This past Friday was a shining example to me of a life I never thought I would have.  After work I headed off to the store to scoop up things for a dinner party, but not a party at my house… not yet. We were celebrating change in the life of a woman dear to me.  A very close friend had just finished a grueling course schedule, along with a super demanding job, and is getting ready to move! Talk about a reason to party.  I loaded the car with all kinds of stuff, chicken, cake, tons of veggies, booze, flowers, and hit the road windows down!

I sang and danced in my car in traffic, yes I am THAT person.  I sang loudly, I laughed at the people getting angry as people did the zipper merge, I felt the sun on my skin through the open windows.  Life was good.  I pulled up to Manda’s place with the radio cranked up singing.  We laughed at the amount of stuff piled in my car… Kelly was there, she helped by steadying the shopping cart as we loaded it full of stuff… As I parked my car I smiled, this is my life.  Friends.  As we unloaded the stuff and I situated things around the place, I got a call wanting to know if I was still going to need help… friends… people who help when you are in need… My heart was heavy, one of my very best friends was too ill too attend.  I respect her need to be home, I was happy to have shared a chat on the phone with her earlier in the night.  I busied myself in the kitchen, everyone was hungry.  We were going to eat in stages on this night.  Diving into food it was so funny to watch everyone laugh and chat and come together as a group.

We are all so different, from all over the country really, some native to MN, some have been here since they were kids, brought here from the west coast others landed here from the east coast.  All different strengths and weaknesses, so different yet so much the same.  We all walk the same path, we all struggle, and lift one another up in our time of need.  This is family, friendship, love, and strength.  This is what community is about.  When they say it takes a village to raise a child… this is what they are speaking of.

I watched Sean dance with a young girl, Manda give horsey rides, and I watched newer friends meet older friends.  I did what fills me with so much fulfillment, and cooked with love for my family.  Served up with love!  I think it made Manda a bit uncomfortable that I was serving people but it is what I do!  Advice, discussions, silliness, and sincerity continued late into the night.  I hated to leave at the end of the night.

I was the last one to leave.  I lingered in the parking lot talking to Manda long after everyone left.  I didn’t want the night to end. There was a time when my weekend nights involved sitting home playing xbox live… those people were my friends.  They knew I laughed loudly, and flirted outrageously, and had a big personality… and a heart to match. They didn’t have to see me, I never had to see them… I was protected, I was safe.

I don’t have to live that way anymore, I shouldn’t have had to feel like that was the only way to live before.  I am so blessed to have so many freakin amazing people in my life right now, and I know I would never have found them without going through all of the crap that I did.  I am so thankful for each and every friend I have, I wish there was some way for me to show, or tell those in my life ow much they mean to me, but there isn’t. There are no words to tell those that you love, you changed my life, gave me hope and make me a better person to the degree that my friends have made me.

My friends are my family, and I would lay down my life for them.  I never thought I would find so many people that I could love like this, but I wouldn’t trade them in for all the money in the world.  This is who I am… I do not recognize myself, my heart is healing from the hurt and I am finding that I am okay with that.

I live 1000 miles from my mom, she is a very busy lady, we have never really been close same goes for my dad. We just aren’t a huggy/lovely touchy/feely family. Weeks come and go and we call, every Sunday I “Phone home.” It started as a ritual to ensure I wasn’t in a ditch somewhere, but I think that was more of an excuse my parents made up to get me to call because they missed me. I get it, I really do. I think now the calls are more for me than for them, or at least almost as much for me as them. Yes at times they are a chore, but I have somehow come to bond with my dad over the distance. My mom and I have come to a healing point over a lot of things over these phone calls. Usually I catch one or both of my parents at a bad time, my mom is perpetually busy, it’s okay I am used to that. However I have managed to pin down a few mornings, or evenings with just awesome moments where she just seems to have had an awakening about what my life has been like.
A few weeks ago she told me about her hairdressers daughter, whom I used to babysit for, she was my first client, well this particular one was the little sister, so errr second client? Anyway, she is out of high school, she went to school where I did and had similar issues with bullying, not for the same reasons, but you get it. She is now not going to college, she is doing other amazing artistic things with her life, states away from her family. My mom related bits and pieces of my story to the gentleman, and about how I never truly blossomed until I left, not home, not my town, but the state. She went on in the conversation with me about how proud she was of me for taking the leap of faith required to move across the country. She was proud of me… Why not tell me… Why have I been here since 2005 and I am just now finding out this… perhaps because you are just now realizing how strong I am.
Holidays are harder to be this far away. Yes holidays suck, I “screwed them up” perpetually, time with my family ALWAYS ends in a fight. I am too different and too strong willed to be with them for long periods of time. Still I miss my family’s traditions. I have family here, Robb’s family has made me one of theirs since my very first holiday with them… but it isn’t the same, how can it be. I send cards to my mom and dad for pretty much every holiday, dad says don’t waste your money, but it’s all I can do. I don’t have the resources to fly out there to see them, I don’t have the time off from work, nor the money. I have to pick and choose what I do with my time. This year I am choosing my vacation time be spent in Portland for FitBloggin’. I am regretting my choice, and at this point may blow off the conference and spend the time in Tillamook with my family there that I haven’t seen since I was 15. I need family, The closer I get to my adopted family here the more I realize how far I am from my family.
Here I sit sipping my coffee thinking about my mom, and the fact that I will never be able to have Starbucks and NOT think about her. I took her to Starbucks for the first time it was in New York City, we sat in the window and watched people pass by. We ate pizza walking in the street, and went to a show… but I couldn’t tell you what show… Stomp? Les Mis? I don’t remember… I remember the coffee… I remember sitting with her. We have matching tea pots that look like cats, so we can still do long distance tea, but we haven’t done that since I moved to MN.
Time is fleeting the memories I have are fuzzy, it scares me. So don’t wait till there is a holiday to call someone you love, don’t wait for a hoilday. Yes it is indeed Mothers Day weekend, but don’t wait till Sunday, celebrate those you love everyday.
When is Families Day? When is the day when we celebrate all that we have? When can we celebrate US? Do it before it is too late.

Wayne’s World wavy lines, fast forward…. by the end of high school I would drink a cup before school, take one with me, and continue to fill my coffee mug throughout the day from the faculty pot.  I was downing something like 17 cups a day.  Water… what does that mean I existed on coffee and caffeine free diet coke.  I was forced off coffee, or moreover caffeine when I had my nervous breakdown and went into treatment for my depression in the hospital.  Caffeine is a drug and I was abusing it.

I had a coffee pot next to my bed when I lived with my now ex husband, there was pretty much constantly coffee available I drank it he didn’t.  He was into Mountain Dew and Southern Comfort.  When I saw the bad habits and behavioral patterns emerging that reminded me of how I was back in high school I went off coffee again, cold turkey.

So now I am a real adult, not that I wasn’t when I was married, but seriously I was still a child, I was still too young.  I live in the big city, I know I LOVE coffee.  I have used coffee as a crutch since I moved here.  When I would stay up for 2 or 3 days at a time working nights and trying to have some kind of life, swapping shifts to make social events, I would drink coffee like no one should.  I enjoy the flavor, the subtle differences in different blends, I enjoy savoring a cup of coffee.

I was bringing a mug (5cup home-brewed pot) with me every day to work in the morning, when you get up at 3am to work a 10 hour shift, plus prep time for your shift, and then have someone who isn’t quite on time EVER that is your relief it turns into a 10.5 hour day 5 times a week, coffee seems like it should be a part of the day.  I recently decided, about the time I gave up gluten and my stomach was being so horrible, that perhaps that much coffee was not a good idea.  I have been cutting back my coffee consumption significantly.  No more caffeine, and also no coffee until I have had a liter of water in the morning.  It is supposed to be really good for your skin to have water first thing in the morning, Can’t hurt to start the day with water right?

Have I noticed a change in the no caffeine role in my life yet?  Well, truth is I still have had a bit of caffeine here and there.  There is a small pack of 7.5 ounce cans of coke zero in my work fridge for the simple reason that on occasion my headaches are bad enough that I need the caffeine to make the pills work better.  I want to not be dependent on the caffeine, and while I know a decaf Americano still has a small amount of caffeine in it, I am certain that it is significantly less than what the quad shot tall had.  I still plan on drinking coffee, but only in moderation, not every day.  Like I said I enjoy the flavor, and that is what I am going to focus on, enjoying the flavor of the coffee, sipping not gulping, swirling not chugging.

Is it realistic to think I will never have caffeine, absolutely not, I do not live in a world of absolutes.  I want to go long enough without a significant amount of it in my system that I can feel what kind of effect it has on my body.  So here I sit with my decaf Americano with heavy cream. YUM!

Now there is something to be said about staying close to the same weight for a long period of time after having regained a bunch of weight, however I am not happy with this.  I wrote, I believe last time, maybe the time before, about how I am switching to VERY low carb, and gluten-free eating.  I would love to continue my Weight Watchers membership to get the meetings and the weigh in’s (I prefer to weigh in on someone else’s scale that doesn’t move around as opposed to mine that gets tossed in the closet after I weigh) however almost $50.00 a month is not worth getting on the scale 4 times.  I will miss seeing the excitement and progress others are making on their journeys, and I haven’t told anyone goodbye or why I am leaving.  I know my leader will be sad to see me go, but it isn’t working for me.

That after all is what this whole process is about. Finding what works for you, not what works for everyone else.  I can’t sit here and say, oh such and such worked for Emma and blah blah worked for Joe, because when it comes to these things, I am not them I am myself.  I have never been one to follow the crowd, actually that is something I pride myself on.  I may have my f2fpack, but I never run with the pack.  I follow my own drum and listen to what my body tells me is right.  I did far too much damage to my body when I was young by not eating enough thinking that was the only way.  Now with the wealth of knowledge available to me I know there are hundreds of ways to do things and I need to find what works for me.

I do know that tracking is the answer, however I think that tracking calories isn’t my answer. That led to a very dangerous world for me.  I know that when I track calories I become so hyper-focused on tracking every crumb and every morsel that it becomes a sickness.  I start to lose my grip on reality after a while.  It didn’t happen luckily when I was tracking points as much, but it was still there.  I think somewhere in my mind I just want so badly to succeed that I cannot let anything go.

I know that it takes time to get where I am going, and like everything worth doing it is worth doing well, and the right way.  So I bump along, wondering how anyone ever loses weight working full-time (50 hours a week minimum), squeezing in working out, and trying to maintain a relationship with loved ones, and friends.  It truly is no wonder I feel like I can’t ever catch up sometimes.

I find my center as I close my eyes, my bedtime is my time.  It is the commitment I make to myself.  It is the way I show myself respect, to let myself have rest.  When someone asks me how much sleep I got the night before I like to be able to answer 7 or 8 hours. I could take time from that to keep up with everyone else… but it is not worth the expense. I am doing what I need to do for me… and in the end, no one else can do this for me, or do it like me.

And there I was in my head first grade as if I were truly there… over weight, hot and sweaty and I could feel the panic, and the teasing.  I could remember the bullying that went on, even in first grade.  After recess we would all line up at the water fountain in the back of the class, and one person would hold the fountain for a count of 5 *something* (ex Mississippi’s).  I pushed my eyes closed sipped the water from the fountain until my thirst was clenched, pushing the memory away then went to sit on the bench.  I signed deeply and decided I needed to think about the memory that was there.

Since I have so few memories, and I have been told time and again that I have “no good stories” I figure I need to explore these things as they come,  Putting the puzzle together as it were.  I sat for a few minutes, which actually seemed like it was longer.  I thought back to the line for the water fountain.  I thought about how when it was my turn to hold the fountain down for everyone I always picked a long word, like spelling out Mississippi.  I would make sure everyone got a long 5 count of the word and I let everyone have the same amount of time to drink.  I thought about how I tried my best to be fair to everyone, then I thought about my anger towards the girl in first grade who stole my My Little Ponies and claimed they were hers, I had to have my mom come to school and then we had to go to her house to get most of them back.  I never did get them all back.  I though about how when almost everyone else held the water fountain they would favor their friends and give them super long drinks of water then would count to 5 as fast as they could for mine.

I took a deep breath and I tried to let go.  Kids can be cruel, I was from a small town.  I left that place behind as soon as I had the ability.  I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to end up like them.  I have a kind heart, I have a giving nature, something to be nurtured and developed, to be shared.

I talk to my parents for a few minutes each weekend and every few months my mom comes to the realization that I had a horrible childhood.  She has come to see now just how bullied I was.    My parents did the best they could, even when I told them that I was miserable and that things were bad they didn’t hear what I was saying.  They get it now . It means a lot to me that they can understand it now, that there is a face on the world of bullying, and that they can see how much hate there was inside of me for where I was.

I am working towards peace in my heart for the time I spent in that prison of punishment and torture called public school in my youth.  Each time I get one of these flashes I feel like I heal a tiny bit, like I am able to let a little bit go.  I know I will never get an apology from the people that made my life miserable growing up, because they still act the same way. It is the way things are there sadly.  If you are different it is a bad thing, whether it is because you are too fat, or have glasses, or are black, or have less money than someone else, whatever makes you different makes you less of a person.  To me whatever makes you different makes you who you are.  It is important to be yourself and it is important to follow your own path and not compare yourself to others.

I don’t know why I am sharing this with yall, but I guess I figure maybe  you can see how I landed where I am today, and how I have ended up with the tools I have, and the reason I am the way I am.  *shrugs* Have a good Tuesday friends!

Is it better to throw this stuff out, or give it away? I sent some of my Weight Watchers products to new homes already.  Friends that I know like the products, but won’t likely over indulge in them.  I have some bars left in my car back in the trunk where I can’t just grab one peel it and shove it into my mouth without thinking about the consequences.

I bring bags of my stuff to the office, spread them out on the snack table and watch and people snatch things from it like it were a magical wonderland! Skittles, Special K Crackers, granola things, reduced fat peanut butter, cookies, all dumped there sitting there like a treasure trove.  All the things that I adore, all the things that I like because they came from my home.

The torture only lasts about a day or so per bag, In general free food won’t last long in my office.  I purged the pantry of the jar of biscoff cookie spread today… it is still sitting on the table… no one knows what to do with it… if noone eats it or takes it by tomorrow I will throw it away.  Am I doing the wrong thing by bringing these things to my office?  I can’t donate open packages to a food shelf so my other option really is to just throw them out.

I feel like I am feeding/enabling people to binge on food by bringing all of this stuff to the office.  I know there is one gentleman who works for us who can use the food, and always asks if it is okay for him to take an extra one for later.  He knows where all the free meals in the city are, he has had a hard life.  I feel for him, he is why I bring the food here… but I wonder if on some level I am not trying to make everyone else fat?  I know that isn’t my intention… but could it be??

I guess in the end I know I am doing what is best for me, and that is something I keep doing.  I am not going to force anyone to eat the snacks on the table, and I am content to toss them in the dumpster at the end of the day.  I am slowly setting up my home environment for success as things change.  Next step is to finish setting my work environment up.  I dug out my extra Brita pitcher, that will be coming here to work this week.  I don’t like the taste of city tap water, and my Bobble Bottle is great, but once it’s empty I have no cold water left.

I guess the phrase adapt or die comes to mind when I think about where I am on my path right now.  I certainly don’t want to go back to feeling like I did when I was 430 pounds, and I certainly know I don’t want to feel like crap.  So we put our heads down and push through and find the upside.  Bacon and dippy eggs for breakfast with a side of asparagus? Sounds like a silver lining to me!

Now I just have to finish the cabinet purge, get the community snack table cleared and I will be in the clear

I am feeling ill, every time I eat lately I am getting sick.  Gassy, bloated, pain, I don’t know if it is a gluten issue, I haven’t been told formally that it is an issue with me, but some of the inflammatory conditions I have are linked to gluten issues.  It could be all the sugar built up in my gut from the Peeps Fest I had over Easter.  Perhaps it is an ulcer, it could be 100 different things I guess.

I am thinking of putting down the weight loss books for a while and trying an elimination diet, one step at a time, maybe try a few weeks with no dairy, or no gluten.  I just feel like crap.  I have ZERO energy I am not sleeping well and it is truly taking a toll on my mental health.

I am starting to feel like the old me inside at least.  I had the most awesome time Friday night preparing a dinner for a group of people I love, and spending the weekend celebrating a birthday with my guy.  Sunday I cheered on some friends who rocked out their very first TRI! Yelling eh-hem I mean cheering them on was awesome, it was inspiring but made my heart hurt in a way because of the setbacks I am going through with my foot and back among other things.  Sharing laughter and cheer with them after was so fun.  I felt what I can only describe as LIFE while surrounded by my friends this weekend.  Not sitting on the sidelines, not watching others with envy, but feeling connected, feeling hope.

I want to get back to being fully immersed in life and I am getting there slowly.  Seeking balance has been difficult with this job, I feel like I withdrew from almost everything to take this job, and it wasn’t worth it.  I am finding the balance slowly, it takes time and practice.  I find myself wanting to cut the fat from my life, so to speak, and I think that helps.  Getting the crap out the stuff I don’t have time for and focusing on what means the most to me.  Family at its core built from blood and tears, laughter and love.  Those you choose to put in the circle those who build you up.  I need this in my life right now, I need to give what I have to those people.

Small town girl in the big city with dreams of Unicorns and Fluffy Puffy Cloud Bouncy Castles dreams big and lives bigger. –Me…Someday

Happy Weekend Friends! Just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone a Happy Weekend. Whether you are celebrating Easter, Passover, Spring, or Opening Day!! I just wanted to say Hi again and thanks to my friends. You see me through the best and the worst times. I have spent a lot of time over the last week looking through photos of the last few years and I don’t know where I would be without the light joy and laughter you have all brought into my life.
Thank you… Each and every one of you. <3