Tag Archives: advice

One Breath, Because It’s Hard!

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Let’s be honest, my head is still swimming, or moreover my heart is still in overwhelm from Saturday.  The #OBOS events always hit me right in the chest.  I think it is because I let myself be vulnerable, because it is a necessary part of getting to the root of why I became 400+ pounds.  I think it is also crucial to helping others along the way.  So that being said, once again the topics covered hit right a bit too close to home, which of course were just what I needed.

Jen started out the morning having us close our eyes and raise our hands if we had felt recently that our journey was overwhelming or hard etc.  With my eyes closed, (but wanting to peek to know for sure) she assure us that we all had our hands raised.  I always secretly don’t want to raise my hand just to be “That Asshole”.  The point of the exercise isn’t about raising your hand anyway, it is about knowing that we are all there together, and I get that.  We all struggle, whether it is with motivation, or finding time to *whatever*.

Mary took over the conference just after that, and the topic she first brought up was, “Is being healthy hard?” Well, yeah! Duh! If it was easy there wouldn’t be the multi billion dollar pharmaceutical industry that exists, and the search for the magic-cure-all pill wouldn’t be happening.

This made me think about how we define healthy though.  Is healthy, the right weight, is it being fit, is it being off medications, is it fitting nicely in a box, or a certain definition?  It isn’t the same for everyone.  So it becomes very important for you to define your health your own way, and plan your goals and strategies the right way.

Mary started speaking about how sometimes our ideas and situations change, and that sometime the changes we make that are intended to be lasting changes aren’t always lasting changes.  For example, I joined the YWCA, it was awesome when I started out.  Since my new job started however it is not as convenient for me to work out there.  The hours are less convenient and I started using that as an excuse.  So my change to working out several days a week was no longer a part of my life.  This change didn’t last. Do I view this as a failure?  No Way!  This is a setback.

See, life is fluid, this is why all those checklists in magazines and 10-step’s to the perfect life type things don’t work out for any kind of long-term success.  You have to be prepared to be flexible and change your plans as life throws you a curveball.

Mary touched on a lot of things that I have come to on my own, but I have this problem… see I, like many of you I imagine, have these amazing moments of clarity and then they just pass, and I forget, or think perhaps they aren’t as great as I think they are.

Some examples of this are, Keeping an eye on “Your Bottom” line.  This is mostly about maintaining weight, but also pertains to when you are stuck in a plateau.  If you get comfortable in a place you become complacent.  Think oh it’s okay I am staying within these 2-lbs so it isn’t a big deal.  My lifestyle is changing and I am not.

I JUST went through this, I started my new job, and I wasn’t going to the gym because I was just plain exhausted, but I was eating the same.  The scale creeps around, and before you know it things are headed in a bad direction FAST.  You always need to be pushing the envelope, not necessarily to lose weight, but keep your eyes on the prize at all times.

Remember setbacks are going to happen, this is a part of life! They happen to everyone! Everyone falls, get back up, keep moving forward. You need to be prepared for this.  Remember everything takes practice which means that everything that you are doing is practice! So be prepared with a backup plan, know what tools you like, and what tools in your arsenal work best for you and use them.  Also be on the lookout for new things to try.

Did you read that…

Everyone falls, get back up. Keep moving forward. Falling is not failure. Failure is giving up, not getting up.

These words are a gift to you.  Let them sink in.  You need to remember them.

Another important thing to remember is that it is important when trying to do anything, whether it is lose weight or run a marathon, that you have to be doing it for the right reasons.  The right reason for me isn’t the right reason for you, and if you aren’t doing it for the right reasons you aren’t going to find lasting success.  That class reunion that you want to look awesome for, what happens when you go, and no one cares that you lost all that weight from when you were 15?  What happens after you break up with that girlfriend that had been making you go to the gym or train for that 5k?  Was the reason that you wanted whatever it was yours or theirs?  You can’t do it for someone else, you can only do it for yourself.  Looking back on my life, I WISH someone could have stopped me before I got to the point in my life where I knew I was going to die.

There were so many dark days in my life where I was so miserable, depressed, in so much pain, and I thought I was at rock bottom, and I just kept going down.  There are also so many people in my life who I see, and I want to push to rock bottom so that I can help build them back up, and make them want to save their own lives.  Sadly all I can do is offer a hand up when the time is right and hope that I can inspire them by doing what I need to and want to for my own reasons.  I got a taste of what I like to call the good life and I know what I want now.

Nike says “there is no finish line.” Which I totally agree with.  When it comes to things like living a healthy active life there will ALWAYS be something to do, try or achieve, however this brings up a great point… when there is no finish something is not a race which means it is perfectly acceptable to go at your own pace!  While at times I feel as thought I am sprinting towards my own goals, there are other times where I feel as thought I am sitting still on the track and lately I feel as thought I have turned around and am headed in the wrong direction altogether I need to be reminded that this isn’t a race.  The path I am on may have a loop or two but if I keep moving forward I will make progress.  Baby steps are still steps, I just need to keep making them.

One super alarming statistic that I heard during the event was that if you do not act on a new idea or concept within 48 hours there is a 50% chance that you will NEVER act on it.  This wasn’t surprising, as much as alarming… and I suppose it is very true.  This is why it was SO IMPORTANT that I act on switching my gym before I just decide to keep sitting around of going and using the hours as an excuse to not go!  When I first joined the gym in 2009 it was also an ACT NOW moment.  I drove past, and thought… I should probably check that out sometime… pulled a U-turn and headed back.  Enough waiting… if life has tought me nothing more it is that time is precious and it shouldn’t be wasted.  If you want something you MUST go after it… and don’t wait!

There was a bit of talk about setting goals, and knowing what goals actually are.  I personally really like the idea of setting up “S.M.A.R.T.” Goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely)  and I think that is what Mary was trying to get at in her discussion about pushing for deeper goals that allow you to form strategies with them. For example, I want to be healthy is an extremely vague goal.  However I want to get off of my blood pressure medicine by losing 15 pounds is a much more specific measurable goal.  With those things you can then formulate a plan of attack with diet and exercise.  Make lists of a few things to try, keep trying, and you will make progress on these goals and before you know it your goals become a reality!

Sometimes you have to learn to accept that your lifestyle isn’t going to match what your goals are, and something has to change.  Each situation you are in presents an opportunity for you to learn something.  You always have the opportunity to take something away from a situation, and it is your job to figure out what you are going to take away from it.  Sometimes it is very easy to spot what you are taking away from an interaction or situation.  Every interaction with a person or people can teardown or create a new level to your relationship, so be sure that you are doing all you can be, be present in that moment to foster what you want from that relationship, and this includes the relationship you have with yourself.  Don’t treat yourself poorly!

You need to acknowledge your feeling, learn to see them, feel them and lost of all how important it is to accept them.  It is perfectly okay and acceptable to feel sadness, or frustration, even regret is an acceptable emotion, everything you feel is okay as long as you let yourself feel it!  You know what is not okay?  Letting yourself eat these feelings,

5 Year Plan

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Where are you going to be in five years?

I personally don’t know where I am going to be five minutes from now.  The idea of knowing where I will be in five years isn’t something that I think about a whole lot.  I mean, yes I have long-term goals.  Move into a slightly larger place, where my dining area consists of more than a tray on the bed.  Where I can have people over for game nights and laughter can fill my home until the wee hours of the morning.  I would love to see myself continue to he happy, and healthy and making smart choices in regards to what I eat and the activities that I engage in.

So how do I go about starting to plan for my future?  Well readers… I was at the local bookstore searching out a book to read and help me start my New Year right, with a challenge to myself and I found something unexpected.

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I didn’t go looking for this book. In fact I didn’t even know it existed!  I grabbed it off the recently reduced shelf and started flipping through the pages.  The book is broken up into 5 parts.  Emotional and Physical Health, Family and Relationships, Home and Community, Work and School, and Here I am Again, Building on my Own Experience Up Until Now.

It seems like a pretty awesome way to guide myself into looking at my future in a more concrete light.  It asks you for specifics, measurable and attainable goals. Plus, it is a hardcover book that you write in… that always makes me feel like a rebel!  ~dun dun breakin the law breakin the law dun dun~

So after only a few moments of deliberation I knew I needed to have this book and that it was meant for me.  Afterall part of this years #DoD was that I am writing in my 5-year journal.  One entry in my paper journal everyday, even if it isn’t anything particularly meaningful. Observations, quotes, thoughts, it all counts.  I looked at the shelf space where I had taken the book from and saw there was one copy remaining and decided that I wanted to share this book with someone else.

That is where you come in!  Do you have a 5 year plan?  Is it written down?  Are you interested in setting yourself up for success in the next 5 years?  I can’t guarantee that it will work for you, but we could do it together!  So I am giving you the chance to win my second copy of this book.

Here is the deal, Winner will be selected by random.org on 1/13 because I like the number 13! Several ways to enter, but you have to do the mandatory one to be entered at all. Winner will be contacted and have until 1/16 to respond or another winner will be chosen.

Mandatory Entry… I am taking a question directly from the book… Please answer in a comment below (and include contact information incase you win)

“If I were describing myself in the third person as a character in a novel, this is what I would say:”

Other ways to enter…

  • Tweet about my giveaway
  • Blog about my giveaway

Be sure to leave a separate comment on this post for each entry and make sure I can contact you!

Welcome to 2012

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Well hello there little blog, and my dear friends.  I sit here looking at the blinking cursor after a very long night at work.  The days draw longer as I near a new chapter in my life.  Or what I hope is a new chapter in my life.  As I enter 2012 I am setting forth a few mini goals.

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My goals are not so much resolutions as “Declarations of Dedication” More of the same things that I have been doing, only bigger and better.  Towards the end of 2011 I got lazy, I got off track.  I stopped tracking again, I slacked off at the gym.  The excuses started to pile up.  I felt like I had no one to be accountable to, which is a load of horse crap if I ever did know one.

The only real thing that I want to make sure that I change this year is that I want to make this year injury free.  I spend so much of my life in pain already dealing with my various funkadelic illnesses that I truly don’t need to keep adding problems to it!  I need to take the time to stretch before and after my workouts.  I need to take the proper vitamins and supplements for my body.

I also need to be more aware of my surroundings.  As I went into work this morning to finish up some paperwork that I postponed during my shift last night to avoid being on the roads at that ever popular bar closing time I found this…

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Now if you can’t tell that staircase is loaded with a nice layer of ice.  The parking lot was tons worse where the cars and trucks had been in and out of the lot during the night as the snow fell.  I didn’t think twice as I tried to go up the center of the stairs without the use of the railing.  Duh Kris!  Use the railing!  I searched for some salt, unsuccessfully!  I also almost went ass over teakettle on my own stoop going out to my car this morning as well.  I need to slow down and look around.

So as I step into 2012 I am going to take things one step at a time.  Look around me and make sure I am setting myself up for success.  I would like to be in the low 200′s by this time next year.  My finish line ideally is 199.  I am not under any delusions that it is going to be easy, because god knows that it has certainly not been easy up to this point.

I want to leave you with this thought though as so many people are taking today, or tomorrow to finally start their diets.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  You may fail 99 times, but you have to get up 100 to succeed.  Please don’t ever give up on what you want out of this life.  You only get one shot at living and you have the power to create yourself.  It starts with the first step.  Take those steps now!

Happy New Year Everyone!  Welcome to 2012

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First Steps of 2012

Leftovers

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So after the turkey is roasted and you have eaten the same roast turkey dinner for the third meal it is time to start your mind churning to come up with some ideas for those leftovers right?

Now some options are buy a smaller turkey, (not in my house!) or don’t take home leftovers!  Other options are to make lunches and dinners and freeze them off for future meals.  Let’s be honest though I can only eat so much turkey as plain turkey.

So what do you do with your leftovers?  I am a big fan of making things that pull double duty, meaning I can cook them for a meal and make enough of them to freeze half off!  There is the ever popular Turkey Noodle soup, or here in Minnesota Turkey wild rice soup.  Something with lots of mushrooms and veggies to stretch it out.  There is turkey pot pie, where you can substitute out some filo dough instead of that pie crust to cut down on some of those calories.  I generally make just the filling and freeze that off so it is ready to thaw and top with dough!  You can also make a turkey chili either traditional red chili or white, and that freezes great!

Tonight on my menu is Turkey nachos!  Yep that’s right lots of veggies (and beans) and some spices and seasoning and I will be in heaven! I will very likely make a turkey hot dish (called a casserole where I come from) for dinner tomorrow night.  There really is an endless stream of possibilities for leftover turkey that even extends to things as easy as sandwiches both hot and cold.  Also don’t forget to freeze off some turkey by itself to add to your salads over the next few months.

Now you know why we never buy a smaller turkey around the holidays, and actually we buy a bigger one than we need!

Do you have a favorite thing to do with your turkey leftovers?  Care to share a recipe or a tip?  I would love to hear it!

Welcome to Hell Week!

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~Sirens Wailing~ Red Alert Red Alert! ~Sirens Continue~

Another major food holiday is about to land upon us!  Halloween is squarely in the rearview mirror, and the candy dishes are starting to run low.  Everyone has gotten back on track right?  Regular workouts of whatever variety they like, be it swimming or running, bike rides or roller skating have been resumed, or continued by most everyone I have been in contact with.  Everyone is getting set up for success right? RIGHT!!!

So are you worried about Thursday?  This week tends to be where diets are often thrown out the window.  I have every intention of not letting that happen to me!  As I have mentioned before I will be taking my own food with me to dinner on Thursday.  I have some things planned and I may have a few last-minute substitution plays in place as well.  I will also be roasting off my own turkey to have to make soups and such with for the subsequent week.

I also have my battle plan in place for Thursdays exercise.  My gym is closed on Thanksgiving.  This is one of the things that I really dislike about my gym.  It isn’t open 24/7, the hours can become a terribly difficult issue at times with my schedule.  So I will be participating in a 5k on Thanksgiving morning.  Currently there is a nice thick layer of icy gunk on the sidewalks and roads here in Minneapolis.  It makes me worried about my race.  I have had several slip and falls resulting in some serious injuries, but I will be playing the wait and see game about how I will handle race day.

I am hoping to find a way to make the food not the focus of Thanksgiving dinner, perhaps taking a game along might help.  I may stop at a place like Half Price Books or even Target and see if I can pick up Apples to Apples or something like that which we could use to break up the food-food-food feeling.

With all this being said I do want to remind everyone that Thanksgiving is just another day of the week.  It is just another meal and there is no reason to treat it as anything more than that.  It is very easy to blow things out of proportion when you have family or friends getting together and you want to put out a huge spread.  Remember to take things one decision at a time.  Start today with a big glass of water before your coffee or tea.  Remember that this is not an all or nothing pass fail system for life.

It feels like it is going to be an oatmeal kind of week, as the first snow has fallen in the Twin Cities.  Warm my insides and keep me full and moving as I hit the gym and stay on track.

Remember you have the power to forgive yourself and continue on even if you make a bad decision! Happy Monday everyone!

The Words Get In The Way

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“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” – Mark Twain

So how many of us have stuck our foot in our mouths on more than one occasion in our lives?  Said something to someone only to realize that it didn’t come out the way you intended, or it was misunderstood.  The english language is difficult, I can only imagine the same things happens all over the world in every language.  to err is human and we all make mistakes.

Lately I have found that I am struggling more than I have before to simply string words together in a way to ensure I am not going to offend someone on their own blogs.  I have friendships offline with several of the commenters on my blog.  We have done coffee or dinner, or even just shared our personal stories in a room full of people.

I read others thoughts and stories on their blogs, and it is indeed like peeking into their diary!  Opening up your life to strangers and friends alike letting them share in your successes and failures, your struggles and worries is so difficult at times.  So where my issue lies is knowing when to hold them up and when to push them forward.

With my friends, those who I see regularly, or converse with at least fairly often I can get a good sence of their limits and just how far I can push without being *that* person.  In my mind I picture a child on a swing set, and I am the person behind them willing to help get them started, and willing to give them that push to help keep them going when it gets tough and you are tired.  I want to help them keep going! How do I learn to do this with those that I do not yet know so well?  How do I learn to balance the support with the push.

Time and again I have heard things from people who when they have “given up” or nearly given up that I come along at just the right time with the right thing to say.  That little push, nudge or reminder is just the right thing.  I enjoy that, that I can do… where I struggle is when I see someone who is perpetually rehashing the same issues over and over again and not forming a plan to overcome them.  I know I can’t fix the worlds problems, but I want to try, I want to show people the door! I neer know whether I should keep telling them, oh keep trying you’ll get it, it will be okay, or put on my suck it up princess hat and kick them in the ass!

It is a tough road to walk.  Words can be like tiny knives cutting someone down, or cutting away the ropes that bind them to their old habits and setting them free.  So as I sit with windows open in my browser unsure of what to say, I am reminded by friends that perhaps when you can’t find the words, letting someone know that you are there is just enough.

So my dear friends… I am still out there… reading and searching for the right words to build you up, and make you strong.

Did The Orange Monster Get You Yet?

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Gossamer and Bugs Bunny in Hair-Raising Hare.

Monster On Your Back

So You made it through the last week at your office, resisting the brownies topped with candycorns. You avoided those mello-creme pumpkins right, because what exactly is that stuff?Did you run the Monster dash Saturday morning? 5k, Half-marathon, marathon? If you did I want you to give yourself a big high-5! I wished that any of the costumed 5k events in the twin cities had been on a Saturday this year because I would have loved to come out to do one of them. Sadly my job didn’t allow for switching around this weekend to get my run on. Did Saturday night prove to be harder? Did you party with friends and have a beer or two and then a slice of pizza? How about those tiny candy bars? Chips, popcorn, pretzels? I hope you managed to avoid those tricks!

So Sunday is upon us right? We are almost through this blasted sugar fueled holiday weekend right? What are you doing today to keep yourself from breaking into that candy for the trick-or-treaters. Are you refraining from buying candy at all? Have you waited until the last moment and are picking it up on the way home from work tomorrow? Are you going to be that one house on the block that gives our raisins? By the way, I loved your house as a kid! (Although I hear that sets you up to get egged which I don’t understand). I live in an apartment building, and since I moved here in 2005 not a single soul has knocked on my door. I have candy in the house, I almost always have candy in the house. Luckily I am not super into chocolate, it isn’t one of my trigger foods. I have had the same bag of Milky Way Simply Caramel bars for a while. They are about 100 calories a piece. I don’t have to feel guilty having a piece here or there as long as I am tracking what I eat.I also find it helpful to keep a copy of Hungry Girl’s Halloween candy guide 2011 around this time of year just incase I decide to indulge in a piece or two and know what I am in for. It isn’t a comprehensive list, and let’s be honest we aren’t really shoving that much candy into our mouths are we because we know just how long it takes to work off 100 calories in the gym! Remember once those kids are done ringing your doorbell on Monday night it is time to get rid of that candy if it truly is a temptation for you! There are a lot of options that don’t include making yourself a dumpster. You can cover the candy in dishsoap if you have to if that is the only way to keep you from eating it. There is also the ever popular take it to work which only increases the temptation to eat it there. You can also look around in your area for places to donate it! Locally there is a dentist buying kids candy for $1.00/pound, you can donate your candy there. Many homeless shelters, and women’s shelters will take that candy too, some schools might even take it. Another option is to donate it to our military. I know over the years I have sent countless bags of leftover candy that I collected to our troops overseas. Some is consumed but it is often distributed to people in the areas they are in to help form better relationships. Not a bad way to get rid of something you don’t really want around right?So I hope you all continue to be strong through the remainder of the kickoff of the “eating holidays” I make my return to the gym today for Week5 Day1 of #c25k today… first run since my 1mile victory. I am scared but not terrified. Should be an awesome thing to keep seeing my improvement.

Happy Halloween!
Tigger2011

Riding the High

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So Thursday was AMAZING!  I think it was quite possibly one of the proudest moments of my entire life!  I talked to my parents and told them about my accomplishment because you know what… I got bragging rights from that run!  My dad had always struggled with his weight, he was heavy as a kid, and for a bit of his early adult life.  He was SO PROUD of me.  He has become a great cheerleader for me during this weightloss and healthiness journey.  When I was young there was a lot of picking on me due to my weight problems and I know he didn’t realize just how bad it hurt me.  Our relationship is being repaired.  He told me that he has never in his entire life been able to run a mile.

Dad was always, in my opinion, the more fit of my parents growing up.  Yes he struggled with his weight, he had been near 200 pounds for as long as I can remember, but he did things like go hunting in the mountains.  That meant he had to “be in shape”.  Not in that “round is a shape” way.  We had a treadmill, he used it.  He had a gym membership, and he used it.  Mom exercised too, she would swim laps while she went to night school, but I never really thought of her as active.  Her job keep and kept her sedentary.  So when I told them both about my accomplishment I really felt amazing when they both told me that they had never in their lives run a mile.

I felt like an athlete.  I woke up wanting to go back and run again, but I resisted the urge because I know I need to hold off and wait to see how my body responds.  It is sometimes so difficult for me to walk the line.  I want so much to push my body, push it until it breaks and I vomit in the gym like you see, or don’t see on The Biggest Loser.  I know that because of things like my fibromyalgia, and my ehlers-danlos I need to respect my body even more than normal.  I know watching friends recover from injuries and how long it takes healthy active normal people to recover that an injury to me could be a potential disaster!  So I strive to create balance.

So Friday begins my crazy work schedule and my next formal workout won’t be until Sunday… when I head back to the gym for another #c25k run.  I am excited to try week 5.  I wont lie, there is a part of me even now that is still scared to try week 5, even though I just did this amazing thing the thought of those intervals and the potential to not do it scares me.

I will be squeezing in two sessions of Just Dance or Just Dance 2 in on the Wii during Friday and Saturday as workouts since my gym isn’t available 24/7.  I also need to make a shopping list and pick meals for the next week.  I am setting myself up for success any way I can.  #NoExcuses That mile reminded me that I really am making progress, even if I can’t see it all the time.

Have you done any amazing things lately?  Surprised yourself?  Got any suggestions for my dinners this week?  Let me hear it!

Unlocking The Code

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So Thursday I had a very busy day.  It was truly for the best, I got to sit down with my dear friend Jenn and talk about a lot of things that have been plaguing the two of us lately.  Mainly we have both been stuck.  Wanting to, and at times have been throwing in the towel.  Pieces of our puzzles have been out of alignment, components have gone missing and it has just been not good!

So today we sat down at the `bou, I with my tea, as opposed to a latte (I know right?!) and we started to hash out a plan of action.  While I don’t think it is proper to share the exact contents of our entire evening long discussion that led us to walk around several stores I do want to share with you an analogy that I think helped a bit today, and it was spawned by something I use almost every day!

Unlocking Your Code To Success!

Unlocking Your Code To Success!

 You see that lock there… each of us has one.  Do you know how to open one?  Left, right, left. simple right? You have to have the right code though. Think of each number or letter as a component of your life and you have to make them work together in order to get that lock open.  So if you need 3 components to get that lock open they need to work in the right combination.  So for example you need to eat right, (whole, unprocessed, quality, calorie controlled food), you need to exercise, and you need to get enough sleep.  You have three pieces of this puzzle.  You have to get them in just the right combination to make that lock work.  It is a puzzle and you have to work to get that lock to click for you!

So if I give you the 3 keys of the 20 options on the lock you are ahead of the game.  You just need to work on finding the right order to balance them out!  We each struggle with one part of this more than another.  Break it down knowing you will eventually have to get all the pieces to line up to unlock the secret.  If food is what comes more easily to you, perhaps that is the first letter to open your lock.  Get that part down, and become comfortable with where that location is so to speak, then worry about what comes next!  Pick your next battle, the next thing to tackle, and work through the combination tackling it left and right next.  Before you know it you will be adding in that third part to pop open the lock and your keys to success will be there.  Sometimes you will have to jiggle the lock a bit, and we all know what happens when someone sees your combination, or in my case as your lock gets old, its time to reset that locks combination and shake it up!

Go into it with a plan and start with one thing to focus on at a time.  Trying to restart and refocus on every little thing at a time will likely cause a feeling of sheer overwhelm and cause you to want to quit, like I had and we just can’t have that.

So think about the components of your journey, think about where you can fine tune what you are doing.  Look into your journey and see what you can break down and focus on to find your successes too.  It is important to remember to celebrate those victories… I had gotten away from that.

I am still working my rebound… but I am on track.  Feeling strong, knowing I cn ask for help.  Ready to take on the world!

Being Frank

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I strive to be raw and honest here on my blog.  As many of you may have noticed the last few days there has been a distinct lack of posts.  Mostly I am out of words, I don’t have any exciting progress to report.  I am not losing, in fact I don’t even want to go near the scale out of sheer fear that it is heading the wrong way.

I am teetering here on the brink of a total meltdown.  I don’t know that I am actually strong enough to go the distance anymore.  See there are things we need to do in our lives.  There are also the things we want to do.  When I was 400+ pounds I needed to lose the weight or I was going to die.  Now I am in the 200′s and I have become comfortable.  I am not skinny, but I am not OMG look how BIG she is.  I am “socially acceptable fat”.

The biggest thing I am struggling with right now is that I have come so far… and I still feel like I have accomplished only a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done.  I feel like I am failing.  I feel like I fail myself, my family, and my friends because my progress isn’t where I want it to me.  Why do I keep fighting?  Is it even worth it? I mean seriously… Who loses as much weight as I have and is still fat?  I am where the “fat girls” start.  Where I am now in my healthiness journey is the part where the girls who were “hitting rock bottom” were when they started.

Do you know how bad it feels to know that I had to climb UP to hit that bottom? Do you know how hard it is to read about people who are “overweight” and “struggling to lose weight” when they only have 20 or 30 pounds to lose total.  I have lost that so many times over.  I can’t fathom having only that tiny amount to lose.

I want to quit.  I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel.  I want to cry and be “normal.” I have given up tracking and I am sliding into a bad place.  handfuls of popcorn are being shoved into my mouth without being measured most nights before I go to bed.  I am still going to the gym and working out hard but I am sure my caloric deficit isn’t a deficit.  My body media fit tells me how much I burn… but I know it is less than what I am eating.  I am in trouble.  The road before me is long… and with each glance at my past I feel my grip on the paddle to my future dragging me backwards. I don’t want that road to be any longer than it already is! It is already far too long.  I don’t know if I will ever make it back to 249.  250 252 254 252 haunt me. The dream of getting to 199 pounds is a pipe dream.  Unattainable comes to mind.  Nothing worth having is easy.  I must continue to fight… but I am struggling.  I am acknowledging this.  Putting it out there.  So… there you have it.  Judge me if you will… but yep, I want to quit. I wont, but I want to.

If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress. ~Barack Obama