Tag Archives: 2012

Sunday Struggle

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Perhaps it is the lack of structure on my weekends that leaves my mind to run wildly.  Maybe it is as simple as I am not stressed and that allows my emotions and feelings to come to the surface and I can deal with them.  Either way I find myself today struggling again.

Yesterday I had a chat with my dad, which led to a conversation about my brother.  I don’t talk much about my family on my blog, because I don’t like putting other people’s intimate life details on here.  It isn’t my place to share other people’s stories.  This is the story of me, but I can’t help it this time.  My brother is 28, and a big guy.  We were always both heavy as kids, until he became diabetic.  Not type II, he is the kind you can’t prevent, the kind that requires shots, the kind there is no cure for.  He lots a ton of weight when he was diagnosed, he was active and I was jealous, he would play soccer, and I would help coach from the sidelines.   I came to terms with the fact that I would bury my brother at some point during my life.  Diabetes has so many complications, and he is a rebel who never takes care of himself.  It hurts me deep down inside, on a core level.

My conversation with my dad went along the lines of dad telling me he wished that my brother would get his act together and be more like me.  He also told me that I should tell my brother how easy it is to lose weight and live healthy, to which I corrected him, because I don’t want anyone to be under that delusion that it is easy to lose the amount of weight that I have lost, and still have to lose.  My dad went on to explain that my brother at 28 years old now has what is called diabetic retinopathy.  In everyday terms this means that the blood vessels in the backs of his eyes are weeping blood and this is obstructing his vision.  Friday he will have surgery to have them cauterised.

I texted my brother a bit, asking questions, playing dumb knowing more than I led on, and he was not concerned at all.  He said that my dad was making a big deal out of nothing with this and that this kinda thing is no big deal.  This is a slippery slope he is on, he hasn’t been taking care of himself for a very long time.  Too much alcohol, bad food, and fun and not enough control of his insulin and other responsibilities have led him to be under 30 and having complications he should not see for many more years. He is living in denial.

I am struggling with Mary’s words echoing in my head.  You cannot hit rock bottom for someone else, they have to hit rock bottom alone.  I struggle knowing how much damage he is doing to his body and how these thing cannot be reversed.  I struggle knowing that I have come to terms with the fact that I will lose my brother before I should, and that I still have him in my life and that he doesn’t care at this point.

I want him to care, I want to make him care, I want him to see all that there is out there to life, all the important things there are.  All the beauty and wonder there is to behold.  All the amazing things I have found as I have gotten away from where I grew up and have found on my own as my life has truly become my own on this journey have changed who I am.  I want it for him and I can’t do this for him.

Maybe someday he will change… I hope he gets it before it is too late.

One Month

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I have officially been a Full Time employee at my job for one month… and I like to think I am starting to find a rhythm.  I haven’t had steady hours yet for a month, but that month-a-versary is rapidly approaching.  I can’t believe how much time it takes to have a full-time job and live a healthy and ACTIVE life.

When I get up for my shift that starts at 4am monday through Friday my alarm currently goes off at 3am… and that coffee pot better already have hot coffee in it or I am going to be crabby!  Happily putting the coffee on has become ritual for me the night before as I pack my lunch.  I have resisted the urge to grow my ass back with take out lunches and fast food.  (interestingly enough, i typed fat food about four times there)  Several time since I have been there they have done takeout from local joints, this includes pizza, and random junk.  I happily eat my brought from home foods telling myself it is not only better for me but for my wallet!

One of the things I hope to accomplish with this new position is establishing a better life for myself.  Not just a better schedule, which is still truly up for debate, while my hours are more normal, because I can go out to dinner, or happy hours, and have weekends off, I still goto bed at about 6pm most nights.  I am up on weekends though  like a human being not a vampire.  So any locals want to do something on weekends… movies coffee walks around the lake hit me up!

2012-02-03_09.29.39.jpgThis last week of lunches really had a few of the passers-by intrigued.  I was having spinach salads as either breakfast or lunch.  Super simple salad just spinach with dried cranberries a sprinkle of cheese the one friday had a sprinkle of bacon bits and the sunburst tomatoes that are so trendy now.  Sometimes I add some pecans (walnuts are a great substitute for those that are not allergic, I am) for a bit of textural variety and some healthy fat.

I am still on my yogurt kick.  My Chobani and Fage supplies are running very low.  I have a few of the Dannon Greek yogurts (the Lime Flavor) to fill the gaps until I head off on a major shopping trip.  I always feel like the guys in the office laugh at me as I eat my greek yogurt and then talk about how there is more protein in it and that make me feel more satisfied than some of the more sugary types like the yoplait light stuff.    They don’t know the inside joke of my #YogurtGuru nickname.  Speaking of yogurty stuff… When I was shopping last week I saw that Liberte had started, like so many other companies making a greek yogurt.  I had taste tested their regular yogurt, and found the yogurt to be a bit too sweet and it for sure had far too many calories for my diet.  The stats on the greek didn’t appear to be bad, and I thought perhaps because it was a greek it might have a bit less of the cloying sweet flavor to it.  It had a texture that I was slightly put off by.  I tried the Fig flavor which I was super excited to try.  I adore figs, sadly I can’t recommend this product to my faithful yogurt friends.  If you are looking for something new to try I suggest you add figs to some plain Fage or Chobani or even the Costco brand greek sweetened with whatever you like for a treat.

I have gone back to taking vitamins the chewable gummy kind, i cant seem to take the pill form ones without “rejecting” them as the guy at snap fitness called it.  It seems to be a reoccurring problem with some people.  I have tried lots of other kinds of vitamins, of different qualities brands and manufacturers, must just be something about the binders maybe.  So gummy multivitamin and gummy calcium are now my dessert in the afternoon if I forgot them as a midmorning snack.  :)

I asked my friends in the #f2fpack for some help with breakfast ideas for work.  I have some time in the mornings once I am at work where I can reheat, or cook with the microwave, so that perhaps I can venture outside of the world of fresh fruit and yogurt.  The suggestions ranged from overnight oats to make ahead egg McMuffins.  So hopefully next week I will be able to tell you all at least what I tried and what worked and didn’t for me.  I forgot about oatmeal… I used to eat Better Oats all the time.  I know I don’t mind cold oatmeal either so if I were to forget about the oatmeal it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

My days are still in flux trying to figure out how to fit the gym in.  I spent the last 2012-02-02_16.32.20.jpgweek skipping the gym due to an injury sustained last friday at work.  I told myself I was going to be injury free in 2012 so I couldn’t use it as an excuse… well this time It was a doozie!  Any resistance, including wearing the shoes that I wear to work causes some mild pain in my shin.  I don’t think there is any damage other than just the nastiness of the bruise.  The photo doesn”t even capture all the awesome colors in the bruise!  I also have some bruises on my arm from the impact of the fall.  I can see the insertion points from where the muscles connect to the bones.  It is kinda cool and makes me miss all the anatomy I used to study. I think I am going to try to ease back into the gym, perhaps no jumping right back onto the arc trainer but maybe onto the treadmill for a while after work each day.  I figure if I don’t allow myself to go home right after work I will be forced to go to the gym.  If I make it a part of my routine then It will stick.  Babysteps right?

So slowly I am adapting, I am getting into the swing of the shift that is now to be my life until I find a new job.  I miss my late night sushi adventures with my friends,  I miss my trivia nights with other friends.  I miss the laughter and smiles.  What I am finding though is that people, my friends, are receptive to the fact that I can’t live the life I was.  While it was healthy in a way, it was still not healthy, and I am moving towards a healthier life.  They are bending and flexing with me to make sure that our friendships can stay intact.  Early dinners, text messages, emails, we stay in touch, phone calls that go unanswered happen, heck even my parents aren’t getting their regular phone calls right now, they understand.

Life is a journey has become far too cliché, Life is a verb, take action.  This week my plan is to make it back into the gym 3 days despite the pain in my leg.  I’ll take my Arctic Ease wrap with me and ice down post workout.  I can’t keep sitting still… times ticking away!

Noisy Head this morning.

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The answers and changes and things you are seeking in life will never just come to you, you must seek them out.  You must work for them.  You must continue to look for the smallest glimmers of hope and provide them a place to grow.

You must foster the things you find important in life, the things you value in yourself and others.  You must look for those opportunities and jump on them when they come past.

Life is fleeting, time is passing.  Stop waiting.

Make fertile the important things in your life, nourish the things in your life with the richness that you can provide whether through words or actions.  BE present, grab hold.

My head is very noisy this morning.  I can’t even put into words what I am feeling other than don’t let life, and love, and friends, and the things you value in this world slip away.  Look around, before it is too late.

Judging…

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Each of us has an opinion… an ideal weight an ideal body shape type an idea we would like to get to.  When we are struggling to tay on track, or get back on track, it is when I find I become the most judgemental of others, and myself.

Just this morning I was in the grocery store picking up some breakfast.  An apple actually.  To chomp on before I headed off to Caribou Coffee to return emails and check up on all the things I missed during the work week and I found myself being very judgemental of the woman behind the register.

I put my apple, the only thing I was buying down and waited for her to ring it up.  I made idle chatter with her.  Then she asked if that was all I was buying, I said yes and told her that was breakfast, and I was opting for an apple over McDonald’s.  A logical choice for me seeing as the only food I actually enjoy from that place is their coffee and their ice-cream cones.  The cashier proceeded to tell me that she needed to take that approach and start getting apples instead of fast food.  I am all in favor of this, I preach this all the time… top at Cub or a local supermarket or even gas station instead of that fast food place and grab a banana or apple or even hard-boiled eggs over a burger!  Whole foods are better than processed foods right?  Then my mind starts playing that game… That look at her, shes what 175 tops, why is she so concerned with her weight?  I wish I was that tiny.

I took my apple,, washed it off with the water in my car and chomped into it… and sat chewing and stewing.  I wasn’t angry that she wanted to lose weight, that passed in a matter of moments.  I was angry that I felt this sting of jealousy that she was so much further along in her journey than I was.  Moreover that she perhaps had not ever gotten as large as I did.

I was having my very own pity party right there at breakfast.  It didn’t last long but I noticed it as soon as it started.  I was unhappy with the fact that I was jealous of someone elses success because I still have so far to go and I am struggling to get myself into a routine right now where life balances again with this new job.

My job is really making things difficult, I no longer have the ability to just come and go as I like, I can’t spend 3 hours in the gym and then have a relaxing night at home before going off to work.  I am realizing now just how hard things can be in the real world… and how fortunate I was to have some time with my old job to get such a large chunk of my goal accomplished.

I don’t want to and WON’T give up trying to find a balance that works for me.  I have moved my gym to Snap Fitness as of last week and made it into the gym several days last week right after work.  I am shooting to make it to the gym for 5 45-minute workouts in a seven-day period, I know it isn’t anywhere as intense as I was working out, but I have to start somewhere.

I think I am becoming more in tune with what my emotions and feeling are at this point in my journey though.  Realizing that I was feeling jealous of the cashier, and thinking she had no right to want to lose weight was absolutely silly!  Everyone has the right to want to “do healthy” but you have to do something about it.  Being more intuitive about things with myself will make a difference long-term I think.  I just have to keep pushing forward and stay focused on what I need to do for me. One babystep at a time, I will meet my goals.

One Breath, One Post

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So for most of my long time readers you know how my life has been since, well since I moved here.  I worked some crazy hours.  Not that my hours now would, could or should be described as normal, but they are more normal than they were.  I have weekends off, and I sleep during the nighttime hours… mostly.

Saturday outings were almost always things that I missed, opportunities that I wanted to take, and would often pass on, with one exception.  When I saw a random tweet from @PriorFatGirl I knew destiny had taken a hand in my life.  I started following her blog, and twitter, reading back, learning.  Last year I asked to have someone cover my Saturday shift for a few hours and would pull an amazingly long few days (2pm Friday until 4am Sunday) to have the opportunity to meet some amazing people.  Happily I got some sleep during that time and slept after only being up for 30-some-odd hours.  That is neither here nor there.  That was one of the first ventures into meeting people from the blog community here in Minneapolis.

It has been an amazing life changer.  Shortly after that conference/get together/whatever is when I started blogging again publicly thanks to Jen.  There have been several One Step One Breath get togethers since that one, some formal, some just coffee and chat sessions, and I have not missed a single one.  I rearranged my schedule to make them possible, never sleeping before them due to my work schedule.  Well things have changes now and yesterday I had the opportunity to go to one without the added stress of thinking about the people who had to take over work for me.

I am so grateful for the people who I get to see at these events.  My brief encounters with my old friends, and chance encounters with new people are just so enriching to my life.  I foster so many friendships in such a short time I am so thankful to Jen for reaching out to all of us and giving us a safe space in which to share our struggles and feelings.

So really… I know why you are all here… You want to know what was covered right? You know Jen was there, after all it was her event, and Mary, from over at Fit This, Girl! was also there to speak.  Elle She has an amazing story to tell as well.  We also got to meet Philly D! Who is a yogi, and owner of the Moksha Yoga Studio that is the ever popular Friday night hang out for so many of my friends! The rest of the speakers were US! Believe it or not I count everyone that attends these events as a speaker! From Ann who spoke a bit about how to dress for outdoor running to Liz who was talking about some Weight Watchers things.
What you take away from these events is more than the two pages of notes that I have scribbled down (which I will get to don’t worry!). You take away emotion, you take away a little less, “Aloneliness” knowing that you were in a room where every single other person there has at some point crossed or will cross a similar struggle that you have.
So if you shared your story, or took part in listening to mine yesterday thank you.  We are all learning and growing together, and I hope that you took something away from the event that is exactly what you were looking for.

So what did I take away from the event… Stay Tuned! :)

Sitting Still

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So my new job involves… a lot of sitting. There are at times a lot of ladder climbing, and a lot of running back and forth from the warehouse to my desk, but lets face it… Kris is now a desk jockey and her caloric intake needs to change.  How do I know this?  Well the scale has not been my friend. Due to the shift in my sleep pattern I have had ZERO energy to go to the gym like NONE.  I starter regaining momentum and now they are cranking my hours around again.

Once my schedule is set in stone I will have no issues forcing myself to pick a class, or a new gym if need be, and making the commitment and getting back there, but my body needs the sleep right now.  This coming week I will need to be at work at 4am every day.  That means the alarm will be ringing at 3:00am every morning. That is an ungodly hour, but I will be logging out of work at 2-ish.  Which will end up being a perfect time to hit the gym when I am finally stable.

I however have forgotten that with less activity to crank back my calories significantly.  Yep, things are not happy in diet-land.  I have not fallen victim to ordering in lunches or anything like that.  I pack my salads and yogurts etc.  However I am falling into that get home and I am hungry while making dinner problem.  I start eating, then eat a few hundred calories, (cheese, or crackers or  nuts etc) then dinner.  This week I am plotting everything out.  I wont have time to be messing around at home with cooking something complicated, I need to take tomorrow and shop and prep EVERYTHING for the week.  Cut up not just the veggies and lay out my fruit but cut up whatever proteins I will be cooking for the week, etc.

So I am going to try a spreadsheet/chart type deal tracking the calories in each potential meal and then I can shuffle them, but I need to crank back my calories.  I am not willing to let my new job ruin all the hard work I have accomplished thus far.  I am not giving up this fight.  I have come too far.

So I need to do some research for recipes that are easy-peasy quick and easy, low cal and taste good!

 

I also am sad that I don’t sem to have much time for blogging right now… that will hopefully change as I get more settled in my job… and on a set schedule… but for now it is what it is.

Also Congrats to Amanda for winning my 5-year Plan book giveaway!

Wow, Let’s Slow Things Down for a Better Look.

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So it has been a week since I actually sat down in front of a computer to do something for me.  This new job is actually really cool.  It has kept me pretty busy and is forcing me to adapt or die so to speak.  So I am sorry to my bloggie friends I have not kept up on blogs, it has been work, dinner, sleep repeat all week.  Today is a new day (off!).

The last week was a lot of sink or swim.  Tuesday I was in at 8 and out at 2:30 and on Wednesday more of the same.  Thursday was balls to the wall 8 which i showed up early to get a few things done (which I wont be doing again… lesson learned) until 4, and was up and down a ladder more times than I think I have ever been in my entre life.  Friday was my very first 4am start at work and I worked until 2. It wasn’t a bad day, just intense.  It was a sink or swim day and I did the doggie paddle the whole day keeping my head above water. Next week one of my office mates is on vacation, and I know I will be busier during the first 4 days of the week.

I don’t plan on this becoming a work blog, but this is a big change in my life… mainly what I want to share is the deal with the ladder.  I know I posted about this ladder a while back.  When I started at this company back in 2005 there were (and still are) three ladders in our warehouse.  We manage parts and we need to pull them to ship or for customers to come in and pickup.  Well, there is a medium hight, medium width ladder, which i could kinda fit onto, which let me get to some of the higher shelves when I started my old job.  There was a shorter much wider ladder that let me get to most of the medium level shelves which I had no problems getting up on. There was also a tall skinny (boy does that make me want a latte) ladder.  There was no chance in hell my ass was fitting on that ladder.  A while into my journey I had a parts pull on a Saturday and I had no way to get this part but to attempt the impossible, or call the boss because the usual person I called to help me was unavailable.  I took a step and slipped easily inbetween the bars of that ladder.

While I can now easily slip up and down that ladder… I don’t like stairs.  I live on the third floor of a walk-up.  That means I get my stairs in every day.  I don’t need ladder work in my opinion.  Plus I have a bad knee, bad hip, and bad ankle, all on my right leg.  I am also wobbly, but I do it.  I do what is required of me.

I did several hours of warehouse work on Thursday, and more on Friday morning while things were slow.  The ladder serves as a good reminder to me that hard work is going to take me to where I need to go.

I have been taking food with me to work, usually a Chobani (as I found the new flavors and have been mixing them into my yogurt rotation, or a Fage (the kind with the sidecar of fruit), also a sandwich thin with either some almond butter or a bit of deli meat on it.  A Ziploc of veggies and some humus also get tossed into my bag along with a few of my leftover cuties from christmas, but my supply is almost gone of those.  I found that one of the gentlemen we share the office with is actually doing a 90/10 split with his eating right now where he is eating 90% fruits and veggies which seems to make it REALLY easy for me to eat healthy.  I was concerned that it would be weird having a non-traditional work environment… because what I do, and how we do it is kinda non-traditional but it seems to be okay so far.

I haven’t been stress-eating so far.  I am still adjusting my sleep schedule, which makes me feel at times deprived from my friends, going to bed by 11pm. This means I am trying to be in the sheets by 10pm relaxing and just trying to be sure I am unwinding.  It is a process.  I am doing it though.

I really feel like this is a good things for me.  Today is Saturday, I am in a coffee shop, not for a workshop, having slept, feeling good, relaxed and not worried about work this afternoon. I think everything is going to be okay.

5 Year Plan

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Where are you going to be in five years?

I personally don’t know where I am going to be five minutes from now.  The idea of knowing where I will be in five years isn’t something that I think about a whole lot.  I mean, yes I have long-term goals.  Move into a slightly larger place, where my dining area consists of more than a tray on the bed.  Where I can have people over for game nights and laughter can fill my home until the wee hours of the morning.  I would love to see myself continue to he happy, and healthy and making smart choices in regards to what I eat and the activities that I engage in.

So how do I go about starting to plan for my future?  Well readers… I was at the local bookstore searching out a book to read and help me start my New Year right, with a challenge to myself and I found something unexpected.

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I didn’t go looking for this book. In fact I didn’t even know it existed!  I grabbed it off the recently reduced shelf and started flipping through the pages.  The book is broken up into 5 parts.  Emotional and Physical Health, Family and Relationships, Home and Community, Work and School, and Here I am Again, Building on my Own Experience Up Until Now.

It seems like a pretty awesome way to guide myself into looking at my future in a more concrete light.  It asks you for specifics, measurable and attainable goals. Plus, it is a hardcover book that you write in… that always makes me feel like a rebel!  ~dun dun breakin the law breakin the law dun dun~

So after only a few moments of deliberation I knew I needed to have this book and that it was meant for me.  Afterall part of this years #DoD was that I am writing in my 5-year journal.  One entry in my paper journal everyday, even if it isn’t anything particularly meaningful. Observations, quotes, thoughts, it all counts.  I looked at the shelf space where I had taken the book from and saw there was one copy remaining and decided that I wanted to share this book with someone else.

That is where you come in!  Do you have a 5 year plan?  Is it written down?  Are you interested in setting yourself up for success in the next 5 years?  I can’t guarantee that it will work for you, but we could do it together!  So I am giving you the chance to win my second copy of this book.

Here is the deal, Winner will be selected by random.org on 1/13 because I like the number 13! Several ways to enter, but you have to do the mandatory one to be entered at all. Winner will be contacted and have until 1/16 to respond or another winner will be chosen.

Mandatory Entry… I am taking a question directly from the book… Please answer in a comment below (and include contact information incase you win)

“If I were describing myself in the third person as a character in a novel, this is what I would say:”

Other ways to enter…

  • Tweet about my giveaway
  • Blog about my giveaway

Be sure to leave a separate comment on this post for each entry and make sure I can contact you!

Welcome to 2012

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Well hello there little blog, and my dear friends.  I sit here looking at the blinking cursor after a very long night at work.  The days draw longer as I near a new chapter in my life.  Or what I hope is a new chapter in my life.  As I enter 2012 I am setting forth a few mini goals.

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My goals are not so much resolutions as “Declarations of Dedication” More of the same things that I have been doing, only bigger and better.  Towards the end of 2011 I got lazy, I got off track.  I stopped tracking again, I slacked off at the gym.  The excuses started to pile up.  I felt like I had no one to be accountable to, which is a load of horse crap if I ever did know one.

The only real thing that I want to make sure that I change this year is that I want to make this year injury free.  I spend so much of my life in pain already dealing with my various funkadelic illnesses that I truly don’t need to keep adding problems to it!  I need to take the time to stretch before and after my workouts.  I need to take the proper vitamins and supplements for my body.

I also need to be more aware of my surroundings.  As I went into work this morning to finish up some paperwork that I postponed during my shift last night to avoid being on the roads at that ever popular bar closing time I found this…

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Now if you can’t tell that staircase is loaded with a nice layer of ice.  The parking lot was tons worse where the cars and trucks had been in and out of the lot during the night as the snow fell.  I didn’t think twice as I tried to go up the center of the stairs without the use of the railing.  Duh Kris!  Use the railing!  I searched for some salt, unsuccessfully!  I also almost went ass over teakettle on my own stoop going out to my car this morning as well.  I need to slow down and look around.

So as I step into 2012 I am going to take things one step at a time.  Look around me and make sure I am setting myself up for success.  I would like to be in the low 200′s by this time next year.  My finish line ideally is 199.  I am not under any delusions that it is going to be easy, because god knows that it has certainly not been easy up to this point.

I want to leave you with this thought though as so many people are taking today, or tomorrow to finally start their diets.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  You may fail 99 times, but you have to get up 100 to succeed.  Please don’t ever give up on what you want out of this life.  You only get one shot at living and you have the power to create yourself.  It starts with the first step.  Take those steps now!

Happy New Year Everyone!  Welcome to 2012

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First Steps of 2012