Eyes Ahead to Fitbloggin

So here we are, in the thick of winter in Minnesota. It’s cold and it’s been “dark” here for what seems like eternity.  It’s dark when I get up for work most mornings, and the sun in setting, or set when I leave work.  The “real feel” temp this week was -33 when I went to work this week.  Key in the ignition of the car and I closed my eyes and hoped as it cranked hard, and then eventually purred to life.

Realistically I know the daylight is lasting a bit longer everyday, as I can see the sun out of my office window a little higher each day.  As I mentioned in my last blog post, I am inching my way into the anniversary of the”jump” that changed my life.  You have to jump before you can soar, or fall flat on your face as the case was the first time.  Last year when I left my job it could not have come at a more critical time.  I truly was at the end of a truly frayed rope, that had been tied and retied so many times. I as a shell of a person.

I was so afraid that in leaving my job that I would not be able to make it to Fitbloggin in Savannah.  Fitbloggin is Family.  I needed my family.  I needed my family more than ever after quitting.  When I attended Fitbloggin in Portland, I knew I needed to follow my heart and get thing in order… I didn’t attend the whole conference in Portland.  I spent some time connecting with actual family… that got me to my center… any a year later in Savannah, I cried when I saw my fit-family… and I cried as they departed, I held back sobs in the cab on the way to the airport in Savannah.

Savannah Fitbloggin provided me with the reinforcement I needed to know that I was on the right path.  Coffee and quiet heartfelt conversations, laughter so hard that it gives you a headache and the spins.  Hugs from Mickey Mouse… I mean Cmon… where else do you get a sense of belonging and acceptance no matter what choice you are making because it is what is best for you.  Even now thinking about Fitbloggin I get misty eyed.

This summer brings the opportunity to travel to Denver for the “family reunion” this year.  I can’t wait to see everyone again.  I’ve never been to Denver, just as I had never been to Savannah or Portland.  One of the great things about Fitbloggin the last few years is that it has been moving around. This allows us to see different cities and experience different things.  More than that it allows people from different parts of the country to get to the conference, that couldn’t based on the previous location.

One of my fears again taking the job I have now is that I wouldn’t have vacation to get away for Fitbloggin in June… right now my eyes are on the PTO accrual prize to get my 24 hours accrued so I can put in my request so I can have Thursday, Friday and Monday off (because who want’s to go back to work on a Monday!) I will have the time in, despite having to serve Federal Jury Duty in March, so I will be there.

I can’t wait to get #AllTheHugs and have #AllTheFeelings.  I have been working on my goals that I set for myself during the #JustTrollin session hardcore for the last few weeks and I am actually seeing results.  Now that I am finally in a stable environment with my job where I feel secure I am getting “into the flow.”  I want results by the time I reappear at Fitbloggin even if I am the only one seeing the results of my work.  The changes I have made I don’t know that I would be as comfortable with without my friends. It’s time to thank everyone!

Are you coming to <a href”http://www.fitbloggin.com”>Fitbloggin</a&gt;? If you haven’t been before you don’t need to be afraid, people are VERY welcoming.  Plus you can always come find me! :D

Timehop is Tough

So I am sure most of you have heard of Timehop. It is an app that lets you look back at your social media history for the last few years and relive the past. It is a fun tool most of the time. It lets you relive fun things that may have slipped your mind. Little moments of joy, peeks into the biggest joys of your life, or successes, also lets you know if you are straying from your ultimate goals.
With most “time travel” things it does pose that risk, bringing you back to bad memories. I’ve relived deaths in the family, loss of friends, memories that are tender. Right now I am batting through what ended up being the last month of employment with the job that led my healthy lifestyle so far off the rails I cannot even begin to describe it. Aside from the weight gain I incurred with that job, despite trying things like changing gyms, and different food plans I was the worst on my mental health.
I am watching little flashes that I let be public on social media, that didn’t nearly display the horrible state that I was truly in. Yesterdays timehop showed me a post about Mark. Mark was the man who passed away as I started my job. A friend. A friend whose job I stepped into, I got the job because he was at death’s door with lung cancer. He drank, and did pills to numb both the pain of the cancer, but also the pain of the job. He told me not to become a lifer in the job. I still hear his words in my mind, I remember my last visit with him before he passed as I sat with him and his daughter sharing laughter and wisdom, kindness and fear.
I am so thankful that I am not where I was a year ago, but I am sad for that part of me, the part of me that allowed myself to be made a victim by my employer. Treated poorly, by being disrespected, not trusted to do my job when I did it better than anyone that had been in the position before me.
I look at timehop and see the epic meltdown backbuilding. I feel the anxiety in myself… I right now in present day feel it. I shouldn’t feel it… but I feel it with a bit of laughter, along with all the fear and stress. When I left that job I did have a backup plan. It wasn’t a fool-proof plan… and it was a plan that too would fail… The failures have led me however to a place where I feel that I am finally happy.
I should be able to let go of that pain at this point.
I feel almost as if I am dealing with some sort of abuse syndrome, because I can’t let go. Part of it is probably because my husband still works there.
My husband makes it a point not to involve me in the politics of the office, but does pass along to me that I am missed by my coworkers. I have in fact received countless texts and calls, even now approaching a year later I still receive texts and calls asking me to please come back and ask for my job back. As if I was fired and did not leave on my own accord. I often think, if they had paid me more would I have stayed… and the truth of the matter becomes, the way I had been treated, or perceived being treated could not have been outweighed by even a doubling in my salary.
Has my mental health recovered at this point? …I fear it has only partially recovered. I worry often about my employment status at my current job. I was finally brought on full-time in December, so I am no longer a temp with the company which means stability for myself. I work with a great team of people, and company with values and a mission that match my own. The fact that I have the ability to effect lives and help people, even if I can’t directly do it, means the world to me. It takes more than one person to do it, and a team can effect change. I do still worry about those I left behind at my former job, when I get texts complaining about *whatever it is* be it the working condition of a vehicle, the hours, the attitudes etc I simply say perhaps it is time to move on.
We all have to reach our tipping point on our own.
unfortunately I can see that I reached that tipping point, the boat flipped, and I climbed back on to try to save everyone… and that was just simply the wrong thing to do. You can’t save everyone Kris, especially when you yourself are so lost. My heart hurts for the old me… but is open for the opportunities in front of me.
I am on Day 12 of eating right and tracking my food. It is nowhere near the years of tracking I had as a streak before but every record starts with two in row and I need to start somewhere. So here I am… water, coffee, yogurt and my iPad finding a voice in the darkness as the clouds start to clear.

Beginning Day 6

So here I sit, at the car dealer waiting on an oil change. The smell of buttery FREE popcorn lingers in the air mixing with the fat and sugary smell of FREE puffy fluffy doughnuts from a local grocery store. Endless refills of coffee tea and water are at my disposal and I sit tap tap tapping away on my iPad.
Today marks Day Six of what I am in my head labeling my reboot, or reemergence into conrol. Yesterday my wonderful boss bought the whole team lunch, from Chipotle. Yea, Chipotle…. That means free guacamole, yoknow they charge extra for that right?! … Normally I would be beside myself excited for a chance to get my Salad/Bowl on and I wold jump at the chance to have Chipotle,but my lunch was already in the fridge. Just take it home and have it for dinner my coworkers told me. Dinner was already at home in the fridge.
I stood my ground and an ate my pepperjack burger, with sweet potato chili slices, and jicima and drank my water. I avoided eye contact with the guacamole. I won. Do I want Chipotle… yes… will I eat Chipotle again… yes… but did I decide that if I am going to splurge on something off my designated plan right now it should be with y husband.
Free food is EVERYWHERE, and it is a trap. It’s a trap I fall into fom time to time, and I know I have written about before. Whether it is the upsizing of America where for only $.50 more you can get twice as much orthe fact that there is food everywhere. My appointment here at the car dealership this morning I knew was going to be plagued with doughnuts, so I ate before I came, I have my water and coffee with me here at the table, and I have my snack in my bag.
These are habits I have followed all along, but I have fallen away from tracking and measuring. Tracking is SO crucial to success for me… but more than tracking is measuring, and that is where things get so tricky for me. I get so obsessive about things being precise with my measurements. I accelled in science and chemistry because I wanted those things to be SO PRECISE.
I hve been tracking my food intake for six days now, along with food I am working on just rounding measurements. Not grams and quarters of calories and points of grams of fat. I am for the most part trusting nutrition labels to be what they say they are. I am not scooping my Yoplait greek whips yogurt out of the cup to weigh it and make sure it is or isn’t actually the weight and calories it says that it is. (Yes, I am well aware that this is a sign of an eating disorder)
I am working on the very cliche progress not perfection motto right now to get myself back to feeling better. After only just the first, well five full days, I feel like I am already noticing a shift. I am sure that part of this is just the “motivation momentum” and the commitment part will still have to kick in. But I am really afraid that I am going to slide back to where I was back in 2009 if I don’t start to turn things around. I want to be the Kris from 2011 before I made the deision to take the “job from hell” that really led to my fall from grace.

And they lived happily ever after.

Thats where the blog ends folks. Or so I was deeply contemplating. I mean, after the termination of my job just before the wedding my footing was shaken. Deeply shaken. I wondered, no I vocalized to my now husband that I had made a mistake in leaving my old job, you know that job the one that sent my healthy lifestyle backward.
I was jumping, spreading my wings trying to follow through on the goal that I had set for myself with my 2014 word of the year. Do you remember that word? Honor… It’s been ringing through my mind the last week or so since it is time to either set a goal, make a resolution or pick a new word for the year.
Looking back at 2014 did I do enough to deem my year a “success” and who would be the final judge of that. I left the job where I was not being challenged in a way that was positive. The job I was in on January 1, 2014 was one that was not a positive one for me in many ways. It was slowly killing me, mentally, physically, emotionally. I jumped, and didn’t land in a place that was the right fit unfortunately. Did that mean that I wasn’t honoring myself or was I still honoring myself because I continued to fight to find something new, instead of jut going back to what I knew? Was I tempted to return to my old ways? Yes, mildly and for the wrong reasons.
I pushed forward in 2014, searching for a job where I would be part of something bigger, where there would be value placed on my suggestions. I found a job with a company where I am happy, and I feel that I will be able to make a career for myself. A company with values that match mine and a mission and vision that I can support.
In 2014 I of course got married, Robb and I fortified our now 10 years together surrounded by friends and family. We weren’t very traditional about it. We brought together our families, because it was important to them to be there, and our chosen family because it was important for us to have them here. Laughter was what I wanted most from our day, and bacon… both of which were plentiful that September morning.

So why the though of leaving the blog behind? I have kind of lost my voice during the last year. I have been so focused on trying to honor myself, I have felt that I didn’t need to share as much. That said, January 3, 2015 would have been the 3rd anniversary of my taking the job that I think was the biggest backward step in my healthy journey. I need to go back to square one as I can feel my health, what is left of it slipping away from me.

In November I got another medical diagnosis, PCOS. Not surprised, it was always lurking in the background, likely made worse by the rapid weight loss that happened before. So I need to start meal planning, exercise, water all of it. It all needs to start again and if I become obsessive I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

So in the trend of New Years Posts… and being undecided about how much I will blog 2015’s word of the year is not a word, but a phrase. Make choices based in intention not from habit.

Happy 2015 friends!

When You are Feeling Sweet and Sassy!

Recently the Blue Diamond Tastemakers program sent me two new flavors of almonds to try. Honey Roasted Vanilla and Honey Roasted Chipotle.
Blue Diamond Honey Roasted Vanilla Honey Roasted Chipotle Almonds

I had some grand plans of what I was going to do with these almonds. I wanted to crush up the Honey Chipotle almonds and use them as a coating for some chicken breasts, using a tiny amount of bbq sauce as a coating to adhere the crushed nuts to the chicken…
I wanted to incorporate the Honey Roasted Vanilla Almonds into my morning yogurt with fruit… and well… as you have seen on the blog… I had lost my job recently… and well… The almonds were consumed… as snacks not made into the fun ideas that swirled around in my mind.
Blue Diamond Honey Roasted Vanilla Honey Roasted Chipotle Almonds in portion controlled package with coffee to go as a snack
The day I went out on my bike ride, subsequently the day I got the “Can you come in tomorrow?” call, I was fueling my day with these Blue Diamond Almonds. Maybe these are good luck?

I enjoyed both flavors, but the chipotle was more to my liking, they vanilla was almost cloyingly sweet to me, but mixed well with the chipotle when I bagged them together. One of the things that I want to point out about these almonds though, that was actually the first thing I noticed when I received them was that Blue Diamond Almonds is supporting Honeybee Research! While I have a mega-fear of bees, wasps, hornets and all stinging insects due to my anaphylaxis, I do know how important bees are to our future. I love my produce, and flowers, and planet. I am SO THANKFUL when a company is taking steps to help causes that are important to me. So THANK YOU Blue Diamond for helping save he bees, BeeCause you care!

Disclaimer: Blue Diamond has provided me with this product, any thoughts and feeling on it are my own. They have not provided a monetary compensation for this.

Things Have Been Quiet…

Things have been quiet here on the blog… because life is BUSY!!! I started a new job the day after my last post. A temp to hire position with a company headquartered here in MN. Temp to hire… after my last job debacle I am a little gun-shy to take jobs that are “temp” however, you have to make mistakes to learn from them. Not that the job was a mistake, it has lead me down a new path. I learned things there that I would have likely never learned elsewhere… and I am now more secure in my idea’s about other things.

All things with space and time. My mom came to visit this week… well kind of. She had a seminar here in Bloomington, which marks the first time she has been to MN since I moved here nine years ago. I indulged in too much eating out… I am bloated and have gained weight. I missed weigh-in yesterday to take her to the airport. I have also picked up her cold. Thank mom. I am thankful however that I got to give her the satisfaction that I am indeed in an okay place and doing well here. She kept remarking on how different I am… I am just me.

Wedding planning has now gone into crunch mode… my dress is here and it doesn’t fit. It’s too big. I NEED to make the time to go get that fixed. Like ASAP! The caterer emailed me to get updated info on guest counts… and I am just guessing at numbers at this point. People haven’t RSVPed, and at this point… I don’t care. I am trying to put together the family dinner the night before the wedding, and I still need to order a few things for the wedding… So many things I feel like a pull-apart stress doll.

Changing jobs this close to the wedding was NOT a help. However in the real world this shit happens and we just have to roll with it. Luckily for us we were going low key with the wedding and in the end all we want is for people to show up and have fun… nothing fancy so… as long as we end up married it will all be okay. but forgive me if the blog ends up sitting quiet while I try and not lose my shit for the next month!