different from cheating in my food log, or eating badly.  I am only hurting myself.

So Saturday is the #PFGMeetup, and I am planning to workout before the get together.  Complete with a stretch after my workout.  I am also putting a standing date on the books with Corryn to do cardio.  I think perhaps that will help me feel more like I am not just going through the motions.  I will want to keep stepping things up.  Maybe not… but it can’t hurt right?

So I keep moving forward, I am off the “I’m recovering from food poisoning eat whatever I want” track and I am back to tracking my food.  I go to the cardiologist on Monday and I will at least have SOME guidance as to what I can expect from that.  Never give up… never surrender.