Here we go Again…

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So… here we are again, the blog sits quiet, Kris is not so healthy. It has been about six months since I started the Weight Watchers program and I have lost and gained the same 10 pounds. I followed their program the way it is intended to be followed, and I also followed the suggestion of the leaders/receptionists and lifetime members who have successfully kept the weight off and we have manipulated the numbers.
Truth it, it isn’t working for me. There is something else going on.
Aside from the fact that currently I feel lousy, pain in my leg and foot, falling, back pain, my guts were a mess around Easter. Pretty much anything that I ate was giving me horrible stomach and intestinal pain. It could be anything from bread to a salad to a piece of chicken and I would just feel horrible pain. Looking at my food log, which really helped this process along, we can see my diet had a lot of two things…. dairy and wheat. Well guess what… time for something to go. :/
a few days with no dairy and no wheat and I started feeling better. I started on 2 different probiotics and that helped I am sure. It was suggested probably 2 years ago that I try giving up wheat for my fibro, at that time I wasn’t ready to hear it. … Now having IBS issues in wake of what I am guessing was too much sugar, I am sure that it is something that needs to happen. *sad panda* So I am now learning to navigate the world of low carb once again.
Low carb is not something I thought I would ever go back to, I did Atkins for a while when I was with my Ex-husband. Lost some weight, but never got to the point where I felt healhy, but I was also not exercising, and it was a toxic relationship.
I know a lot more now about nutrition, and about how to properly fuel your body with the right chains of fatty acids and such. I am uncertain if the gluten is actually an issue with me, or if my guts were just on a sugar holiday, But I am starting to feel better. I can eat and not feel like I want to rip my intestines out from gas pains so that is awesome and I will take it!
So I guess my latest lesson is to trust my body, if it is yelling at me, I don’t need to yell back I need to shut up and listen then do something about it.

Hanging by a Thread

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I feel like my grip on things right now is like the tiny string glued onto my teabag.  Just barely hanging on there, it’s there but not really secure, you know it’s gonna stay there but who knows for how long.

I am feeling ill, every time I eat lately I am getting sick.  Gassy, bloated, pain, I don’t know if it is a gluten issue, I haven’t been told formally that it is an issue with me, but some of the inflammatory conditions I have are linked to gluten issues.  It could be all the sugar built up in my gut from the Peeps Fest I had over Easter.  Perhaps it is an ulcer, it could be 100 different things I guess.

I am thinking of putting down the weight loss books for a while and trying an elimination diet, one step at a time, maybe try a few weeks with no dairy, or no gluten.  I just feel like crap.  I have ZERO energy I am not sleeping well and it is truly taking a toll on my mental health.

I am starting to feel like the old me inside at least.  I had the most awesome time Friday night preparing a dinner for a group of people I love, and spending the weekend celebrating a birthday with my guy.  Sunday I cheered on some friends who rocked out their very first TRI! Yelling eh-hem I mean cheering them on was awesome, it was inspiring but made my heart hurt in a way because of the setbacks I am going through with my foot and back among other things.  Sharing laughter and cheer with them after was so fun.  I felt what I can only describe as LIFE while surrounded by my friends this weekend.  Not sitting on the sidelines, not watching others with envy, but feeling connected, feeling hope.

I want to get back to being fully immersed in life and I am getting there slowly.  Seeking balance has been difficult with this job, I feel like I withdrew from almost everything to take this job, and it wasn’t worth it.  I am finding the balance slowly, it takes time and practice.  I find myself wanting to cut the fat from my life, so to speak, and I think that helps.  Getting the crap out the stuff I don’t have time for and focusing on what means the most to me.  Family at its core built from blood and tears, laughter and love.  Those you choose to put in the circle those who build you up.  I need this in my life right now, I need to give what I have to those people.

Small town girl in the big city with dreams of Unicorns and Fluffy Puffy Cloud Bouncy Castles dreams big and lives bigger. –Me…Someday

Happy Weekend!

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Happy Weekend Friends! Just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone a Happy Weekend. Whether you are celebrating Easter, Passover, Spring, or Opening Day!! I just wanted to say Hi again and thanks to my friends. You see me through the best and the worst times. I have spent a lot of time over the last week looking through photos of the last few years and I don’t know where I would be without the light joy and laughter you have all brought into my life.
Thank you… Each and every one of you. <3

Pepperidge farm still remembers that you can numb your feelings with food

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So last night I was headed to bed, and I was watching a bit of TV and a commercial came on and something clicked inside of my head, proof that I am much more aware and awake about the subtext and subtle cues around me of food and it’s influence in our world.  You can view the commercial <a href=”http://ispot.tv/a/7IcC”>here</a&gt;, and I suggest that you do so you know what I am talking about.

For those of you that can’t view this commercial it is a husband and wife having a conversation getting ready to go out for the night.  The husband is prodding his wife along about not being quite ready to go yet.  She is half in frame with a glass talking about how she has to spend the night with the bosses wife.  Haha it is a big joke we are supposed to laugh at booze being used to lubricate her senses for the night.  skip forward just a bit and we come to find out she is medicateing herself not with a cocktail, (because alcohol is not the answer) but the more socially acceptable form of medication, FOOD!  Now I get it, it is just a commercial, but I actually literally cocked my head to the side and grabbed my bedside table and wrote down Pepperidge farm still remembers… that you can numb your feelings with food.

There is a stigma that ataches itself to an addiction to alcohol and drugs, but somehow the idea that food being used as therapy, and comfort, and hidden eating and being an addiction is somehow ignored and disordered eating being trivialized, joked about and ridiculed is really making me mad.  There is a Sonic commercial where the husband is hiding his eating from his wife, (I believe he is out to eat with his best friend and says Don’t tell my wife).  Is the obesity epidemic and poor nutrition habits of this country a joke to everyone?  Are the skyrocketing numbers of body image issues among not just girls but boys as well resulting in eating disorders not a big enough clue to anyone that this should not be a joke?

I think the fact that the moment i saw what was really going on in this commercial and my mind clicked over and felt it in my mind, and my gut I could tell that there was and is something deeper going on in my life.  I talked briefly in my last post about my cupcake issue.  And how I found a solution to that with making my own.  I don’t want to be swayed by fancy packaging or advertising.  Fruits and veggies are bright and vibrant, and will be coming into season, center isles are full of crap.  The tables have turned marketing professionals you need to change your game!

The answer is to turn off the tv right?  Turn off the tv and go to bed, or for a walk, or 100 other things.  I can only fight for what I know is right for me or my own family, but seriously I understand they are looking for some humor, but this hit a sour and bitter note with me.

What do you think?

To thine own self be true

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I was deeply touched over the weekend by a dear friend of mine, who said something very poignant to me. We spoke briefly about a number of topics, catching up in a rapid fire session that ended with a very heartfelt compliment that really touched me. Even though I have struggled with my weight loss and she is very aware of this, and has faced her own struggles, she told me that she admires the way that I honor my body in my choices to give it good food. I in general tend to order wholesome good for you food, and treat my body as a temple, not like a disposable, trashcan or amusement park as I once did.
For example this weekend I ordered Egg whites and a side of bacon, which I did not finish. I opt for a salad or fresh fruit instead of toast or taters, water instead of juice. I honor the hard work that I have done. I certainly would LOVE to indulge in biscuits and gravy, or a waffle with whipped cream, some kind of syrupy sauce, or even a Bloody Mary at this point I will take my treats in the form of planned indulgences.
I have been being taunted for the last, oh I dunno, 2 weeks by a Unicorn Poop cupcake from Nadia’s Bakery in Maple Grove, MN It is a once a year confection made from rainbow cake and it just looks too cute. However it is $5.00 and is a 30 minute drive for me to get! It is available once a year. You would think I would make a concession to allow myself this one confection, but I have become too focused on this cupcake. I have decided that this is not acceptable. No Unicorn Poop. Perhaps next year, but not this year.
Tonight after work I made myself some cupcakes after work, 1 box of yellow cake mix, 1 can of crushed pineapple, 1 egg white. mix together bake as the box suggests. Voilia! Cupcake goodness. Tomorrow I will grab cool-whip and coconut from the store and make them Pina Colada cupcakes but tonight they filled that need. Nothing fancy but I hope that this stops the obsession.
I am happy to honor my body with the right foods, I am happy to inspire others to order the right foods. I am happy to help guide others to better for you choices when we are out to eat, but I never force anyone to order something.
Lead by example. Live your best life. I am just one girl, what kind of difference could I make? Well I won’t know unless I try… and if I can make a difference in my own life, does it even matter?

Breaking free of the three’s

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So last week I weighed in at weight watchers and I about crapped myself. I was up four pounds! I was ready to kill myself. I took a step back and I realized okay Kris take a deep breath you are spiraling into that negative bad space again. Yes progress isn’t happening the way you wanted it to, but you have been fighting a lot of circumstances you cannot control.
What can you control? What do YOU think is not working for you. What is it that you like about Weight Watchers, what are you paying for, what is it that you need. Well I know that one of the things I need is the weekly accountability. I need someone else to weigh me in, having a scale at home that I can weigh in all the time on leads to bad things. I like the meetings, I am good at tracking. These are keys to Weight Watchers.
I sat down and looked at my food log, and saw something glaringly obvious. Not about last week, I was fairly confident that last week was mostly related to water weight, I am still eating too much food. These zero point foods are going to be the death of me. The fact that fruits and veggies are zero points, still fails me. They are good choices, I am capable of making those good choices. I in fact make those good choices, over and over again. I am making those choices too much.
This last week I have started a full scale nutrient tracking with Lose It! the way I lost the large chunk of my weight before. I plugged in my 1500 calorie target which is what I was using before when I got to 250. I discussed with Robb and he agrees with my current weight my target with WW is probably some where near 2000 calories a day, which for me is set too high. I have a slow metabolism and my body isn’t built to process calories as efficiently as others. So all week long I ate well, meaning I ate good foods, mostly. There was a pizza night after I had to take o. The responsibility at work of an inventory recount which entails a lot of squatting,kneeling and bending that puts my body into a flare if I don’t take the proper precautions. I overate one or two nights. Y a little bit. The nice part about nutrient tracking as opposed to just calorie tracking is I have the fat carbs and protein and I can just plug that info into my weight watchers app and see how many points I am eating. Mostly I was a bit under my target for the day, the days I was over I was not surprised. What makes this different? Well, this negated the idea of the zero point foods. I am under no assumption in eating the fruits and veggies that they are free, and I do not consume them as such, however I think with my body being as sensitive as it is to so many things they need to be accounted for and I perhaps just need that sense of control.
This week I weighed in and had lost the previous weeks FOUR pound gain plus some putting me back under 300 pounds. This is progress. Progress not perfection. I needed to see the two’s again. I saw them during the early stages of weight watchers, then all the stuff went wrong with my back and well, drugs, and no movement just leads to a fat unhappy person. I don’t want to be fat and unhappy, I want to be the old me.
I am coming back to the old me slowly. When I hurt too much to work out I still go to the gym, even if it is just to soak in the pool for a while. I figure if I am still there, it is better an not going at all. I will still move my arms and legs around a bit in the water right? I wish that there were some magic answer, a magic bullet, some pill or plan someone to tell me, do this the weight will come off and then just keep doing this, but it is slow. There is something to be said for working hard at what you want.
I am excited for spring to arrive, or warmer weather at least. I am inking it will be nice to be able to perhaps walk to Minnehaha Falls after work, or around the lake, without the fear of falling on ice. I am hopeful that perhaps I will start walking to the local co-op after work to grab an item or two then back to work before heading home for the day. So who knows!

Success Redefined

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How do you measure something that there is no clear definition of? Something that is not actually quantified by everyone the same way? How can one person simply define a word and it be the pinnacle and definitive answer for everyone. Simple, you can’t, I can’t.
Each and every single one of us must sit back and look at the big picture and look to see what we are trying to find success at. Are you successful can be such a loaded question, and lead down so many roads. It can lead you to a very positive or very negative place based upon where you are mentally and how you interpret the question.
In the health and wellness world how do you view success? When I started losing weight I was over 400 pounds. I know you have read it over and over again but it bears repeating because I will never forget it, I felt as though I was going to die. I was trapped inside a tomb that was my body. I had high blood pressure, dangerously high, I had high cholesterol, horrendous triglycerides and the thought of doing anything except driving around delivering packages in my car, and drinking red bull and Starbucks at all hours of the day and night was my reality.
I am still not at my goal weight, I got to about 250 and my life went through a shift. My personal life underwent an overhaul, my professional life went through a complete shift where I went from working nights and weekends to a 55+ hour a week shift that starts at about 3:45 every weekday morning. I regained in the neighborhood of 50 pounds and if I didn’t know better by most of the definitions that I can think of that would make me a failure.
WRONG! I make my own definitions of success, and I do not view this as a failure, because I am still trying. I am still actively choosing to pick the better choices for food. I choose to go to the gym instead of going to the coffee shop on Saturday mornings. I choose to push myself to be better I choose to get up and go.
I measure success not in the number on the scale, because a number while a unit of measure is not a measure of self worth, and is not a measure of what I have accomplished but in how I feel. I do not measure success in the size of my jeans, or in the number of friends I have or the number of miles I can run, which by the way is ZERO. I measure my success on the number of times I get up when I fall down.
I measure my success on how strong I can be, for myself and for my friends. I measure success in what I can give to others, and the strength I can share. This past weekend I participated in the #happy5k project. (Check them out on Facebook and Twitter!) I love this idea, it is a virtual 5k, and their motto is Have a Purpose, Push Yourself. I love this motto. As most of you know I am currently stuck in the pool for exercise (and if you followed twitter last nights dreadmill went horribly and I am back in the water until further notice) So I water walked my 5k.
I love that there are things like virtual 5k’s that I can participate in that allow me to have the sense of community with other athletes, that can give me the same rush and feeling of success that I had when I did the Prior Fat Pack 5k, or the Fathers Day 5k. I am hopeful that I will be back in action by the time the Color Run comes around in July, but since the treadmill killed me after 1.25 miles yesterday and I can barely walk due to heel issues from it today we shall play by ear.
I had a successful virtual 5k, I am part of something bigger. I love it!
So I will continue on babysteppin-waterwalkin my way thru one setback at a time as long as it takes.
I am a success story, I will forever be my own success story, I just have to decide how I want to end my success story… luckily there is still too much of the story to be written to worry about an ending.
Are you successful? Do you keep pushing yourself despite the odds to get where you want to be? How do you define your personal success?