Category Archives: Kris’s Posts

Congrats! You’re Fat!

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So yesterday I went to a sports medicine clinic at the University of Minnesota and had quite possibly one of the single most unpleasant experiences of my life. I was perfectly pleased as punch to find out they had Saturday hours, for someone that works the kind of hours in a high stress job this is amazing! I can’t leave work to go to an appointment in the middle of the day without it causing havoc. I arrived early as instructed. my 0915 appointment, I arrived at 0855, they said 15-20 minutes early. I sat around filling out my medical history, for which there are never enough lines, I filled out my medicine list, including dosage and time of day taken, because I can recite that from memory. I know these things, they are ingrained in me, living with illness this is why I am. Invisible illness, visibly medicated.
I waited till about 0940 before I was roomed, no biggie, it was Saturday. The guy who roomed me at the clinic was nice enough, promised me a sticker when I was done… because I spotted them on the counter and said I wanted one (which I didn’t get!) We went over the list of my meds which was already in the system since this is a place affiliated with all of my other stuff… no biggie. Yes It’s all right I was just at my PCP a few days before. I changed into my shorts between him leaving and Dr. Joseph P. Garry MD coming in. I have been through enough of these ortho visits to know that jeans are not what you wear to get an exam done unless you want to wear a gown.
Dr Garry came in, said hello sat down on his stool and started to read my chart. He was unfriendly, asked very few questions of me. I felt ignored. As he read through my chart, and the paperwork I had to fill out he seemed to almost be skeptical of my ehlers-danlos diagnosis, asking who did it and seened puzzled as to why it was so late in my life that I was diagnosed, and why I was diagnosed at the childrens hospital in MN. I tried to provide info and he seemed to be in his own world. I thought perhaps he was onto something… I thought wrong.
I hopped up on the table, he looked at my foot, pressed on the heel where the pain is, ignored the swelling in my leg, said yep that is. PF, of course it hurts, (i swear he rolled his eyes!) I’ve apparently never been cured of it and now need formal PT instead of the at home work we did when it got better. Thats all good, but what about the swelling in my leg, yes thats from that… uhh ok.
He then pressed on all the spots on my back, tender spots for fibro, tender spots for other reasons, I mentioned the widows hump that I have, he ignored that saying it was because I was overweight. He sat back at his computer, pulled up an abdominal ct I had dome in 2010(!!!) said my spine looked fine despite some mild scoliosis (which even I didn’t know about! add this to the list of stuff I found out in the last week about that ct, apparently I had tiny kidney stones too). He never asked me more details about my job. Yes I work as a dispatcher, but my duties include pulling parts in a warehouse, and carrying fucking heavy ass boxes, totes and on occasion bodies! He said all of my back problems are soft tissue and the only option I have is to lose weight. Seriously that is my treatment plan? His suggestion, gastric bypass ASAP. Also, get off of the Topamax, and my other fibro meds and start lyrica, which has HUGE weight gain side effects. He told me Topa has huge weight gain side effects as well. He said that it is my weight that is causing these problems.
I guess I want to know why I didn’t hurt like this at 400+ pounds. I want to know why I didn’t get any new films ordered it has been 3 years since those were taken, I’ve been in a car accident since then, and I was a full on delivery driver during that time. Shit changes. This guy, in my opinion failed to look at the big picture that there is a potential problem.
How about a suggestion of a breast reduction to take some of the pain off of my neck/upper back? The 40H/HH that I am carrying around simply can’t be lost with weight loss… since I lost weight they got bigger I went from a DDD to a bigger size…
I left feeling very defeated, I didn’t cry till I got to the car. I regrouped sent my closest friends a text and let them know that it was a waste of my time. It truly was, I hate that nothing really truly came from this except more determination that there are too many fat-phobic doctors out there.
Treat the whole fucking person… there has to be something out there that can be dome to relieve the pain, My PCP and I are going to look into acupuncture while the idea of WLS is now weighing heavily in the back of my mind.
Is that what it is going to take to get them to start treating me like a whole person? I may just go to such lengths at this point because I am just tired of fighting.
What more is there that a person can do?

Long Distance Sucks.

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So I find myself thinking a lot about my mom the last few days. She is finally starting to take her health seriously, and I like to think I can be a small part of why. Lead by example because you never know who is watching, it could be a child, or it could be someone you never expected.

I live 1000 miles from my mom, she is a very busy lady, we have never really been close same goes for my dad. We just aren’t a huggy/lovely touchy/feely family. Weeks come and go and we call, every Sunday I “Phone home.” It started as a ritual to ensure I wasn’t in a ditch somewhere, but I think that was more of an excuse my parents made up to get me to call because they missed me. I get it, I really do. I think now the calls are more for me than for them, or at least almost as much for me as them. Yes at times they are a chore, but I have somehow come to bond with my dad over the distance. My mom and I have come to a healing point over a lot of things over these phone calls. Usually I catch one or both of my parents at a bad time, my mom is perpetually busy, it’s okay I am used to that. However I have managed to pin down a few mornings, or evenings with just awesome moments where she just seems to have had an awakening about what my life has been like.
A few weeks ago she told me about her hairdressers daughter, whom I used to babysit for, she was my first client, well this particular one was the little sister, so errr second client? Anyway, she is out of high school, she went to school where I did and had similar issues with bullying, not for the same reasons, but you get it. She is now not going to college, she is doing other amazing artistic things with her life, states away from her family. My mom related bits and pieces of my story to the gentleman, and about how I never truly blossomed until I left, not home, not my town, but the state. She went on in the conversation with me about how proud she was of me for taking the leap of faith required to move across the country. She was proud of me… Why not tell me… Why have I been here since 2005 and I am just now finding out this… perhaps because you are just now realizing how strong I am.
Holidays are harder to be this far away. Yes holidays suck, I “screwed them up” perpetually, time with my family ALWAYS ends in a fight. I am too different and too strong willed to be with them for long periods of time. Still I miss my family’s traditions. I have family here, Robb’s family has made me one of theirs since my very first holiday with them… but it isn’t the same, how can it be. I send cards to my mom and dad for pretty much every holiday, dad says don’t waste your money, but it’s all I can do. I don’t have the resources to fly out there to see them, I don’t have the time off from work, nor the money. I have to pick and choose what I do with my time. This year I am choosing my vacation time be spent in Portland for FitBloggin’. I am regretting my choice, and at this point may blow off the conference and spend the time in Tillamook with my family there that I haven’t seen since I was 15. I need family, The closer I get to my adopted family here the more I realize how far I am from my family.
Here I sit sipping my coffee thinking about my mom, and the fact that I will never be able to have Starbucks and NOT think about her. I took her to Starbucks for the first time it was in New York City, we sat in the window and watched people pass by. We ate pizza walking in the street, and went to a show… but I couldn’t tell you what show… Stomp? Les Mis? I don’t remember… I remember the coffee… I remember sitting with her. We have matching tea pots that look like cats, so we can still do long distance tea, but we haven’t done that since I moved to MN.
Time is fleeting the memories I have are fuzzy, it scares me. So don’t wait till there is a holiday to call someone you love, don’t wait for a hoilday. Yes it is indeed Mothers Day weekend, but don’t wait till Sunday, celebrate those you love everyday.
When is Families Day? When is the day when we celebrate all that we have? When can we celebrate US? Do it before it is too late.

Running on Decaf…

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Hop in the time machine with me! Let’s navigate back again all the way to second grade and lets watch for a moment.  There I sit at the kitchen table, grumpy and groggy, sad, not wanting to go to school.  This is the year I cut my hair at school, lied about it, got into trouble for it.  I refuse to eat breakfast and it is the morning of the CTBS test, this is the standardized testing for the state.  This is the morning I get a small Peter Rabbit mug full of the blood of life, coffee.

Wayne’s World wavy lines, fast forward…. by the end of high school I would drink a cup before school, take one with me, and continue to fill my coffee mug throughout the day from the faculty pot.  I was downing something like 17 cups a day.  Water… what does that mean I existed on coffee and caffeine free diet coke.  I was forced off coffee, or moreover caffeine when I had my nervous breakdown and went into treatment for my depression in the hospital.  Caffeine is a drug and I was abusing it.

I had a coffee pot next to my bed when I lived with my now ex husband, there was pretty much constantly coffee available I drank it he didn’t.  He was into Mountain Dew and Southern Comfort.  When I saw the bad habits and behavioral patterns emerging that reminded me of how I was back in high school I went off coffee again, cold turkey.

So now I am a real adult, not that I wasn’t when I was married, but seriously I was still a child, I was still too young.  I live in the big city, I know I LOVE coffee.  I have used coffee as a crutch since I moved here.  When I would stay up for 2 or 3 days at a time working nights and trying to have some kind of life, swapping shifts to make social events, I would drink coffee like no one should.  I enjoy the flavor, the subtle differences in different blends, I enjoy savoring a cup of coffee.

Coffee cupI was bringing a mug (5cup home-brewed pot) with me every day to work in the morning, when you get up at 3am to work a 10 hour shift, plus prep time for your shift, and then have someone who isn’t quite on time EVER that is your relief it turns into a 10.5 hour day 5 times a week, coffee seems like it should be a part of the day.  I recently decided, about the time I gave up gluten and my stomach was being so horrible, that perhaps that much coffee was not a good idea.  I have been cutting back my coffee consumption significantly.  No more caffeine, and also no coffee until I have had a liter of water in the morning.  It is supposed to be really good for your skin to have water first thing in the morning, Can’t hurt to start the day with water right?

Have I noticed a change in the no caffeine role in my life yet?  Well, truth is I still have had a bit of caffeine here and there.  There is a small pack of 7.5 ounce cans of coke zero in my work fridge for the simple reason that on occasion my headaches are bad enough that I need the caffeine to make the pills work better.  I want to not be dependent on the caffeine, and while I know a decaf Americano still has a small amount of caffeine in it, I am certain that it is significantly less than what the quad shot tall had.  I still plan on drinking coffee, but only in moderation, not every day.  Like I said I enjoy the flavor, and that is what I am going to focus on, enjoying the flavor of the coffee, sipping not gulping, swirling not chugging.

Is it realistic to think I will never have caffeine, absolutely not, I do not live in a world of absolutes.  I want to go long enough without a significant amount of it in my system that I can feel what kind of effect it has on my body.  So here I sit with my decaf Americano with heavy cream. YUM!

Quitting Weight Watchers

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So since July I have been doing Weight Watchers.  I have done as I promised myself, I gave into the plan.  I followed the weird math, I did the plan as it was intended.  I didn’t use my weekly points, I used my weekly points.  I used all, I used some, I worked out a lot, I worked out a little.  I ate my target daily points, I ate less than my target points and here I sit, fluxing the same 15 lbs up and down.

Now there is something to be said about staying close to the same weight for a long period of time after having regained a bunch of weight, however I am not happy with this.  I wrote, I believe last time, maybe the time before, about how I am switching to VERY low carb, and gluten-free eating.  I would love to continue my Weight Watchers membership to get the meetings and the weigh in’s (I prefer to weigh in on someone else’s scale that doesn’t move around as opposed to mine that gets tossed in the closet after I weigh) however almost $50.00 a month is not worth getting on the scale 4 times.  I will miss seeing the excitement and progress others are making on their journeys, and I haven’t told anyone goodbye or why I am leaving.  I know my leader will be sad to see me go, but it isn’t working for me.

That after all is what this whole process is about. Finding what works for you, not what works for everyone else.  I can’t sit here and say, oh such and such worked for Emma and blah blah worked for Joe, because when it comes to these things, I am not them I am myself.  I have never been one to follow the crowd, actually that is something I pride myself on.  I may have my f2fpack, but I never run with the pack.  I follow my own drum and listen to what my body tells me is right.  I did far too much damage to my body when I was young by not eating enough thinking that was the only way.  Now with the wealth of knowledge available to me I know there are hundreds of ways to do things and I need to find what works for me.

I do know that tracking is the answer, however I think that tracking calories isn’t my answer. That led to a very dangerous world for me.  I know that when I track calories I become so hyper-focused on tracking every crumb and every morsel that it becomes a sickness.  I start to lose my grip on reality after a while.  It didn’t happen luckily when I was tracking points as much, but it was still there.  I think somewhere in my mind I just want so badly to succeed that I cannot let anything go.

I know that it takes time to get where I am going, and like everything worth doing it is worth doing well, and the right way.  So I bump along, wondering how anyone ever loses weight working full-time (50 hours a week minimum), squeezing in working out, and trying to maintain a relationship with loved ones, and friends.  It truly is no wonder I feel like I can’t ever catch up sometimes.

I find my center as I close my eyes, my bedtime is my time.  It is the commitment I make to myself.  It is the way I show myself respect, to let myself have rest.  When someone asks me how much sleep I got the night before I like to be able to answer 7 or 8 hours. I could take time from that to keep up with everyone else… but it is not worth the expense. I am doing what I need to do for me… and in the end, no one else can do this for me, or do it like me.

Flash Point

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So the memories of my past continue to trickle into my consciousness as the weight comes off, well okay at this point on and off.  Sunday I was at the YMCA,  I had just completed 28 laps (or more, it is hard to keep track when you are just doing random strokes) in the pool without stopping, I hopped thru the shower into the sauna for a 5, to stretch out the stiffness that was starting in my shoulders, then grabbed a drink at the water fountain. …

And there I was in my head first grade as if I were truly there… over weight, hot and sweaty and I could feel the panic, and the teasing.  I could remember the bullying that went on, even in first grade.  After recess we would all line up at the water fountain in the back of the class, and one person would hold the fountain for a count of 5 *something* (ex Mississippi’s).  I pushed my eyes closed sipped the water from the fountain until my thirst was clenched, pushing the memory away then went to sit on the bench.  I signed deeply and decided I needed to think about the memory that was there.

Since I have so few memories, and I have been told time and again that I have “no good stories” I figure I need to explore these things as they come,  Putting the puzzle together as it were.  I sat for a few minutes, which actually seemed like it was longer.  I thought back to the line for the water fountain.  I thought about how when it was my turn to hold the fountain down for everyone I always picked a long word, like spelling out Mississippi.  I would make sure everyone got a long 5 count of the word and I let everyone have the same amount of time to drink.  I thought about how I tried my best to be fair to everyone, then I thought about my anger towards the girl in first grade who stole my My Little Ponies and claimed they were hers, I had to have my mom come to school and then we had to go to her house to get most of them back.  I never did get them all back.  I though about how when almost everyone else held the water fountain they would favor their friends and give them super long drinks of water then would count to 5 as fast as they could for mine.

I took a deep breath and I tried to let go.  Kids can be cruel, I was from a small town.  I left that place behind as soon as I had the ability.  I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to end up like them.  I have a kind heart, I have a giving nature, something to be nurtured and developed, to be shared.

I talk to my parents for a few minutes each weekend and every few months my mom comes to the realization that I had a horrible childhood.  She has come to see now just how bullied I was.    My parents did the best they could, even when I told them that I was miserable and that things were bad they didn’t hear what I was saying.  They get it now . It means a lot to me that they can understand it now, that there is a face on the world of bullying, and that they can see how much hate there was inside of me for where I was.

I am working towards peace in my heart for the time I spent in that prison of punishment and torture called public school in my youth.  Each time I get one of these flashes I feel like I heal a tiny bit, like I am able to let a little bit go.  I know I will never get an apology from the people that made my life miserable growing up, because they still act the same way. It is the way things are there sadly.  If you are different it is a bad thing, whether it is because you are too fat, or have glasses, or are black, or have less money than someone else, whatever makes you different makes you less of a person.  To me whatever makes you different makes you who you are.  It is important to be yourself and it is important to follow your own path and not compare yourself to others.

I don’t know why I am sharing this with yall, but I guess I figure maybe  you can see how I landed where I am today, and how I have ended up with the tools I have, and the reason I am the way I am.  *shrugs* Have a good Tuesday friends!

Cleaning House

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So in getting myself set up for success I am slowly cleaning all the crap out of my pantry.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I am better for listening to my body.  Fighting the transition is silly, embracing the change is the only logical and rational thing to do.  As I dump boxes of Fiber One bars into a Target bag, and throw 100 calorie packs, and 2-point weight watchers bars into bags to give away I am faced with a dilemma.

Is it better to throw this stuff out, or give it away? I sent some of my Weight Watchers products to new homes already.  Friends that I know like the products, but won’t likely over indulge in them.  I have some bars left in my car back in the trunk where I can’t just grab one peel it and shove it into my mouth without thinking about the consequences.

I bring bags of my stuff to the office, spread them out on the snack table and watch and people snatch things from it like it were a magical wonderland! Skittles, Special K Crackers, granola things, reduced fat peanut butter, cookies, all dumped there sitting there like a treasure trove.  All the things that I adore, all the things that I like because they came from my home.

The torture only lasts about a day or so per bag, In general free food won’t last long in my office.  I purged the pantry of the jar of biscoff cookie spread today… it is still sitting on the table… no one knows what to do with it… if noone eats it or takes it by tomorrow I will throw it away.  Am I doing the wrong thing by bringing these things to my office?  I can’t donate open packages to a food shelf so my other option really is to just throw them out.

I feel like I am feeding/enabling people to binge on food by bringing all of this stuff to the office.  I know there is one gentleman who works for us who can use the food, and always asks if it is okay for him to take an extra one for later.  He knows where all the free meals in the city are, he has had a hard life.  I feel for him, he is why I bring the food here… but I wonder if on some level I am not trying to make everyone else fat?  I know that isn’t my intention… but could it be??

I guess in the end I know I am doing what is best for me, and that is something I keep doing.  I am not going to force anyone to eat the snacks on the table, and I am content to toss them in the dumpster at the end of the day.  I am slowly setting up my home environment for success as things change.  Next step is to finish setting my work environment up.  I dug out my extra Brita pitcher, that will be coming here to work this week.  I don’t like the taste of city tap water, and my Bobble Bottle is great, but once it’s empty I have no cold water left.

I guess the phrase adapt or die comes to mind when I think about where I am on my path right now.  I certainly don’t want to go back to feeling like I did when I was 430 pounds, and I certainly know I don’t want to feel like crap.  So we put our heads down and push through and find the upside.  Bacon and dippy eggs for breakfast with a side of asparagus? Sounds like a silver lining to me!

Now I just have to finish the cabinet purge, get the community snack table cleared and I will be in the clear :D

Here we go Again…

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So… here we are again, the blog sits quiet, Kris is not so healthy. It has been about six months since I started the Weight Watchers program and I have lost and gained the same 10 pounds. I followed their program the way it is intended to be followed, and I also followed the suggestion of the leaders/receptionists and lifetime members who have successfully kept the weight off and we have manipulated the numbers.
Truth it, it isn’t working for me. There is something else going on.
Aside from the fact that currently I feel lousy, pain in my leg and foot, falling, back pain, my guts were a mess around Easter. Pretty much anything that I ate was giving me horrible stomach and intestinal pain. It could be anything from bread to a salad to a piece of chicken and I would just feel horrible pain. Looking at my food log, which really helped this process along, we can see my diet had a lot of two things…. dairy and wheat. Well guess what… time for something to go. :/
a few days with no dairy and no wheat and I started feeling better. I started on 2 different probiotics and that helped I am sure. It was suggested probably 2 years ago that I try giving up wheat for my fibro, at that time I wasn’t ready to hear it. … Now having IBS issues in wake of what I am guessing was too much sugar, I am sure that it is something that needs to happen. *sad panda* So I am now learning to navigate the world of low carb once again.
Low carb is not something I thought I would ever go back to, I did Atkins for a while when I was with my Ex-husband. Lost some weight, but never got to the point where I felt healhy, but I was also not exercising, and it was a toxic relationship.
I know a lot more now about nutrition, and about how to properly fuel your body with the right chains of fatty acids and such. I am uncertain if the gluten is actually an issue with me, or if my guts were just on a sugar holiday, But I am starting to feel better. I can eat and not feel like I want to rip my intestines out from gas pains so that is awesome and I will take it!
So I guess my latest lesson is to trust my body, if it is yelling at me, I don’t need to yell back I need to shut up and listen then do something about it.

Hanging by a Thread

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I feel like my grip on things right now is like the tiny string glued onto my teabag.  Just barely hanging on there, it’s there but not really secure, you know it’s gonna stay there but who knows for how long.

I am feeling ill, every time I eat lately I am getting sick.  Gassy, bloated, pain, I don’t know if it is a gluten issue, I haven’t been told formally that it is an issue with me, but some of the inflammatory conditions I have are linked to gluten issues.  It could be all the sugar built up in my gut from the Peeps Fest I had over Easter.  Perhaps it is an ulcer, it could be 100 different things I guess.

I am thinking of putting down the weight loss books for a while and trying an elimination diet, one step at a time, maybe try a few weeks with no dairy, or no gluten.  I just feel like crap.  I have ZERO energy I am not sleeping well and it is truly taking a toll on my mental health.

I am starting to feel like the old me inside at least.  I had the most awesome time Friday night preparing a dinner for a group of people I love, and spending the weekend celebrating a birthday with my guy.  Sunday I cheered on some friends who rocked out their very first TRI! Yelling eh-hem I mean cheering them on was awesome, it was inspiring but made my heart hurt in a way because of the setbacks I am going through with my foot and back among other things.  Sharing laughter and cheer with them after was so fun.  I felt what I can only describe as LIFE while surrounded by my friends this weekend.  Not sitting on the sidelines, not watching others with envy, but feeling connected, feeling hope.

I want to get back to being fully immersed in life and I am getting there slowly.  Seeking balance has been difficult with this job, I feel like I withdrew from almost everything to take this job, and it wasn’t worth it.  I am finding the balance slowly, it takes time and practice.  I find myself wanting to cut the fat from my life, so to speak, and I think that helps.  Getting the crap out the stuff I don’t have time for and focusing on what means the most to me.  Family at its core built from blood and tears, laughter and love.  Those you choose to put in the circle those who build you up.  I need this in my life right now, I need to give what I have to those people.

Small town girl in the big city with dreams of Unicorns and Fluffy Puffy Cloud Bouncy Castles dreams big and lives bigger. –Me…Someday

Happy Weekend!

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Happy Weekend Friends! Just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone a Happy Weekend. Whether you are celebrating Easter, Passover, Spring, or Opening Day!! I just wanted to say Hi again and thanks to my friends. You see me through the best and the worst times. I have spent a lot of time over the last week looking through photos of the last few years and I don’t know where I would be without the light joy and laughter you have all brought into my life.
Thank you… Each and every one of you. <3

Pepperidge farm still remembers that you can numb your feelings with food

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So last night I was headed to bed, and I was watching a bit of TV and a commercial came on and something clicked inside of my head, proof that I am much more aware and awake about the subtext and subtle cues around me of food and it’s influence in our world.  You can view the commercial <a href=”http://ispot.tv/a/7IcC”>here</a&gt;, and I suggest that you do so you know what I am talking about.

For those of you that can’t view this commercial it is a husband and wife having a conversation getting ready to go out for the night.  The husband is prodding his wife along about not being quite ready to go yet.  She is half in frame with a glass talking about how she has to spend the night with the bosses wife.  Haha it is a big joke we are supposed to laugh at booze being used to lubricate her senses for the night.  skip forward just a bit and we come to find out she is medicateing herself not with a cocktail, (because alcohol is not the answer) but the more socially acceptable form of medication, FOOD!  Now I get it, it is just a commercial, but I actually literally cocked my head to the side and grabbed my bedside table and wrote down Pepperidge farm still remembers… that you can numb your feelings with food.

There is a stigma that ataches itself to an addiction to alcohol and drugs, but somehow the idea that food being used as therapy, and comfort, and hidden eating and being an addiction is somehow ignored and disordered eating being trivialized, joked about and ridiculed is really making me mad.  There is a Sonic commercial where the husband is hiding his eating from his wife, (I believe he is out to eat with his best friend and says Don’t tell my wife).  Is the obesity epidemic and poor nutrition habits of this country a joke to everyone?  Are the skyrocketing numbers of body image issues among not just girls but boys as well resulting in eating disorders not a big enough clue to anyone that this should not be a joke?

I think the fact that the moment i saw what was really going on in this commercial and my mind clicked over and felt it in my mind, and my gut I could tell that there was and is something deeper going on in my life.  I talked briefly in my last post about my cupcake issue.  And how I found a solution to that with making my own.  I don’t want to be swayed by fancy packaging or advertising.  Fruits and veggies are bright and vibrant, and will be coming into season, center isles are full of crap.  The tables have turned marketing professionals you need to change your game!

The answer is to turn off the tv right?  Turn off the tv and go to bed, or for a walk, or 100 other things.  I can only fight for what I know is right for me or my own family, but seriously I understand they are looking for some humor, but this hit a sour and bitter note with me.

What do you think?